Who decides what is "fair" in a divorce?

@Belovebelight: THX... I just realized that you have selected my answer as the best one!!!!

Good day/night to you too :)

@Belovebelight: Any time, glad to try to help

Firefall: I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you about one of your statements. In this day & age (and for the past 20 years at least), the child custody Courts are NOT male privileged. By far not. Trust me I know. I could give you a first hand account that would take the rest of the day to type and contradict that.

The REAL problem for ANYONE going through this is the choice of an attorney. For example, there is a local attorney where I live that's consider to be the "best around". And he WILL work diligently to get the best possible outcome for his client. My ex had him. The PROBLEM is this. He was NOT looking out for HER best interests. And was SURELY NOT looking out for our child's best interest. He continued to file countless asinine motions, subpoenaed every one under the sun, and racked up massive fees, that SHE had to pay him. All for nothing. This idiot attorney insisted that we all appear in Court on a day in which our child had a very important school ceremony. All so that he could, once again, charged more fees. When the Judge found this out, he was livid. He told my ex and specifically her attorney, to get out of his Courtroom and to NOT come back. He also told them that they needed to get their priorities in order.

Just a couple of years ago, my wife's cousin hired this SAME attorney. He charged her a $30,000 retainer fee. And they are STILL going to Court. He is STILL charging her fees. At one point in time, this attorney had even subpoenaed my wife AND I, even though we have almost NO knowledge of their situation. Therefore, the point of all this? She needs a good attorney; that's true. But a FAIR attorney that's looking out for her & the kids best interest. And NOT his own!?!?

@Virgo4Whore: If you notice my footnote, you'll see I agree that child custody courts are not biased in favour of males, quite the reverse. And that lawyer you describe is horrific but sadly unsurprising, it's a profession overrun with the unethical and greedy. I would qualify my statement to say, a good attorney is one that looks after -your- interests, not his own.

@TexChik: This the best and correct advice!

I hope him an I can remain friends...for the kids sake.

@Belovebelight: All you have to do truly is be amicable for the kids' sakes. That takes a level of maturity that is difficult when people separate. Just never say anything negative about one another in their presences. That is a good start. As they get older, they can learn and decide why you are no longer together. There is less rancor then. I wish you good fortune in your new journey. If you need open ears or just wish to chat, do message me. I am happy to listen or to motivate you. :)

You're right... I do feel bad

@Belovebelight: Damn I'm sorry. I was married young as well. It hurt when we first split but it got much better soon after. You guys still living together? Kids?

@kekobaka: yes still living together. I can't afford to leave yet.

@Belovebelight: The sooner you move out the better for both of you. All you're doing is torturing each other by staying there. Rip that bandaid off so you can both start a new life.

@Djce45: not in the near future

I see. I got divorced, and I resisted it. I am quite happily re-married, so God did bless me in that respect.

@MartinTheFirst: You speak from a life of little experience and from a book of religious zealotry. How dare you say she should stay in a miserable union? God, if he exists, would not want this. I do not approve of people who claim to be religious and demand others -meaning every single person on this vast earth- be religious. When you become older and wiser and have lived life, perhaps you will speak with a wiser tongue. Even a "god" would know when to change a life that is clearly damaging. I do not care whether you are upset or not, the poster of this question is seeking advice. And she is moving towards positive change. Her husband is a brute. And his treatment of her is certainly horrifying and uncharitable and unloving. I think you can understand that. His behaviour is unhusbandlike. Religious zealots help no one but themselves. That is why only religious zealots join religious zealots.

And vows that are not upheld because a person doesn't love or help or trust the one that one is married to are worthless. People say them lightly. They then think that treating someone horribly and abusing them or cheating is just fine and Christian-like. That is beyond words. Staying in a union which is unhappy, unhealthy, and miserable which has been worked on is just plain stupid.

@PoetryNEmotion: My parents have been through all of this, therefore I've been through all of this that this woman is mentioning as well. Not to the emotional extent, not to the details she has experienced, but to a very similar situation.

My parents moved away from each other after a long time of us fighting, I was fighting a lot between them as well. I protected my mother, and she protected me (verbally). We moved away for a year, it was nothing better. Our living situation was poor after going away from my father, and she was sad every day as she still loved him.

We moved back after a year, it didn't solve when we moved back, but it was still better than being divorced, both for my part, and as I noticed, for my mothers sake as well. As I grew older, my father started to understand more and more what he was doing to us, I started to tell him what was on my mind, and it has now become very calm (part from some weekends, it's nothing too bad though, it's easily handled and will only get better from now on).

Now my mother is happier, and my father is happier, and they still love each other as 50-60 year olds.
I helped them stay together, as I asked her to stay with my father.

Take it easy my friend, you do not know what I have been through.

____________________

God do not want her any harm, not him either, however he do want them to stay together and solve it for their own sake, that is what is said in the bible after all.

I am giving her my advice, you do not see me harassing other people's experience and opinions and religious views, so please collect yourself. I get to talk from my own position in life, take it for what it is, if you believe it is bad advice then go ahead and block me, but I will not keep quiet because some woman thinks her opinion goes above my own.

I know what I believe, I know what my God wants us to do, and I am here to help.

You are right. When I was home alone...and had barricaded myself in my closet with a knife to my wrist, as his hateful words and violent actions ran circles in my head, tears streaming down my face... I decided I am better then this. My kids deserve a mother.... it was in that moment that I realized death was not my only option... I could leave. It took me 2 years after that moment to gain the courage to even tell him I wanted out. So yes I am leaving by choice... and it is the best choice I have made for my soul.
I dedicated my life from 16-33 with this man... all I am asking for is a chance to start a new life. I don't want to be the kind of woman that ruins a man's life by taking everything the house, pension, alimony, child support. I am giving him the house, not requesting child support, not touching his pension, and want to live close enough so that we are both available for our kids. Even if I live in a 2 bed room apartment, cause I share as hell can't get anything bigger then that in this area. I just want to see my kids.

@Randy1737: I wish you could see ... but it's ok that you don't understand. I am sorry my question caused you to feel angry. I am just trying to get some others views... cause I am driving myself crazy

@Belovebelight: I suspect that's a bot... a program ... a consult an attorney will give you some piece of mind

Never tried that with music. Good to know.