Who decides what is "fair" in a divorce?

I have been married for 11 years (together for 17) i reached my limit a few years ago and last summer finally had the courage to tell him I wanted out. Since then it has been ago horrible Rollercoaster ride as he goes through the loss of his marriage. Grasping at every attempt possible to manipulate me into staying. Most recently telling me I am possessed because that is the only way a divorce can happen. Ridiculous and ludicrous...but it can just be added to the list of reasons why I am leaving. I proposed that he keep the house, just giving me 50% of the equity we have accrued in the last 9 years. Hoping I can use that as a down payment and start my own life. But after looking at houses it doesn't seem like I will be able to stay close at all. It breaks my heart really...I have been a stay at home mom for 8 years... I can't live with out my boys. So what do I do? I dont know...

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Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

Go see a lawyer who deals with family law.
They should be able to give you a 'fixed fee' interview.
During which they'll ask all the relevant questions.
Why you are seeking a divorce.
Who will have care of the children.
Visitation rights etc.
They'll get to the question of your investment in the family home too.
Divorce is not easy. It's designed NOT to be !
It is possible a judge may decide you have a right to a certain percentage of the value of your home. But even if you live in a sizable mansion. Don't expect to be able to afford the lifestyle you are currently accustomed to.
If you are going through all this and STILL living in the family home, try and find alternate accommodation.
A lot less messier if you aren't at each others throats 24/7.