Every night before I go to bed, I lay there reflecting on everything

& Every night for quite a while, I never like any of it.

I'm not where I want to be in life & I've been mostly ignoring all my friends in real life. Everybody always sees me as happy, funny, always able to bring the light out of people.

But people don't know that's not how I really feel inside. I'm very upset with myself & my whole life.
I'm literally crying while I write this & people don't see this side of me. I even do a pretty good job ignoring it until I'm alone with my thoughts.

I isolate myself because one of my biggest fears is somebody asking me how I've been. I don't like my answers. So I hide from the people in my life because I don't want them to ask about me.

I just admitted this to my friend & I told her that even though I'm afraid to talk.. I'm also afraid that if I keep ignoring her then I would lose her. She told me I could never lose her. She said that I'm a rare friend because I'm constantly there for the people I care about even though nobody knows how shitty I feel about myself.

I'll be there for anybody but I don't let anybody be here for me.

So I wrote this to reflect out loud this time. I know I know, just another "sad shit in the nighttime" post. So cringe 🤦
But seriously. I just wanted to say out loud that I am not happy. I'm just trying to figure shit out.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

Reject · 31-35, M

There’s a saying that says “You cannot pour from an empty cup”. Basically you can do a whole lot to be there for people. Clearly you’ve done that, but you cannot truly be there for them in every way they’d need until your cup is full.

This is because no matter how much you’ve helped them, you will still need to do selfish things like isolate occasionally because you’re not cared for as you need to be. You’re still hurting which will hurt them too. You will see all your relationships suffering in some way as long as your cup remains empty.

So how do you fill it? The hardest lesson anyone will ever learn in life is self love. It’s simply any happiness you create for yourself, as yourself, by yourself. This is the only way that cup can fill. No one else can fill it for you. Everyone’s journey to self love is different, but for all of us it involves finding ways to fulfill your emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental needs.

Emotional needs are your hearts desires. Anything you want for yourself. Spiritual needs are your purpose. Anything you want for others. Physical needs are your body. Maintaining health through diet and exercise. Finally your mental needs are knowledge and learning. Reading or trying new things.

You must accomplish growth in these alone. People can help, but you cannot depend on them. Otherwise you’ll never learn how to make your own liquid to pour and you’ll always find your life a sad one that’s lacking.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Reject I read your comment before I fell asleep but my eyes were heavy & I was out of energy to respond lol. I think the exact same way as what you mentioned & it's funny how the last part you mentioned is the only part I never really thought of myself. The emotional, spiritual, physical, & mental stuff, I mean. That's very insightful. It's funny when I first saw you active here I thought you might be on the sad side because of your name & your pfp, but I always find your comments to be so positive & thoughtful. You always have something authentic to contribute. Thanks for being here man 🙏

Reject · 31-35, M

@ChiefJustWalks I was just waking up when I commented! Happy you got your rest and found something to think about in my comment. Your feeling was right. Most of my life is on the sad side. That’s why I’ve spent decades coming up with solutions to get out of that. I’m not like I used to be, that’s for sure. Still, I keep my profile picture and name because they still apply. I just find happiness and positivity despite that. Most of what I say is what I’ve figured out works in overcoming my problems. Thanks for reaching out when I randomly came back! There’s not enough real friends in a place like this one. So your presence here is welcome.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Reject I get that entirely. I've been down pretty much my whole life but I do a great job at not showing that. Sometimes when I tell anybody about my life they say things like they don't know how I stay so positive. It's really about just spreading positivity because I don't want to spread negative energy. I do my best to block that out of my life because I feel enough of that directed at myself & there's no need for it. I have no room for it with all the space my own takes up. I think that's probably the best way I could explain it really.
I like your attitude. Idk why I had a feeling you were a cool dude but you're cooler than I thought tbh 🤙