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Why can't I leave my bf?

My boyfriend is very controlling, he hates it when I go see anyone including friends and family. He makes comments on the way I look and what I do and eat constantly.

He doesn't want me to have my own life, he wants me to solely rely on him financially so I have no independence whatsoever.

It's so so hard to leave, I feel like such a doormat. He provides for me and I wouldn't be able to sustain myself unless I go and get this degree he desperately doesn't want me to get. I'm sure he is cheating on me, he always has secret phone and secret dating profiles online even though I have never cheated.

Jesus Christ just why can't I leave him? I'm so scared of starting a new life on my own. I'm to embarrassed to talk about this with my family, I've always started strong for them.

I just need some strength and a clear head. I need to go study to find a better life and a good job that I love.

Had anyone else been in this position? I thought this would be a good life - a life without financial worries. Comes with a catch.
MontanamanM Best Comment
This really grabs me.
Touches me in a way that I can't even begin to explain in just a few words

Life is too short to be with someone that's toxic to you, and he is.

I've been married to my soulmate for 31 years, and I swear to you that the last 20, have gone way too fast.

Find your soulmate, and leave your cellmate behind in the dust.

馃馃挒馃槑馃憤
-The wisdom according to MM.
Memez26-30, F
@Montanaman Awwww, thank you for this, so happy for you! 鈽猴笍 I deserve happiness! I hope I also find my soulmate 馃槡
MontanamanM
@Memez I know you will, once you move on from control freak. 馃馃挒
Just do it, without worrying about after. Just do it , without delay. 馃憤
MontanamanM
Thank you for BA. 馃憤馃@Memez

okaybut56-60, M
These last couple posts are your escape...you are figuring it out. Trust yourself and you will be free. :)
Memez26-30, F
@okaybut Is it worth it? What's better; being poor and free or being comfortable and trapped? Either way you are restricted.
Memez26-30, F
@okaybut You are right.
okaybut56-60, M
@Memez I left a marriage...cost me pretty much everything. But the freedom is amazing. My new life is amazing. I have never looked back. The main thing is to watch your soul...your essence...your inner power - if that is being lost, you have to jump before it is too late. There is no choice. Reason does not matter.
curiosi61-69, F
You said it yourself you are scared. We all are but the only way to freedom is to face our fears head on. The road maybe difficult but nothing is more painful then looking back someday on a wasted life.
okaybut56-60, M
@curiosi Well said.
4meAndyouF
You just described the 3rd ex. RUN!!! Don't walk...RUN unless you want years of misery. Let me tell you, this is just the tip of the iceberg. When he feels like he HAS you he he will get worse.

He will probably end up hitting you...and there are very serious long term effects from long term mental abuse. You could end up with PTSD. You might become chronically depressed. He will probably escalate and escalate, until you end up in the hospital. And God forbid if you married him. He would probably damage your children, both mentally and physically.

And do you really want your ONLY life to be this misery? Don't you want to be happy?

If you REALLY feel that you just can't leave because you are frightened of being on your own, contact your local ER. They will have a telephone number you can call for the women's domestic violence shelter. Don't say to yourself, oh, he isn't hitting me,(yet).

Women's domestic violence shelters have FREE counselors, and TONS of experience dealing with this [b]fear[/b] that you have. He doesn't have to be hitting you for them to be able to recognize what he is. He is flying at least a dozen big red flags right now.

Counselors...free ones...can advise you and help you to address your fears and help you to become independent. They have food pantries available, they can help you to find a mechanic for your car who won't cheat you, they can tell you where to find the cheapest and safest apartments...these women KNOW. They can help. And it doesn't cost you a thing.
Memez26-30, F
@4meAndyou correction, thanks for sharing your story because you know what it feels like.
JimminyChristmas56-60, M
@4meAndyou Wow, they help find mechanics too? That's impressive! 馃憤锔
4meAndyouF
@JimminyChristmas They make recommendations for local business people who won't cheat women. Auto mechanics are famous for being able to see you coming, and women can be their biggest victims. All in all, local guidance is provided to women who have basically been sequestered and don't know how to manage on their own.
JimminyChristmas56-60, M
You should ask your family for help!! Don't "stay strong" for them, they are not in a harmful relationship. Ignore the embarrassment, it's silly! We all need help at some point! Ask someone in your family. Explain the situation, and tell them you need help!!
If they can help you, then COMMIT to doing what is necessary!
I've seen a few of your posts. If you are serious about not wanting to be treated so poorly, then leave!! Commit to saving yourself! Don't back out! If you do, you will be trapped forever.
ThePerfectUsername70-79, M
It sound to me like you lack clarity. Try writing a couple of lists... on the first list name everything that would be easier/less stressful if you left. And on the second list write down everything that would be easier/less stressful of you stayed.

Take your time over it and don't be afraid to add to either list as new thoughts occur to you.

Then when you're done compare the lists and decide which life you want to pursue. The way he's controlling you and the way it makes you feel is keeping you a constant state of anxiety that's not letting you think straight. With and luck those lists might help you to see what's going on more clearly and come to a decision that's based on cold hard facts and reality rather than confusing emotions. Good luck.
CarazaaF
I suggest you tell him what you need to be happy in a relationship. And then set a day in your mind to leave if you don't have your needs met by that date. You have to have a safety escape plan if he is possessive and abusive. Call him when he's at work after you've left without him knowing, and tell him you need a break and do not tell him know where you're staying. At that time you can suggest counseling for him. And after a few months after you've thought about it you can either leave for good or start over dating setting clear rules and expectations.
PlatinumM
Leave him as soon as possible it will only get worse and he will hit you...you can't love someone like that..
Yaz6936-40, M
You are a kind of slave of him.
itsoeasy56-60, M
get out, i once stayed in a bad relationaship i wasted so much time, im so gladi left them,
CarazaaF
Jesus asked the sick, Do you want to get well? I ask you that. Do you want to get well? Get up and walk馃尫
DwayneLungu26-30, M
He doesnt trust respect you give you space comfort you need. Leave him dont wait.
IWasCallingYaLarry26-30, M
Go do that you wanna do and live your life. He doesn't deserve you.
txboyinmidwest46-50, M
U answer your own questions. Leave abd dont look back reconnect with ur family and just sacrfice. Its better to be poor and learning than a doormat in a assholes jail
Success26-30, F
A new and faceless account specializing in boyfriend despising. I get it now.
Memez26-30, F
@Success You are one to judge.

 
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