Every night before I go to bed, I lay there reflecting on everything

& Every night for quite a while, I never like any of it.

I'm not where I want to be in life & I've been mostly ignoring all my friends in real life. Everybody always sees me as happy, funny, always able to bring the light out of people.

But people don't know that's not how I really feel inside. I'm very upset with myself & my whole life.
I'm literally crying while I write this & people don't see this side of me. I even do a pretty good job ignoring it until I'm alone with my thoughts.

I isolate myself because one of my biggest fears is somebody asking me how I've been. I don't like my answers. So I hide from the people in my life because I don't want them to ask about me.

I just admitted this to my friend & I told her that even though I'm afraid to talk.. I'm also afraid that if I keep ignoring her then I would lose her. She told me I could never lose her. She said that I'm a rare friend because I'm constantly there for the people I care about even though nobody knows how shitty I feel about myself.

I'll be there for anybody but I don't let anybody be here for me.

So I wrote this to reflect out loud this time. I know I know, just another "sad shit in the nighttime" post. So cringe 🤦
But seriously. I just wanted to say out loud that I am not happy. I'm just trying to figure shit out.

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Dainbramadge · 56-60, M

White wolf black wolf.
The black wolf is all the negative. In this case self-doubt.
Also, like this appears to be the case of, depression type situations can be a great time for reassessing your goals.
It's a good way to decide which directions you don't want to go in. Things that most people overlook can be very clear at times like this.
Have you ever heard the adage the journey of a thousand Miles begins with a single step? Life is just a series of journeys. Daily journeys, weekly journeys and so on. Life in and of itself is just the journey big picture.
Life, up until now, has been a journey. A journey to get where you are at this very moment. You have learned a lot along the way and will learn so much more as you travel.
And for my grand finale, one more cliche.
Rome wasn't built in a day.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Dainbramadge haha I found your comment both inspiring & also a little bit funny because of the grand finale at the end 😅 I like how you type like you'd talk in real life. But I agree with you man. I tend to say that the pursuit of happiness is the saddest journey because there's really no magical way to find happiness & keep that forever. It's all just a journey. Sometimes we're sad, sometimes we're happy, sometimes we're mad & we need to let ourselves feel all of that. Allowing yourself to feel things is healthy but it's when you push it away or run from it that it takes over without us realizing