Every night before I go to bed, I lay there reflecting on everything

& Every night for quite a while, I never like any of it.

I'm not where I want to be in life & I've been mostly ignoring all my friends in real life. Everybody always sees me as happy, funny, always able to bring the light out of people.

But people don't know that's not how I really feel inside. I'm very upset with myself & my whole life.
I'm literally crying while I write this & people don't see this side of me. I even do a pretty good job ignoring it until I'm alone with my thoughts.

I isolate myself because one of my biggest fears is somebody asking me how I've been. I don't like my answers. So I hide from the people in my life because I don't want them to ask about me.

I just admitted this to my friend & I told her that even though I'm afraid to talk.. I'm also afraid that if I keep ignoring her then I would lose her. She told me I could never lose her. She said that I'm a rare friend because I'm constantly there for the people I care about even though nobody knows how shitty I feel about myself.

I'll be there for anybody but I don't let anybody be here for me.

So I wrote this to reflect out loud this time. I know I know, just another "sad shit in the nighttime" post. So cringe 🤦
But seriously. I just wanted to say out loud that I am not happy. I'm just trying to figure shit out.

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SW-User

What do you think the roots of your feelings are?

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SW-User probably a lot of things. But for the most part I think I'm just disappointed in myself

SW-User

@ChiefJustWalks I'm guessing that doesn't really have a rational basis though, or does it? If not it might help to identify where those feelings first came from 🤗

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@SW-User I think most of it comes from my childhood & the way I grew up. I was abused as a kid & witnessed things I never should have. So I grew up very fast & was doing adult things at a very young age. It's ironic because I grew up fast, but never felt like I grew at all. I've felt stuck my whole life. & I think that's where most of it comes from.

SW-User

@ChiefJustWalks I completely get that, having also experienced an abusive childhood

I think if you recognise these feelings and acknowledge them as being irrational and a legacy from that abuse, you can have compassion for your past and present selves, but separate these feelings from your current self. They can be contained.