Should I tell a person who is interested in me my sexual history? So sad story, after my eight...

zonavar68 · 56-60, M

If a person does NOT by default presume anyone in their mid-20's and up has 'sexual history' they're a bit delusional. Everyone's dating/sexual life is different. I didn't have any sexual history until my mid-20's and the early experiences were negative so I've never actually found sex a wholesome positive thing. I've also never been married, and never want to be.

I know my second ex (2013 to 2018) had a lot of abuse from men long before I dated her but she never opened up about it. I only got snippets and anecdotes. She's a narcissistic man-hater now and I think her sexual experiences before me play a big role in how she now thinks about sex, dating, and men.

That aside, it's not really relevant when dating someone new *unless* those past experiences hinder/harm your new relationship. This is what I think happened with mine.

If you can't move past what happened before to put full time/effort into something new, then it's not the right time for something new. Just my take on it.

I'm choosing to be single now because to me I can't see any value/benefit in trying to date anymore, but for you it could be totally the opposite. Everyone's experiences are different so you can't measure what you think and feel against what another person might think and feel.

Swoop62 · M

Some reason after reading some answers, I felt I would offer an opinion. I would be against telling him about any sexual encounters in the past. I believe you can be open about what past you choose but not about personal relationships in any depth that you had. As a guy, I would never ask those kind of things of a lady or answer any question related to that. maybe no black and white on that question for people but I think you should look at both sides before going down that road.

ViciDraco · 41-45, M

I would think for a long moment about how you believe these past experiences might impact your behavior in this new relationship. And then I would begin the discussion from there.

For example: If the SA encounter might make you flinch from sudden touch or make you want to take a slower path to reaching a sexual stage in the relationship, that is information that would help him understand your behaviors or pacing. So something like:

"I had an experience with an ex where he hesitated to accept no as an answer and would have raped me if I didn't start crying. Because of that, I might flinch or jump from sudden unexpected touch." Or "Because of that, I need you to be aware how important consent is to me."

Start at a high level with how the experience is going to impact your relationship with him. You don't need to volunteer excessive details up front, but then allow him to ask for what details seem important to him in order to fulfill the transparency.

Transparency isn't always about saying everything up front. But you should at least say enough that they know there is more if they wish to look for it.

Madmonk · M

Just be straight with him. If you don’t tell him he will assume you’ve had many. Me personally I stick to the don’t ask don’t tell policy. Sometimes though this information is important to people. Mi don’t know why however

laurieluvsit · 26-30, F

Your instincts are telling you what to do. Continue down that path.

Your girlfriend is not you.

Thank her for trying to be helpful and tell her that you will do what feels best for you.

The Golden Rule is to 'Treat Others as you want to be Treated'. She needs to follow that rule.

If she is being pushy and insistent that you follow her advice then I think you need a new friend ...just saying.

HootyTheNightOwl

You don't have much choice but to let him know that you were raped - preferably before the relationship becomes sexual. I wouldn't necessarily do it over the Internet, though, for me, it's an in person conversation.

It's possible that past trauma will come back in future relationships... it happens with me, so letting him know is a smart idea because you can then revisit the conversation and update him on any new triggers that emerge for you.

It's not fun to be getting down and dirty with someone and they suddenly freak out for no obvious reason (something else I have done, too). In my case, my partner knew and we were able to talk things through... but, imagine if he hadn't known and I was panicking and dissociating.

AngelUnforgiven · 51-55, F

Personally, and this is just me. I believe in being transparent. I'm an open book when it comes to relationships.You have to do what you feel comfortable with.

black4white · 56-60, M

Just say your past sexuality in those relationships are still private not only for you but the person you were in those with … you don’t need to go into detail unless YOU want to but ya know what benefits does it bring as you ARE transparent and being open
The next person don’t need to know how often you were sexual in your past unless YOU want to share that
There is also a point of respect of the person asking as it’s truly NOT there business unless YOU want it to be

TallMtnMedic · M

Wait until the topic comes up about sexual history. Hopefully itll be a while into your relationship.

My opinion is thats your past. Those experiences are what made you whom you are today.

eMortal · M

Don't. It's risky. If there are too many he might see you differently.

GohantheThird · M

Tell him, but only when you're ready and confident that the relationship is going to last.

Adogslife · 61-69, M

Sexual assault (at least attempted) and filming without consent, both show a lack of concern for you as a person and partner.

Break it off. It’s not going to get better. Apologies are irrelevant. Your past sexual exploits are as well.

DunningKruger · 61-69, M

You should tell him. How he reacts will tell you if you want to move forward with him or not.

hippyjoe1955 · 70-79, M

Somethings are better just kept private.

Sarah2bic · 31-35, FNew

Never allow any third party in your relationship… it ruins it entirely 💔

Moneyonmymind · 31-35, M

If it’s important to you I guess it doesn’t hurt to divulge it