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Every night before I go to bed, I lay there reflecting on everything

& Every night for quite a while, I never like any of it.

I'm not where I want to be in life & I've been mostly ignoring all my friends in real life. Everybody always sees me as happy, funny, always able to bring the light out of people.

But people don't know that's not how I really feel inside. I'm very upset with myself & my whole life.
I'm literally crying while I write this & people don't see this side of me. I even do a pretty good job ignoring it until I'm alone with my thoughts.

I isolate myself because one of my biggest fears is somebody asking me how I've been. I don't like my answers. So I hide from the people in my life because I don't want them to ask about me.

I just admitted this to my friend & I told her that even though I'm afraid to talk.. I'm also afraid that if I keep ignoring her then I would lose her. She told me I could never lose her. She said that I'm a rare friend because I'm constantly there for the people I care about even though nobody knows how shitty I feel about myself.

I'll be there for anybody but I don't let anybody be here for me.

So I wrote this to reflect out loud this time. I know I know, just another "sad shit in the nighttime" post. So cringe 🤦
But seriously. I just wanted to say out loud that I am not happy. I'm just trying to figure shit out.

Top | Newest First | Oldest First

Mamapolo2016 · F

When you consider it thoughtfully, keeping the support system one-sided is both selfish and short-sighted.

If you're the fix-it guy who never allows others to help him, they don't get to have those good feelings from returning the love.

It's like painting a window black.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Mamapolo2016 I've never really thought about that. Thanks for the insight. I'm glad I read that before I fall asleep rn

Starcrossed · 41-45, F

🤗
Chief, at 22 I lost just about everything in a weeks time, family, home, job - only had an abusive bf as my stability. I was still 'frozen' in my trauma at 25, just living life numb going through the motions no where NEAR where I wanted to be in life. Some of us take a lot longer to grow into ourselves.

Bud, you'll figure this out. I promise. Even if you've got more deconstruction and demolition of the parts of you you're ready to grow out of. And there's a handful of people here that would be GLAD to be your sounding board and cheerleader and you grow and change and figure it out.

You're such a good dude and I know you're so hard on yourself for whom you've been and what you came from... but you can take all that 'what you don't like' and use it to learn from to not be that to no longer be like that to shape what you do want.

And as you do that, you life naturally fills with the people and friends that will continue to help you grow, that make you smile and feel joy and strive to be the best version of you.

It sucks and is so hard shedding old parts of ourselves. Sometimes it even hurts. But we're here for you 🤗🤗🤗🤗 k?

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Starcrossed I'm sorry you had to go through that but I'm happy that you made it out. I know how it feels. I've lost everything over in over my entire life & that might be part of why I often feel like I don't deserve good things... like support. & My past doesn't help that either. I've done a lot of bad things & it sucks because I know I'm not that person deep down. Last year my best friend had a heart to heart with me & he even told me that he hates the fact that I'm a gang member. He's been my friend since 1st grade & he told me "dude.. I hate it because I don't think that's you. When I first met you when we were kids I looked up to you because you knew who you were. You were always the only person who knew who you were. & This life isn't who you are".

That hit me hard & at the end he told me "okay, now I've told you everything I needed to tell you. Do you have anything else you want to say?" & I was completely silent. I just looked at him & shook my head no. We didn't talk for a year after that. Not because either of us were mad at each other... But because I had nothing to say. I didn't want to tell him I will change, I didn't want to make excuses, all I wanted to do was turn around & do my best to change. & Hope that my actions would speak for me since words don't mean shit in a situation like that.

Sorry that was little random but I thought of it because that was my biggest inspiration to stop living my life so recklessly & be a fucking adult for once. I just haven't gotten there fully so it can be tough sometimes

Starcrossed · 41-45, F

@ChiefJustWalks "...& be a fucking adult for once. I just haven't gotten there fully so it can be tough sometimes"
babe I'm so much older than you and I have this kid I'm supposed to be responsible for yet I feel this same thought all. the. time.
...its probably our trauma talking though.

I certain dont think you need to apologize for blurting a random story. ...you've met me...right? I'm sure recanting that was cathartic. And I love stories. Thank you for being so vulnerable and open. 🤗

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Starcrossed that's actually interesting to hear. I heard a saying once that parents are just kids learning to raise kids. I thought that was interesting. Because nobody knows how to be a parent really. You just do it as you go.
But thanks for showing up here & saying something 🤗 I always appreciate seeing you around

Reject · 26-30, M

There’s a saying that says “You cannot pour from an empty cup”. Basically you can do a whole lot to be there for people. Clearly you’ve done that, but you cannot truly be there for them in every way they’d need until your cup is full.

This is because no matter how much you’ve helped them, you will still need to do selfish things like isolate occasionally because you’re not cared for as you need to be. You’re still hurting which will hurt them too. You will see all your relationships suffering in some way as long as your cup remains empty.

So how do you fill it? The hardest lesson anyone will ever learn in life is self love. It’s simply any happiness you create for yourself, as yourself, by yourself. This is the only way that cup can fill. No one else can fill it for you. Everyone’s journey to self love is different, but for all of us it involves finding ways to fulfill your emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental needs.

Emotional needs are your hearts desires. Anything you want for yourself. Spiritual needs are your purpose. Anything you want for others. Physical needs are your body. Maintaining health through diet and exercise. Finally your mental needs are knowledge and learning. Reading or trying new things.

You must accomplish growth in these alone. People can help, but you cannot depend on them. Otherwise you’ll never learn how to make your own liquid to pour and you’ll always find your life a sad one that’s lacking.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Reject I read your comment before I fell asleep but my eyes were heavy & I was out of energy to respond lol. I think the exact same way as what you mentioned & it's funny how the last part you mentioned is the only part I never really thought of myself. The emotional, spiritual, physical, & mental stuff, I mean. That's very insightful. It's funny when I first saw you active here I thought you might be on the sad side because of your name & your pfp, but I always find your comments to be so positive & thoughtful. You always have something authentic to contribute. Thanks for being here man 🙏

Reject · 26-30, M

@ChiefJustWalks I was just waking up when I commented! Happy you got your rest and found something to think about in my comment. Your feeling was right. Most of my life is on the sad side. That’s why I’ve spent decades coming up with solutions to get out of that. I’m not like I used to be, that’s for sure. Still, I keep my profile picture and name because they still apply. I just find happiness and positivity despite that. Most of what I say is what I’ve figured out works in overcoming my problems. Thanks for reaching out when I randomly came back! There’s not enough real friends in a place like this one. So your presence here is welcome.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Reject I get that entirely. I've been down pretty much my whole life but I do a great job at not showing that. Sometimes when I tell anybody about my life they say things like they don't know how I stay so positive. It's really about just spreading positivity because I don't want to spread negative energy. I do my best to block that out of my life because I feel enough of that directed at myself & there's no need for it. I have no room for it with all the space my own takes up. I think that's probably the best way I could explain it really.
I like your attitude. Idk why I had a feeling you were a cool dude but you're cooler than I thought tbh 🤙

Dainbramadge · 56-60, M

White wolf black wolf.
The black wolf is all the negative. In this case self-doubt.
Also, like this appears to be the case of, depression type situations can be a great time for reassessing your goals.
It's a good way to decide which directions you don't want to go in. Things that most people overlook can be very clear at times like this.
Have you ever heard the adage the journey of a thousand Miles begins with a single step? Life is just a series of journeys. Daily journeys, weekly journeys and so on. Life in and of itself is just the journey big picture.
Life, up until now, has been a journey. A journey to get where you are at this very moment. You have learned a lot along the way and will learn so much more as you travel.
And for my grand finale, one more cliche.
Rome wasn't built in a day.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Dainbramadge haha I found your comment both inspiring & also a little bit funny because of the grand finale at the end 😅 I like how you type like you'd talk in real life. But I agree with you man. I tend to say that the pursuit of happiness is the saddest journey because there's really no magical way to find happiness & keep that forever. It's all just a journey. Sometimes we're sad, sometimes we're happy, sometimes we're mad & we need to let ourselves feel all of that. Allowing yourself to feel things is healthy but it's when you push it away or run from it that it takes over without us realizing

PepsiColaP

Less time here and tending to others emotional wants,more time looking after urself and focusing on ur life

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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@PepsiColaP Also true 🤔 wow, thank you. Maybe I should start working out lol I want to but I haven't started yet

PepsiColaP

@ChiefJustWalks gl ! If u can join a gym that's even better ,gets u out there and it's more fun imo

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@PepsiColaP my brother has a gym membership & he's been trying to get me to join him lol. I think I will

RebelFox · 36-40, F

Thank you for sharing and cheers to letting it out. We gotta be here for each other in the dark times, nothing scary about that. It’s part of the journey and motivation to change what doesn’t align with our hearts. You won’t lose good people by having a rough time, and it is okay to express yourself with or without fear. I don’t talk to many people on here, but I’d talk to you. You don’t see how deeply beautiful you are and that’s why you struggle. And how okay that is because it’s gonna make you even more amazing when you face believing in yourself. You’re right where you need to be for now. I just see an awesome person coming into their own light, passing through the darkness 🖤

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RebelFox · 36-40, F

@ChiefJustWalks Aw yeah SilverFox420 😆 Still toking it up hun 😆

But seriously, I’d love to remind you how awesome you are and how brave to say and feel what you do. I was crying one time about being treated like shit as a single mama and you spoke up. It was really profound and kind, and seriously I thought it over and haven’t had an issue coping with it since. You rock dude. I’m saying there’s plenty of time to polish yourself, but you’re already solid gold to the core.

I’m here if you ever need someone to listen.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@RebelFox oh that's what it was 😅 I knew "420fox" looked off to me but I remembered the 420 for sure 🤙 keeping the "fox" in your name helped me instantly remember you when I came back to SW. I feel touched that I was able to help you in that way 🥺 it's crazy how we can affect people without even realizing it. I remember a coworker once told me that after talking to me, he decided not to take his own life because he was planning on doing that. I was shocked I even had that affect. All I did was talk. Ever since then I've done my best to do just that. Talk.

Stuff like that is why I try to be here for people. I've made many mistakes in my life & I can't fix my past or anyone else's.. all we can do is speak. We may not be able to change the world but we can change how we view it. & That changes our own world little by little.

With that said, I'm always here for you too. Thank you for being here as well. The next toke I take is for you 🙌

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@ChiefJustWalks Cheers to that 💨 And cheers to all that 🖤 you’ve got. You are a wise spirit, I’m glad you’re out there 👽

SW-User

It is good that you wrote it all out. Always great to have that mental release.
Now, find something to do, but with goals.
Milestones have to be set, toward the goal. And every time you reach a milestone, pat yourself on the back, but push on to achieve the next milestone and eventually the goal.

For example, maybe take up self study on a particular interest of yours. Or a simple thing like joining a gym.
Set a goal, and milestones toward it.
The satisfaction from it will propel your mind to a new level of self happiness.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SW-User thanks JD. I like the gym idea. I think that's the one I wanna do. I'm so out of shape rn though it's gonna be tough at first 😅

SW-User

@ChiefJustWalks Oh yeah, those burning aches and pains. You can do this, you got this

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SW-User yeah ima probably be sore for a week after my first workout 🤣

SledgeHammer · 46-50, M

This is really hard for me to understand because , for me , the way I see it,,,

You cant help anyone if you cant help yourself..

I'm jus sayin'

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SledgeHammer ironically I've said that same thing before on many occasions. I'm not always great at taking my own advice lol

ArminArlert · 22-25, M

I'm sorry to hear this. But I do think saying it (even typing it) out loud is a good start to figuring things out. 😊

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@ArminArlert I think it's a good start too. I've been in this phase lately where I'm trying to change my life & focus more on myself & I suppose part of that should include being vulnerable sometimes

JustNik · 51-55, F

Not cringe in the least. We have to face our yucky stuff before we can hope to know how to change it. You’re headed in the right direction! 🤗

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@JustNik sorry I just hate sounding emotional 😅 it's tough lol. But thank you 🤗

Imsleepy · 31-35

I feel this. If you ever do decide you need someone to be there for you, I’m here.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Imsleepy thank you. & I like your pfp 😌 she's really cool but my favorite on the show is Shinobu 🙏

Imsleepy · 31-35

Shinobu is awesome. @ChiefJustWalks

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ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@nightjourney well you can always PM if you ever have the energy 🙏 I think you're the first person I talked to regularly when I got here on SW months ago so I consider you a good friend

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Nutshell29 · 26-30, F

We are all in the same place you are don't force yourself to be happy. Trust me I do it too I may look happy but I'm literally craving hugs and someone to tell me it's going to be okay. Like I cry every night before I sleep I'm literally so tired and drained from everything and everyone. No one checks on me either I'm literally having to pick myself up and be there for myself

SW-User

Here for you as well.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SW-User thank you man. I feel embarrassed even posting this I might take it down lol

basilfawlty89 · 31-35, M

I've been there regarding isolating myself.
I used to do that often and it was to my detriment. Don't isolate. Talk to people you care about. Instead seeing yourself as yourself, see yourself as another person and then ask "would I give love and support to this person?". Answer is likely yes. Self care is important, dude.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@basilfawlty89 That's actually pretty solid advice. I often put myself in others shoes but not to examine myself.. usually just to understand people better.
You don't gotta listen to this but the "self care" part made me start playing it rn. The way he carves "memento mori" into his coffin before he punches through it is what inspired my first tattoo. Which was "memento mori" on my arm

[media=https://youtu.be/SsKT0s5J8ko]

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

You need to let people support you. You deserve that. I think at times you feel like you don’t deserve the support.

I appreciate you being so real and raw with this post. I am sorry you aren’t where you want to be but you are young and have time to get to that place.

It took a lot for you to admit this, I am sure of that. Thank you for being real. You need to lean on someone, there’s no shame in that at all. You deserve the things you want 💗.

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iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@ChiefJustWalks You deserve to be supported like anyone else here. You are a good person. I just want to get it into your head that you deserve good things 💗.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@iamonfire696 thank you 🖤 I think it's working peice by peice

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@ChiefJustWalks I am so happy to hear that 💗

SW-User

What do you think the roots of your feelings are?

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SW-User

@ChiefJustWalks I'm guessing that doesn't really have a rational basis though, or does it? If not it might help to identify where those feelings first came from 🤗

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SW-User I think most of it comes from my childhood & the way I grew up. I was abused as a kid & witnessed things I never should have. So I grew up very fast & was doing adult things at a very young age. It's ironic because I grew up fast, but never felt like I grew at all. I've felt stuck my whole life. & I think that's where most of it comes from.

SW-User

@ChiefJustWalks I completely get that, having also experienced an abusive childhood

I think if you recognise these feelings and acknowledge them as being irrational and a legacy from that abuse, you can have compassion for your past and present selves, but separate these feelings from your current self. They can be contained.

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