Career & Inspiration > Self-Improvement

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My self esteem is way too low...

It hurts when I see friends I've been chatting a lot with appear with a green dot on the homepage, only to be offline again a minute later. I've opened SW plenty of times out of habit when looking for something else and I know that could very well be why they popped up, but I can't help but think they logged in purposefully, saw I was online too and logged out to avoid me.

That feeling is even stronger when they read my message and leave without replying, while I also sometimes want to give a reply more thought. I just can't convince myself that to be the case when someone does it to me and instead immediately feel like they are no longer interested. Even if they do get back to me later 90% of the time, that doesn't stop me from jumping to that conclusion...

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OogieBoogie · F

I honestly think youre overthinking all this .
People have a myriad of reasons why they dont respond.
I , myself may be on the boards posting , but not responding to messages - all becuase;
- I may be a work, and time is limited.
- Im online , but also doing stuff at home like cooking or housework.
- or im unwinding and dont wanna get into heavy conversation.

Sometimes i leave conversations for weeks, for many different reasons : touchy topics, still haven't thought of a reply ....just dont feel like it.

Remember, this place is for fun, to destress, chill out and mentally relax.

Dont put pressure on yourself like this . You cant assume all the variables in a persons life or situation .

And its unfair on your self to think that of all the possible reasons this can happen.... its you.

You DO realise most of us are fucked up right?😂

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NerdyPotato · M

@OogieBoogie it's true that the best friendships I've known had breaks of months or even years and we could just pick up where we left whenever there was a reason to speak again. Those are absolutely awesome. But when feeling lonely, a lack of consistency brings me down extremely quickly. It's quite a paradox, I know.

OogieBoogie · F

@NerdyPotato yeah .
I get that .

But then , thats what the boards are for.
If the feed wasnt so shit , itd be much easier to interact and socialise.

I remember when this place was buzzing and i was guarunteed of a laugh on a bad day.

Now....sometimes its just more depressing so i log off.

NerdyPotato · M

@OogieBoogie yes, public interactions help too, albeit to a lesser extend. But when you have to wait minutes for any content that's not 2+ days old, half of which isn't interesting at all, and replies are only one-sided because nobody previously interacting with it is still online, that feels like a waste of time too. Granted, commenting on that may still lead to further interaction a day later, but when I'm feeling lonely I need real time contact.

CestManan · 46-50, F

On the technical side of SW - take the green dot with a grain of salt. Some are nearly always logged in but may not be HERE here.
Or if the green dot vanishes right away, that likely has something to do with the refresh.
I talk to one person here who is here a lot but her green dot comes and goes erratically.

But yeah in any case there is that voice in our minds always trying to convince us that we are unwanted. It is easy to rationalize. How come Pat said hi to her but no me? How come someone didn't say "Good morning"? And then we start thinking we are the biggest reject on the planet and not even bill collectors would want to interact with us.

Sometimes it gets so bad that we feel like even Tom from MySpace would block us but that is almost never the case.

The only time people really say about others "Oh Gyod, another pest who wants to talk" is when people are at work and the phone rings. 😄

Oh let me tell you something funny that happened at work the other day - so some customer comes in to get God knows what and he asks me, "Do you know how..." and I cut him off right away and said, "I do not".
I wonder what he was gonna ask. 🤔

Not sure where this was going.

NerdyPotato · M

@CestManan your rambles are perfect! 😁 You made some pretty good points at the start and though I don't know where that last part was going either, it was a funny addition. 🤣

LadyGrace · 70-79

I don't blame you. This has happened to others as well, including myself. It does leave you with odd feeling. I'm sorry this happened to you.

NerdyPotato · M

It even gets to the point where I ask myself if I should leave so they can enjoy the site instead of me, or whether I should block them so we can coexist freely. But then I'm afraid they'd be upset if I misjudged the situation and they did enjoy chatting. There is just no right way to deal with this...

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LadyGrace · 70-79

@NerdyPotato I think the right way to deal with it, would be to just realize that those who care about you or love you, will always be here for you, and as you know, it's just impossible to be here every minute somebody needs us, so in that case, I try not to overanalyze and take it with a grain of salt. There are times when I would love to be here, but I can't and it's nothing personal towards anyone. We can just have a good time and enjoy ourselves and our friends will always be here for us, unless they leave. Haha

candycane · 31-35, F

@LadyGrace and many are leaving

LadyGrace · 70-79

@candycane Sadly, yes.

Jenny1234 · 51-55, F

You’re worrying too much and shouldn’t take it personally

For example, with me, I’ll sign onto sw and my internet will go down or I need to do something else quickly irl or I’ll get a phone call so I sign out within a few minutes. Or I’m checking my feed and the latest posts and then I have to go. There could be so many reasons why I’m off and on sw quickly at various times of the day. Same when I read a message: I’ll get busy doing something ie irl and mean to come back and reply to the message and I forget.

This message was deleted by its author.

NerdyPotato · M

Another reason of doubt is when people stop logging in for as little as over a day. "Did I drive them away from SW?!" Of course not. Most people have busy days. But that mind of mine... 😢

HootyTheNightOwl

Lol... even you have done that on me, though - sometimes, we can be chatting away and I come back from replying to you, only to see that you've gone to bed... 🤣🤣🤣

As for your friends going offline on you... they might have already been offline before you opened the site - maybe you came in after they left and before their light went out???

NerdyPotato · M

@HootyTheNightOwl usually I let the people I'm in a conversation with know personally or make a post about going to sleep though. But yes, it also happens that I fall asleep with my phone in my hand, occasionally even in the middle of writing a sentence.

The situations I was referring though were when I'm online well before them and they pop in very briefly without any interaction I can see.

HootyTheNightOwl

@NerdyPotato My man often leaves me on "Read" overnight, too... I had to work hard on accepting that it's not my fault when he does that - maybe he just got busy/distracted or too tired to talk more tonight, but he wanted to see how I was first. It doesn't bother me as much anymore because he usually picks up again in a few days at most... maybe sooner if he's missing me.

As for the rest of the site... that's why I developed two circles of friends - my inner circle of friends are those who tend not to ignore me and I feel able to go to them with just about anything and the rest I don't let myself worry about too much.

I learned that pretty early on in my time here, when my former Sire was telling them to shut up and at least listen to what I was trying to say first.

Now I don't mind as much about what others think of me after all the hours I spent watching how cruel this place could be in politics.

I also logic that maybe my friends are too busy in real life to talk to me just now and I hope that they might reply later in the day. If nothing else, it helps me to keep my stress levels down.

SW-User

People who really care will be present no matter what.

NerdyPotato · M

@SW-User True. That's part of the problem though. There are other reasons not to come online for a day or two, but my mind jumps to the conclusion they don't care.

CrazyMusicLover · 31-35

I'm sorry you feel that way. I have always my dot turned off but I do it a lot too. I do exactly what you described too and don't even understand why. Maybe a form of social anxiety. It's nothing personal.
The only advice I have is to not take it personally. It's not you, it's often them.

You might be overthinking it too.

bookerdana · M

Someone on EP once was convinced that I was logging off when they came ON....🙄 It wasn't true but it put a real strain on the friendship as it was repeated several times....these light on ,light off things just aren't perfect

NerdyPotato · M

@bookerdana I know the turning off can be delayed, but I don't think it would randomly turn on with the user not opening any page? 🤔

bookerdana · M

@NerdyPotato I don't see green lights on my friends images,nowadays and some I do see deleted/haven't logged in for years🤷‍♂️

theawkward1 · 31-35, F

You are definitely overthinking things

SW-User

Yesterday morning I opened sw and see that I was "signed in" for maybe 14 hours, but in reality, I was here for 35 seconds before I went to bed..
Regularly I sign in and if nothing interesting strikes me, I will disappear just as quickly

I'm going to sign out now for instance, I've got things to do

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

I never sign myself out here, I just leave it logged in on my phone. I don’t know if that makes a difference?

Sometimes I am just in so much pain that I want to just stick to the boards. I don’t think it’s got anything to do with you 💖.

candycane · 31-35, F

Im in out all the time and pay no attention your putting to much over think into that

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NerdyPotato · M

@LadyGrace thank you for your support. I really appreciate this view and would agree with not confirming someone's feelings of being to blame.

In my opinion that didn't happen here though. She pointed out that I'm overestimating my role in people's choice to avoid social media for a day or two. There are many valid reasons to take a break and it's honestly even healthy to do so.

Thinking I drove them to become less active by assuming I upset them is therefore unreasonable and feeling guilty over something that probably has nothing to do with me is objectively my fault. That's not the same as being to blame though as humans can't control every thought or feeling.

I believe @candycane confirmed I'm at fault, but not that I'm to blame. That's a major difference.

LadyGrace · 70-79

@NerdyPotato

I believe @candycaneconfirmed I'm at fault, but not that I'm to blame. That's a major difference.

I totally agree with that but I was not trying to blame anybody. I think I should have just not said anything hahaha because people got the idea I was blaming them for something when I only wanted to point out that we're going to have feelings and it's okay but still, I should have just left it alone and I'm sorry I even answered. Haha I certainly wasn't blaming candy cane and I thought I had made that clear.

LadyGrace · 70-79

Candycane, I just want to point out that all of you were right. I obviously didn't word my post very well but I promise you I was not trying to attack you. Neither one of us know what he was actually thinking or feeling so my point was that we can't help what we feel at times. Or why. And sometimes things just get to us, and yes we may be overthinking or just depressed, was actually what I wanted to say, but boogered up really bad. 😂 So I apologize if I hurt your feelings. I certainly didn't mean to. I just didn't word my reply very well. Please accept my apologies.

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