Every night before I go to bed, I lay there reflecting on everything

& Every night for quite a while, I never like any of it.

I'm not where I want to be in life & I've been mostly ignoring all my friends in real life. Everybody always sees me as happy, funny, always able to bring the light out of people.

But people don't know that's not how I really feel inside. I'm very upset with myself & my whole life.
I'm literally crying while I write this & people don't see this side of me. I even do a pretty good job ignoring it until I'm alone with my thoughts.

I isolate myself because one of my biggest fears is somebody asking me how I've been. I don't like my answers. So I hide from the people in my life because I don't want them to ask about me.

I just admitted this to my friend & I told her that even though I'm afraid to talk.. I'm also afraid that if I keep ignoring her then I would lose her. She told me I could never lose her. She said that I'm a rare friend because I'm constantly there for the people I care about even though nobody knows how shitty I feel about myself.

I'll be there for anybody but I don't let anybody be here for me.

So I wrote this to reflect out loud this time. I know I know, just another "sad shit in the nighttime" post. So cringe 🤦
But seriously. I just wanted to say out loud that I am not happy. I'm just trying to figure shit out.

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Starcrossed · 41-45, F

🤗
Chief, at 22 I lost just about everything in a weeks time, family, home, job - only had an abusive bf as my stability. I was still 'frozen' in my trauma at 25, just living life numb going through the motions no where NEAR where I wanted to be in life. Some of us take a lot longer to grow into ourselves.

Bud, you'll figure this out. I promise. Even if you've got more deconstruction and demolition of the parts of you you're ready to grow out of. And there's a handful of people here that would be GLAD to be your sounding board and cheerleader and you grow and change and figure it out.

You're such a good dude and I know you're so hard on yourself for whom you've been and what you came from... but you can take all that 'what you don't like' and use it to learn from to not be that to no longer be like that to shape what you do want.

And as you do that, you life naturally fills with the people and friends that will continue to help you grow, that make you smile and feel joy and strive to be the best version of you.

It sucks and is so hard shedding old parts of ourselves. Sometimes it even hurts. But we're here for you 🤗🤗🤗🤗 k?

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Starcrossed I'm sorry you had to go through that but I'm happy that you made it out. I know how it feels. I've lost everything over in over my entire life & that might be part of why I often feel like I don't deserve good things... like support. & My past doesn't help that either. I've done a lot of bad things & it sucks because I know I'm not that person deep down. Last year my best friend had a heart to heart with me & he even told me that he hates the fact that I'm a gang member. He's been my friend since 1st grade & he told me "dude.. I hate it because I don't think that's you. When I first met you when we were kids I looked up to you because you knew who you were. You were always the only person who knew who you were. & This life isn't who you are".

That hit me hard & at the end he told me "okay, now I've told you everything I needed to tell you. Do you have anything else you want to say?" & I was completely silent. I just looked at him & shook my head no. We didn't talk for a year after that. Not because either of us were mad at each other... But because I had nothing to say. I didn't want to tell him I will change, I didn't want to make excuses, all I wanted to do was turn around & do my best to change. & Hope that my actions would speak for me since words don't mean shit in a situation like that.

Sorry that was little random but I thought of it because that was my biggest inspiration to stop living my life so recklessly & be a fucking adult for once. I just haven't gotten there fully so it can be tough sometimes

Starcrossed · 41-45, F

@ChiefJustWalks "...& be a fucking adult for once. I just haven't gotten there fully so it can be tough sometimes"
babe I'm so much older than you and I have this kid I'm supposed to be responsible for yet I feel this same thought all. the. time.
...its probably our trauma talking though.

I certain dont think you need to apologize for blurting a random story. ...you've met me...right? I'm sure recanting that was cathartic. And I love stories. Thank you for being so vulnerable and open. 🤗

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Starcrossed that's actually interesting to hear. I heard a saying once that parents are just kids learning to raise kids. I thought that was interesting. Because nobody knows how to be a parent really. You just do it as you go.
But thanks for showing up here & saying something 🤗 I always appreciate seeing you around