Anxious
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Help Needed!

I feel my partner and I have drifted apart and I'm wondering if there is anything more to it than that on her part. I have already drafted a list of things I want to ask but I want to do it in a way that I can get the honest answers.
I am going to pre warn her and ask if she is ready to talk and whatever her answers are I will still treat her the same and do the things for her that I had promised (such as her tax return which she doesn't like doing) in the hope that this allows her to be honest.
The things I'm asking so far are:
How does she see our relationship
Has she been with or dated anybody else (the obvious one)

Does anybody have any ideas of what else to include or how to ask a specific question?
I don't want to upset her as she is a good person even if it does turn out she has been doing things I don't like.
dancingtongue · 80-89, M
Frame the questions about you and your feelings, rather than putting her on the spot. "I feel we have drifted apart. Is it just me, or do you feel so as well?" "Is there more I could be doing to make our relationship work?" "Anything you want to share with me?" Etc. Rather than asking are you having an affair, which comes across as an accusation and puts her on the defensive. Reassurance that you will be supportive regardless is good.
GeniUs · 56-60, M
So here it is:
She dropped into my house for a coffee when she finished work and we went to my bedroom and just lay on the bed talking, after about half an hour I asked the question, "are we a couple?"
"No, we're too different."
So let me put it in perspective, we do everything that couples do but we aren't a couple. We're not in a relationship, we're exclusive to each other sex wise which is about once a week we still do things for each other that really only couples do but we're just friends.
I have to say I was shocked to find out this was her view of it but she says she's not looking for anybody else.
I'm a relationship guy and this has been a bit of a shock to me, we still have a week or so of plans together nothing special just things I wouldn't do for anybody else, meals together that sort of thing.
I'm trying to think of the right word for how she came across- 'confidant' not really the word I'm looking for but she left with the same energy she arrived with.
10/10 needed to know but really puzzled about the answer.
Pinkstarburst · 51-55, F
@GeniUs Sex and relationships are two very different things. She was honest with you and now you know. Your next step is to decide if you want FWB, but since you’re emotionally, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Fact: You spent time with someone and now it’s over. Grieve and the. Move forward.
Pinkstarburst · 51-55, F
After reading all the comments on your post, it’s clear you are much more emotionally invested than she is and you already believe she is cheating. If so, there is no need for questions. She has distanced herself for more reasons than the dog. I think discussing with each other how you both define the relation is a good idea, but you may not like the answer she gives you.

It may be time to seriously consider that it’s over.
Quetzalcoatlus · 46-50, M
Go talk to a divorce lawyer, and start hiding money. You have to prepare for the worst.
GeniUs · 56-60, M
@dancingtongue It's ok I'm in the UK we don't have common law.
dancingtongue · 80-89, M
@GeniUs That's funny! Our entire legal system is rooted in British common law. I know what you mean. The semantics are just funny.
Wiseacre · F
@Quetzalcoatlus wow, how cynical!
Northwest · M
Why not simply sit down with her and ask where she thinks the relationship is going? Don't bring up other people. You're more likely to get the answers you're looking for.

If you think she might mislead you over the cost of doing her taxes, then you two have much bigger problems.
GeniUs · 56-60, M
One of the big things was she was invited to a wedding last weekend but I wasn't invited and she wasn't given a plus 1 but she didn't ask if I could go just told me she couldn't take me. To a lot of people this would be a massive red flag but knowing my partner as I do it's more of an amber flag; she just accepted that the guys getting married didn't want me there even though I know them and they have never said anything untoward to me.
Diotrephes · 70-79, M
@GeniUs It should be obvious to you that you no longer satisfy her needs and wants.

So, the best way to handle the situation is to tell her that you love her (and might even be in love with her) and that you want her to always be happy. And then say that since you can no longer satisfy her needs and wants that makes you sad and therefore to improve your own needs and wants you will end all contact with her and wish her well with a smile on your face. And then walk away.
brian29715 · 46-50, M
I wish you the best.
GeniUs · 56-60, M
@brian29715 Thanks Bri it's really bothering me, I've been dwelling on it for a while now and there never seems to be a good time to bring it up, (taking her car to the garage next week, doing her tax return, etc). And I don't want to bring it up as it may well just blast what we do have but she's doing more things without me which I think as her partner I should be included in. I have a feeling I'm just a FWB to her but I think I'm her partner, that might sound mad to a lot of guys but I'm the relationship and loyal sort.
Just my opinion....asking her if shes dated anyone else kinda implies that you think she may have been cheating....js🤷‍♀

Id try and keep the questions positive.

Id try and come at that youre worried that youre drifting apart. ...and ask her how she feels.

Be gentle.

Ask her if she feels she need more or what she might need to feel closer.

If you make the questions too abrupt, they might hurt her feelings and feel judged.


Maybe see a counselor for ideas.....or together?

Tell her your worries about wanting to be closer ....about your fears that you're drifting apart and that you love her and want to be what she needs and wants.


Tread softly.
GeniUs · 56-60, M
@OogieBoogie Again it's not that straight forward, she brought a puppy into the house and as it grew up it started getting over protective of her so it started threatening me (for no real reason) and a decision had to be made, she loves her animals and wasn't about to give it up so she moved out.
@GeniUs okay.
Elisbch · M
@OogieBoogie & @GeniUs


I hate to say this but I not only agree with everything what @OogieBoogie has said, but from experience, this is usually the way it is when a woman moves out (regardless of the dog). She may be trying to let you down gently while still holding on to some of the perks that you provided ( tax returns, car Etc). She's probably hoping you'll catch on and it'll be an easy escape for her. Not knowing your partner, if you press her for answers, you may not like how or what she answers with. (imho).
Good luck but be prepared to see the door shut on you just in case.
uncalled4 · 56-60, M
First of all, be ready for the answers, and if she has stepped out on you, what will you do?

I think most relationship come down to what you need from each other, so be sure you both say what it is you need. I will be doing this myself soon.
GeniUs · 56-60, M
@uncalled4 Unfaithfulness is a deal breaker for me but I would want to stay as friends. It's weird, as an X gen guy I find it hard telling her I love her but I do having said that you can't let somebody cheat as it just sets you up for a lot of heartache.
(Asking her what she needs is a good point, I might start with that).
uncalled4 · 56-60, M
@GeniUs Ask about your needs too. Never had an issue with the L word, but that's me. I also don't stay friends with exes; I have platonic women friends for that. But everyone swims differently.
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