Every night before I go to bed, I lay there reflecting on everything

& Every night for quite a while, I never like any of it.

I'm not where I want to be in life & I've been mostly ignoring all my friends in real life. Everybody always sees me as happy, funny, always able to bring the light out of people.

But people don't know that's not how I really feel inside. I'm very upset with myself & my whole life.
I'm literally crying while I write this & people don't see this side of me. I even do a pretty good job ignoring it until I'm alone with my thoughts.

I isolate myself because one of my biggest fears is somebody asking me how I've been. I don't like my answers. So I hide from the people in my life because I don't want them to ask about me.

I just admitted this to my friend & I told her that even though I'm afraid to talk.. I'm also afraid that if I keep ignoring her then I would lose her. She told me I could never lose her. She said that I'm a rare friend because I'm constantly there for the people I care about even though nobody knows how shitty I feel about myself.

I'll be there for anybody but I don't let anybody be here for me.

So I wrote this to reflect out loud this time. I know I know, just another "sad shit in the nighttime" post. So cringe 🤦
But seriously. I just wanted to say out loud that I am not happy. I'm just trying to figure shit out.

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RebelFox · 36-40, F

Thank you for sharing and cheers to letting it out. We gotta be here for each other in the dark times, nothing scary about that. It’s part of the journey and motivation to change what doesn’t align with our hearts. You won’t lose good people by having a rough time, and it is okay to express yourself with or without fear. I don’t talk to many people on here, but I’d talk to you. You don’t see how deeply beautiful you are and that’s why you struggle. And how okay that is because it’s gonna make you even more amazing when you face believing in yourself. You’re right where you need to be for now. I just see an awesome person coming into their own light, passing through the darkness 🖤

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@RebelFox that almost made me cry again 🥺 how sweet of you to say. I've always liked seeing you on here & I do notice that you keep to yourself a bit so I very much appreciate you saying any of this. You're an amazing person.
Also, your old username was 420fox or something like that right? (Sorry if I got that wrong) but I remember you from my old days here & I always thought you were cool.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@ChiefJustWalks Aw yeah SilverFox420 😆 Still toking it up hun 😆

But seriously, I’d love to remind you how awesome you are and how brave to say and feel what you do. I was crying one time about being treated like shit as a single mama and you spoke up. It was really profound and kind, and seriously I thought it over and haven’t had an issue coping with it since. You rock dude. I’m saying there’s plenty of time to polish yourself, but you’re already solid gold to the core.

I’m here if you ever need someone to listen.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@RebelFox oh that's what it was 😅 I knew "420fox" looked off to me but I remembered the 420 for sure 🤙 keeping the "fox" in your name helped me instantly remember you when I came back to SW. I feel touched that I was able to help you in that way 🥺 it's crazy how we can affect people without even realizing it. I remember a coworker once told me that after talking to me, he decided not to take his own life because he was planning on doing that. I was shocked I even had that affect. All I did was talk. Ever since then I've done my best to do just that. Talk.

Stuff like that is why I try to be here for people. I've made many mistakes in my life & I can't fix my past or anyone else's.. all we can do is speak. We may not be able to change the world but we can change how we view it. & That changes our own world little by little.

With that said, I'm always here for you too. Thank you for being here as well. The next toke I take is for you 🙌

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@ChiefJustWalks Cheers to that 💨 And cheers to all that 🖤 you’ve got. You are a wise spirit, I’m glad you’re out there 👽