Who decides what is "fair" in a divorce?

I have been married for 11 years (together for 17) i reached my limit a few years ago and last summer finally had the courage to tell him I wanted out. Since then it has been ago horrible Rollercoaster ride as he goes through the loss of his marriage. Grasping at every attempt possible to manipulate me into staying. Most recently telling me I am possessed because that is the only way a divorce can happen. Ridiculous and ludicrous...but it can just be added to the list of reasons why I am leaving. I proposed that he keep the house, just giving me 50% of the equity we have accrued in the last 9 years. Hoping I can use that as a down payment and start my own life. But after looking at houses it doesn't seem like I will be able to stay close at all. It breaks my heart really...I have been a stay at home mom for 8 years... I can't live with out my boys. So what do I do? I dont know...

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firefall · 61-69, M

Go get a good divorce lawyer. After that much time as his support, you definitely deserve half the house, amongst other things, and he's clearly not going to cooperate, on that or any other front, so scare him with a sharp, aggressive-sounding lawyer.

Really, I can't emphasise this enough. You will find most* judges will be biased against you (male privilege rules), so relying on the 'justice' of the Justice system is an invitation to being ripped off.

(* Family Court judges will often be biased in your favour, so visitation/custody issues are less likely to be problematic).

Belovebelight · 36-40, F

Thank you for your support! I appreciate it

firefall · 61-69, M

@Belovebelight: Any time, glad to try to help

RemovedUsername329422 · 51-55, M

Firefall: I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you about one of your statements. In this day & age (and for the past 20 years at least), the child custody Courts are NOT male privileged. By far not. Trust me I know. I could give you a first hand account that would take the rest of the day to type and contradict that.

The REAL problem for ANYONE going through this is the choice of an attorney. For example, there is a local attorney where I live that's consider to be the "best around". And he WILL work diligently to get the best possible outcome for his client. My ex had him. The PROBLEM is this. He was NOT looking out for HER best interests. And was SURELY NOT looking out for our child's best interest. He continued to file countless asinine motions, subpoenaed every one under the sun, and racked up massive fees, that SHE had to pay him. All for nothing. This idiot attorney insisted that we all appear in Court on a day in which our child had a very important school ceremony. All so that he could, once again, charged more fees. When the Judge found this out, he was livid. He told my ex and specifically her attorney, to get out of his Courtroom and to NOT come back. He also told them that they needed to get their priorities in order.

Just a couple of years ago, my wife's cousin hired this SAME attorney. He charged her a $30,000 retainer fee. And they are STILL going to Court. He is STILL charging her fees. At one point in time, this attorney had even subpoenaed my wife AND I, even though we have almost NO knowledge of their situation. Therefore, the point of all this? She needs a good attorney; that's true. But a FAIR attorney that's looking out for her & the kids best interest. And NOT his own!?!?

firefall · 61-69, M

@Virgo4Whore: If you notice my footnote, you'll see I agree that [u]child custody[/u] courts are not biased in favour of males, quite the reverse. And that lawyer you describe is horrific but sadly unsurprising, it's a profession overrun with the unethical and greedy. I would qualify my statement to say, a good attorney is one that looks after -your- interests, not his own.