If every day I self-mutilate, I wouldn't have to worry about being a human, and in not worrying about being a human, I wouldn't have to concentrate on the wasted Life I'm living.
Junkfan, I only write to relieve myself. I don't need pity. I know you aren't pitying me either.
By the way, heartbreak is expected on these sites. As I've read one of your stories, which somehow depressed me, as I see it, I couldn't meet anyone online, as I've met someone on AOL at 12 years old and after we'd met, I never saw him again. After two phone calls upon the time I thought he'd made me pregnant, I never saw nor heard from him again. I believe he was a human trafficking victim, only because I saw the man who'd brought him to my house 10 years later, at the train station, who'd flashed me, as I was looking the wrong way for the train. Obviously, the man looked like he was about 45 or 55 years old and you cannot age much between that time frame. He was speaking to another man. The thing is that working on this puzzle, my then boyfriend told me that before me he dated another female who was lighter than me and had the same hair and height. The problem is that one day as I was going into the elevator, 2 women came in on I believe the third floor. There was a total of 4 of us in the elevator. When they were leaving, one of them told me "tell your friend next to you to go and take a shower", who was from India and an electrician for maintainance in the building. We weren't even friends. They were in nursing uniforms, with nursing badges, yet in return, I NEVER EVER SAW THESE TWO WOMEN AGAIN AT THE HOSPITAL, AND I WAS A VOLUNTEER FOR THE LONGEST. The other woman looked like she could've been his girlfriend as she was light and she'd had the same hair and height as me.
I figured he was human trafficked amongst them, which really hurts because he was the only actual person who ever loved me and made me feel like a human. For after him, I could look at no other man, and kept away from pursuing a relationship with another after he'd left me. I waited so many years for him to come back to me, but he never did. I figured he was some sort of illegal immigrant without parents who was brought to the USA and human trafficked amongst his adoptive family. I believe that they thought about human trafficking him amongst others, but they knew they would've been caught by the eyes of the law. The thing is that they most likely manipulated him, so he had to keep quiet. I figured that he was an immigrant only because I solely believe that they murdered him. I've learnt that God sends His Angels down for a reason, to protect and guide another. I cried for so many years, from since he left me at 12 years old, all the way to when I was 19 years old. I could look at no other male. He changed my life for forever and I Praise Jesus for Him, he just so reminds me to pray, as I haven't for a while now...
As a young pre-teen, I lost my virginity to a guy who raped me. He was 12 and I was 11. He just so happened to be "THE GODSON OF THE LOCAL HINDU TEMPLE" that my Grandmother'd attended. Upon being raped, and blaming myself even though I was threatened, I lost a tremendous, tremendous amount of respect for myself, and learnt that my Virginity was something I could never get back, even if I hadn't bled or felt any pain. I was with another guy after the rape and then finally, my last fallen love, who made the difference. My Father never told me to "play it safe", he told me to study my books, that in being a young lady I was to have my period and bleed. This was something my Foster Mother never told me, as she had her 2 boyfriends and one of their entire families molest and drug me. My Father was the one who'd made the difference, but I couldn't tell him that I was raped, as the guy who raped me was in a gang called "Decepticon" or the "Decepts". I hated myself for having the guy rape me, as I wanted only to make my Father proud even in the hell I was going through.
At the time I met him, I didn't think that he may have been human trafficked and if he was, I would've ran away with him and we would've died together because he was the only light at the end of the dark tunnel for me, as everyone around me codemned and hated me. I only started to figure out that he may have been human trafficked around four or five years back or after the time I saw the man that brought him to my premises.
We've lived a similar story. We can relate. The thing I learnt is to NEVER EVER AGAIN MEET ANYONE OFFLINE, as it could lead to major heartbreak and possibly loss of life.
I use to worry about what people thought about me and what was expected by society's standards. A year ago I finally decided I am who I am and I accepted myself just the way I am. My life might not have changed to anyone else but I'm happy inside for the first time in my life. I hope you can come to some kind of acceptance some day.
This sounds like a fight too big to battle on your own. It doesn't have to be this bad. Please talk to a professional - or at least a friend. And do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Be selfish with yourself, and also....be you. I wish you strength. Kia kaha.
If you keep trying to change, eventually you will change. Keep practising being the person you want to be, and don't worry about what society calls a "human", just be... Good. Also, neither do I believe in luck. There's only events that are affected by the present which can be affected by the history and future in mind. No such thing as luck.
@Starry - I'm not offering pity, or telling you to deal with your crap - what I'm saying is that you need to have what appears to be serious depression dealt with so that you are stronger to make the decisions about your life that you need, or want, to make. For ME, I need my meds to help me deal with MY crap. I just hate seeing someone hurting like you are. Take care. I won't bother you again.
@Starry - then please find a health professional. I cannot diagnose clinical depression for you, but this sure sounds like it. If so, there are medications that can make us better able to cope with the crap that life can throw at us all. I'm happy to listen if you want/need to rant.
SW-User
MartinTheFirst, the way the sequence of events in my Life occur tell me that there is something called Luck...
For example, you could compare my bad Luck to the movie "Final Destination", as it is recurring in a sequence of events that lead you to rationalize the fact that "hey, this bitch really does have Bad Luck"...
Hunkalove, are you the guy that sends me all those Love Letters I can't open?
SW-User
Aye junkfan, not everyone's life is a Party. I'm being drugged and abused. I'm 30 years old and I've been suffering in the same household with the same abuse since I was a child. I don't need a clinician, nor do I need a pity party or for someone to tell me to deal with the crap. So what if I mutilate myself? If you're telling me to deal with the crap, obviously you didn't have the need to answer!
