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why do some men not initiate

It's really frustrating. I been with my husband for four years and I can literally count on one hand how many times he's initiated. I can't help but feel a little unhappy. I have never experienced this with anyone. How do I deal with this because I am getting really fed up with my marriage.
CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M
There could be so many reasons, and most are to do with him rather than you, so try not to take it is an attack on your attractiveness and talk it through with him. It's such a sensitive topic but one that really is worth talking through because otherwise that resentment will build up and you'll both feel rejected.
CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M
@DidIHurtYourFeelings: I get that his actions are making you feel a certain way, and that's something you're perfectly entitled to, but when you talk about it...make it about him.

Starting a conversation by telling him how he's hurting you is akin to saying he's doing something wrong. If you want him to open up he needs to be comfortable doing that, he needs to feel like you're listening to how [i]he's[/i] feeling, and that you're interested in what it is that's going on in [i]his[/i] head that is causing his ennui.

Reading this back it almost comes across like I'm saying [b]*slap*[/b] "Hush woman! Your feelings don't matter, men are more important!" but I promise you my advice would be exactly the same if the gender roles were reversed.
@ChasingBrainBros: I promise you I have tried everything to come off as loving and concerned. I almost feel like he has some shame about sex. I know when we first started dating he would NEVER want sex and I ended up finding porn and I flipped it. Because how can he not want to come to me but then I found out he was looking at porn. I kicked him out and said it was a no go. Now the porn has been out and he has now never rejected sex, but I am still the one asking. I don't feel like I'm ugly or not good enough and what he was looking at well those prostitutes have nothing on me. So I am very confused cause I think something must be wrong
CheshireCatalyst · 36-40, M
@DidIHurtYourFeelings: I hope for both your sakes that you work it all out. Best wishes.
BellaLocura · 51-55, F
I've been with my husband 16 years, same situation. If anything is going to happen, I am the initiator nine times out of ten. Just the way it is...he does have a drive, although not nearly as high as mine. So basically, I have no advice for you.
That's how it is for me. He will say yes, but only if I go to him. He won't spontaneously kiss me or touch me. It's annoying and hurtful and he's younger then me
BellaLocura · 51-55, F
Has this been his personality since the beginning of your relationship?@DidIHurtYourFeelings:
@BellaLocura: yes. He wasn't very sexual or had any real relationship before me. He was also a alcoholic before we met and never even had sober sex which I found odd. But I refused to sleep with him drunk and changed him.
AlmightyLoad · 26-30
could be a confidence issue
BellaLocura · 51-55, F
@DidIHurtYourFeelings: I would say that confidence is a large issue for my husband even after 16 years. Some people just have a tough time building it up and feeling secure with themselves.
AlmightyLoad · 26-30
Yeah someone people just are like that naturally not much you can do about that tho
@BellaLocura: :( well I wish it would change. I mean I can't even get him to try anything I was very adventurous before him and now I'm kind of screwed because he won't even get off his back. I feel like a man lol
Hush92 · 26-30, F
Have you had a serious conversation about it with him? I never initiated in my last relationship because I had huge anxiety and guilt around sex things stemming from bad experiences. Not saying your guy has the same but you never know until you ask.
Hush92 · 26-30, F
What did he say about it? @DidIHurtYourFeelings:
@Hush92: he doesn't say much. I think he might be embarrassed or just flat out lazy
Hush92 · 26-30, F
Hmmm yeah you need to get him to open up about it. Maybe try couples counseling! That can be good for figuring out these things. @DidIHurtYourFeelings:
DaveLiam78 · 31-35, M
(Idk if you are but if you are then:) Stop watching porn, or comparing him to some hollywood conception you have of him, or how other men may treat you on here. It will help a lot. Secondly, talk to him and tell him that you want him to try xyz.
I'm anti porn and would never compare him to another man. He had a porn problem and drinking problem. He screwed himself
DaveLiam78 · 31-35, M
@DidIHurtYourFeelings: Yeah he needs to cut that out and alcohol too
It's a very good possibility he has low testosterone levels. They may be low naturally or from masturbating. There are tests that can be done and therapies to remedy this. Has he had a vasectomy?
I don't think he's doing himself cause he does always say yes to sex. And we're never apart. But I am thinking maybe low t
What does to initiate mean
Serenitree · F
To be the one to initiate sex. To start. She has to go to him for it. He doesn't come to her.

Dec. 11/16
4:05 am
That's nice

 
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