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Should I walk away from this “Situationship”? (Please read)

I’ve been dealing with a man who I’ve grown to love. We’ve been dealing with eachother for about 7 months so far... since summer (June 2019) and I mean, we do everything together. We go to the movies, dinner, lunch, we talk all night long, all day long, we’ve been intimate, he gives me lots of affection, forehead kisses, you name it. I’m very nurturing and affectionate with him as well. Super supportive of his music career and we talk about everything under the sun. We really bond well together. We walk hand in hand in public, therefore he’s not afraid of PDA, the only thing is, he doesn’t want a relationship but I do. No matter how many times I try to walk away, I’m pulled back in with the guilt trips and gaslighting. He would say things like “you probably want to end things because there’s someone else” or “I’m sorry I can’t give you want you want right now, I’m just not ready” and things of that nature but yet he acts as if he doesn’t understand how he played a major part in me catching these feelings. I even told him I was in love with him and he told me I wasn’t. I said how can you tell me how I feel? I am in love with you. He tells me he’s not ready for me to feel that way about him because he doesn’t want a relationship. He goes on and on about how he “just got out of a toxic relationship (in which he still keeps in touch with the ex) and he also uses his music career as a reason why he’s not ready, yet he wants me everywhere he goes. Also questions me about my inbox on social media and acts jealous if he thinks I’m talking to another guy. It’s confusing! I don’t know what to do. We have so much fun together but when it’s bad, it’s bad. He knows what I want and he knows that he wants to play the field, when I let him know that I know he doesn’t want commitment so that he can play the field he denies it, yet clearly want to appear single since he introduces me as his “friend” when people ask him who I am to him (women in particular). I know it’s pathetic for me to stick around given all this info, but it’s so complicated, because I know he’s emotionally unavailable, I just don’t know how to let go and go cold turkey on someone I’ve had deep feelings for.

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BalmyNites · F

Simple - he’s a narcissistic player who is having his cake & eating it. He’s told you plainly that he does not want to be in a relationship with you, yet you still stay around, so he’s getting what he wants. Don’t mistake his jealousy as a sign that he cares - he just doesn’t want to lose his FWB. If you stick around long enough, he will eventually drop you for a woman who will not allow herself to be used.

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Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@BalmyNites thank you for taking out the time to reply back, it’s greatly appreciated. I know that I have to walk away, and I will. I told myself I was going to leave him in 2019 and instead, I brought in the new year with him (literally). Worst mistake I could’ve made.

You are right, it will only get worse the longer I stick around. He will definitely get nasty because he’s done it before. There was a time where I ignored him for a little while because of something hurtful he said to me. One day we were hanging out and I walked away from him after a conversation we had where he stated that his main focus is his music, getting famous, Living his best life and f****ng women. That’s what he said to me and it made me sick to my stomach because I asked him how could he mention other women knowing how I feel about him? He told me to stay out of my feelings so I walked away and went home. That evening I began to ignore him so he sent me a nasty text message (Calling me a fake b**** and a s*ut) and told me I was breaking things off with him probably because I’m screwing someone else. That caused me to become disgusted with him and I wanted to end things because I was so upset and hurt that he could even say those things to me and below was his exact reply and “apology”. I would like to share it with you so you can see for yourself the type of mindgames and manipulation I’ve had to deal with. 💔

And even though he claimed he wouldn’t “bother me anymore” he continued to call me after receiving no reply from me. I admit after about a week or so of him being adamant, I gave in.

Hey Melissa I'm really sorry for the way I've been acting lately, I don't know what it is maybe it's the frustration of what I'm going through, maybe it's me, maybe I'm crazy who knows. I would like to tell you I apologize over the phone but you must not want to talk to me. I didn't think we couldn’t talk, I didn't think we were that close to extinction and you chose to cut me off after something I said about living my life. I totally understand if you are looking for a relationship and are looking for someone to be in a relationship with. I am sorry I can't be that right now because I am not ready but I do apologize with my deepest condolences for ever disrespecting you because you have shown me nothing but support and love and lust LOL. I apologize for taking you for granted, I have been a loner for the past 2 years, not dealing with anyone so I guess I've gotten kind of weird. I see that you do not want to talk or exchange messages so I won't bother you anymore but I had to part ways with my apology.. if you would like to talk feel free to text or call me have a nice day

BalmyNites · F

@Mrowe718 All mind games hun! What you must keep in your head is, he is an actor playing a role. He is not speaking from the heart & he is not really upset at all. He has a lot at stake here, he stands to lose his punchbag after all! So he will fight to get you back under his control - saying whatever words he thinks will get to you. I’ve had tears, retributions, he tried to hack my accounts (bank, mobile phone, internet etc). He’s attacked me, he’s sent me nasty messages calling me all sorts of names, he’s even threatened that if I don’t reply he will take his own life. You MUST IGNORE IT ALL - because even the shortest text back or slight sign of weakness on your part & he will worm his way back in & ruin some more years of your life. You owe it you YOU to put yourself first & get rid of this low life liar for good 🤗😘

PS) The last thing I ever said to him was, that I promised him that he would never get to speak to me again in his entire life. I’ve stuck to that & so must you

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@BalmyNites thank you for the reply, I appreciate your words of encouragement. I will take all of the above into consideration, at the end of the day, I know things will only get worse. He is who he is, and in that narcissistic head of his, he does no wrong and doesn’t need fixing. He may “claim” he needs help but doesn’t do anything to get help. I’m tired and drained, I no longer wish to be seen as an “unofficial girlfriend” or a piece or meat, or just another notch under his belt.

Mamapolo2016 · F

If he doesn't want a relationship, meaning the two of you don't have one, how can he be jealous? How can he call you back to something that doesn't exist?

What he wants is for YOU to have a relationship while he feels free to do whatever he wants.

As long as you allow him to have it both ways, have it both ways he will.

He isn't doing this to you. You are.

Until you make it crystal clear and definite that you won't play his game anymore, he wins. Every time.

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@Mamapolo2016 this means so much to me, thank you for your reply. I truly don’t want to do this anymore with him, hence me reaching out for help and answers. It sucks because I’ve had the upper hand so many times and I gave in to the mind games and empty apologies quite a few times.

I want to let him know I’m done but in his mind, we have to be in a “bad space” for that to happen meaning just had an argument or something. I truly just want to have a mature convo with him and let him know that this is hurting me and I no longer want to do “this” anymore.

Mamapolo2016 · F

@Mrowe718 People like him are like sharks. They taste blood in the water and if you are angry or cry, he'll find his opening.

It is very difficult to do if you are not convinced. Sounds like you are very near the end of 'wishful thinking.' When you are at the end, if you can't do it in person, do it on the phone or by text or email, but do it. While he doesn't want to commit his life, he's devouring yours with your full permission.

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTiyLuZOs1A]

P.S. If he is a narcissist and even if he's only selfish and self-centered, he will never say "You're right. I'm selfish. I hope you find the right guy." Don't wait for that.

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@Mamapolo2016 Profound words, thank you ❤️

approachingmyexpirationdate · 61-69, M

you already know he's using you - drop him like a bad habit.

you can do better.

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approachingmyexpirationdate · 61-69, M

@Mrowe718 manipulative isn't he.

block his number
delete his email
send his email to the trash

hang out with your friends and fill up your time

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@approachingmyexpirationdate extremely manipulative and it sucks but I suppose going “no contact” is the absolute only way to truly let go.

approachingmyexpirationdate · 61-69, M

@Mrowe718 there is no way to just "be friends" - hang in there!

Anonymartyr · M

He should either commit or stay out of relationships. It is no good for you to be kept on a shelf. He is not considering your feelings in his decisions, only his own. He obviously does not feel as deeply for you as you do for him, which amounts to a 1-sided relationship, just like all the ones I have had. It is better to be alone and lonely than to have someone with you who is only using you. Your partner has to invest as much love as you do or it won't last through hardships.

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Anonymartyr · M

@Mrowe718 That is no good at all. You deserve better than that, just like I deserve better than to be discarded just because I am poor because of being crippled .

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@Anonymartyr we both deserve better. I’m praying for better days. Thank you very much for your kind words 🙏

Anonymartyr · M

@Mrowe718 let me know if you are ever in/going to Windsor Ontario Canada. I can't travel.

Complexconfessions · M

If you want sonething that he doesnt want and trys to guilt trip you into relenting to his needs then its not worth staying together. End of story. You have to put yourself first in any relationship and if theyre not on the same page then they arent the one youre meant to be with. Sounds like he wants all the benefits of a relationship without putting the work into it. Give him another chance and if he still doesnt want to take it a step farther then at least you tried and gave it your all.

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Complexconfessions · M

@Mrowe718 I basically just went through something similar. I refuse to be used though anymore and would rather be alone with my dog. It really sucks because I shut out so many people because of her that I dont even have anyone to talk to now.

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@Complexconfessions That is basically what happened to me. I spent a lot of time with him and him only. No longer hanging with friends, because he requested all of my time, rarely talking on the phone with friends because me and him are always talking, it’s just bad all around. I know the longer I entertain him, the less chances I’ll have of actually finding someone who is actually good to me and for me. Trust me, if I had one my dog would be my absolute best friend too..

Complexconfessions · M

@Mrowe718 Yeah it sucks, especially being alone afterwards. You just need to start finding your own happiness now. Cutting them out of your life is the only way you can start to get over them.

questionWeaver

That is always difficult ... feel for you ... stay on the high ground ... love pure ... love without claim ... but stay true to yourself

He will not change

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@questionWeaver thank you so much for this. It hurts, but I do know better. 💞

Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

Oh hon.
The sad reality is he can't give you what you deserve.
Which is to be loved and adored for you and you alone.

He has some fantasy life going on in his head where HE'S the one being 'adored by millions' in some fantasy world you're not part of.
Neither is he if he's honest !

He may well 'come to his senses' eventually. But if you wait he'll destroy everything that you hold dear in what you currently have.

And you deserve better !

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@Picklebobble2 thank you for your reply. It hurts badly but I will have to be strong and walk away, instead of being weak and staying and allowing myself to be mistreated and lead on... the sad part is, I know he knows I’m a good woman, he even admitted to taking me for granted but I think that was just a fake-epiphany to say what sounds good at the moment. Nothing has changed and he’s firm in his decision of not wanting a relationship. I’m also certain he doesn’t know how to be in one based on the fact that he thinks it’s okay to flirt with and entertain other women when you are already dealing with one.

I do know I deserve better, I have to show him that, or else I will just appear to be stupid and a pushover to him.

Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M

@Mrowe718 Heartbreaking. But I think you're absolutely right for all the reasons you listed. ❤️

GohantheThird · M

I am in a similar situation myself and I can tell you right now that it's not going to get better if we stand by and do nothing. They want their careers, fine. One of the best things I did, however, was date someone else for a few months. I did this with her before and while the relationship didn't work out it made my "situationship" much better. She hasn't always supported me dating other women, but when she does it meant something. I could trust her enough to let me live my life and let her live her life. She also respected me when I was still dealing with the break-up, and that was probably why I tried to make my "situationship" work again. Maybe I'll take my own advice and somehow make this one work.

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@GohantheThird I concur, “situationships” are hard and eventually end up bad because one person is WAY more emotionally invested than the other, it’s scary because I know this isn’t good, but my feelings are getting in the way of good judgment. I’d rather be alone than to feel this way, honestly.

I do hope everything works out for you.

GohantheThird · M

@Mrowe718 yeah, well she and I have been friends long enough that we can work our way through it (though I am going to start seeing other people I think).

This guy sounds like an uber-douche. Loose him and get out man. You deserve better. Fuck, we both do.

Sapio · 51-55, M

Seems like he is wanting to take advantage of the benefits that come with having a relationship without wanting to enter into or admit to a commitment. You need to walk away. It will only get worse for YOU.

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@Sapio thank you. This is exactly what’s happening (even though he denies it every single time). How should I walk away? A mature talk about no longer wanting it? Or just “no contact”?

Sapio · 51-55, M

@Mrowe718 I don't think talking face to face will be effective. And I say that because his guilt tripping and gaslighting has obviously been effective in the past.

That being said I think your options are to write him a letter, one that's straight to the point and brings you closure or text or email, blocking his ability to contact you afterwards.

The idea of a letter I like because it allows you to review your words and express yourself in the most effective manner.

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@Sapio I will write and express myself. I hope it works. I know face to face won’t work because as you mentioned, he’s worked his way back before in similar instances where I would try and walk away and he would talk me out of it with fake apologies. It sucks but I have to do it.

SW-User

Please walk away you”lo wished You had soon once you actually do and look back at everything. I know I do and I dated a guy from here and I wish I had dumped him when I found out he lied about something extremely important but I didn’t. He was also a narcissist. I feel for you bc I’ve been there.

Mrowe718 · 41-45, F

@SW-User thank you for your reply. Yes I truly believe he is a Narcissist. He’s only concerned with himself and his needs. My feelings don’t seem to matter much, and he expects me to get over things quickly. He even admitted that he’s sorry for how he’s been treating me, it’s only because other women have allowed him to get away with it. His exact words. I know I need to escape. It’ll only be hell if I don’t leave now.

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