I'm at a loss as to why you are still in the relationship. That sounds harsh but you sound like a very unhappy family.

This where your marriage vows count, and unfortunately it's fallen to you to do the heavy lifting where your wife and your relationship is concerned. Not enough people take their oaths seriously enough, and persevere as you are doing, so credit to you for that. I empathise with you and its likely that her phone is feeding her paranoia, as the algorithms will keep pushing her fears at her as she scrolls down the screen. Is there any way you can limit her time on it and replace it with family activity? It'll take time and she'll fight the attempt, but you have to start making changes to her routine in order to improve her life. That won't be control, you're her husband and you've identified a serious issue that's wrecking your marriage and your life.

Have you tried counseling for yourself? If she won’t go, this would be something to consider you your own wellness. Loving a person with depression isn’t for the faint of heart. I know this because I’m the one who survives it everyday. Therapy may help you unpack your thoughts and get help making hard decisions for both you and her.

When I was going through depression, my husband turned out my therapist.

Everyone has fears and phobias ( your wife )
With all of those fears and phobias your wife has and looking at it from the outside and in my case I done it myself you be trying to get everything right on the outside and fix something on the inside ( your soul ) .
The depression comes and back to me in my case is failing . All the depression is comes from that thinking and you be trying to sort everything out from the outside .
I give you credit where there's credit due with yourself you seen to come across a very stable man . A good husband .
Your frustration is coming from doing everything and with your wife depressed your good enough failed .
That puts a strain in relationships.
Why ?
After awhile without you known it you start personalize everything . It's another form of hurting yourself making it out that your good enough is not good enough .
You end up personalizing especially being in a relationship for a long time .
It seems your wife is depressed and your in a lot of pain .
I can relate to that about a relationship and my biggest regrets up to this day was that there was no connection no more cause there was no communication with both of us and it ended being toxic . I knew it was going toxic but I was afraid to say it and I ended up in a lot of pain .
I couldn't let go cause I loved her too much and I couldn't do anything to sort it out cause she stopped talking to sort it out .
See the relationship has to work 50 - 50 or else the pack of cards will fall .
You seem a great man 😊

This is good. You seem to feel really really horrified by the situation and that's good. However, this is your life with your kids and your wife. In my opinion, get a therapist who can act as a second opinion to at least help you chart out your own feelings on it. Having your entire life ripped apart by someone else, which is what it looks like to me, makes looking at the hard truths and acknowledging them and feelings on them very hard without someone to give you that feedback. Or a friend can help too.

This woman is not in the list of things you can control, but you can state how you feel. If that's hard, have a therapist verify with you before hand. Depending on her response... Start planning out what to do. I hate shouting and people who shout so I would have dissolved that relationship pretty quick if it was shouting every day. My mental feeling is revulsion at people who raise their voices to get their point across.

You’re obviously in a very challenging situation in which there are no easy answers. Couple things crossed my mind. How does living this way affect the mental health of your children? Surely can’t be good for them. And seeing you sacrifice your life for them certainly does them no favors. What if anything could create a rock bottom for your wife? Right now she’s comfortable in her misery, it feels safe. And she faces no consequences for staying that way. No, you can’t change her behavior but you can change your own. You call threatening her with divorce dirty but I actually see that as an option worth considering. Could save lives, yours, your children’s and hopefully hers as right now it’s depression that’s calling the shots. And if there’s a bottom line here, it’s whose well being should be prioritized. In my book it’s those children.

I dated someone who was depressed for over three years. It was so draining. I loved her but the relationship deteriorated and I had to end it.

It’s not easy but u can take over. U take the kids u do the things that brings the yelling out of her. It’s more work but it makes things less stressful and more quiet. Her fears will disappear and u will become her Superman. Best of luck as the gloomy days with zero praise are abundant. But one good day in the bunch stands out more than no good days ever. Don’t give up and remember as men we here to put in work. Real men don’t complain n hold everything together. This is what younger generations will ridicule and never understand.

Has she had any help, Counselling?

I’m not into medication but changing diet can help, cut out processed foods, eat naturally and take iodine and Celtic sea salt which is full
Of minerals our body needs.

If she is truly going through depression ..you leaving won't help anyone ...not even you ..

Try talking to her in a way that is caring but not condescending ...
Find a way to work it out

Anti depressants is likely all she needs. It will take months but you’ll all be happier for it.

Right now u cant just think of ur wife well being, but ur children well being. If she is affecting them very negatively, you alr know what u need to do.

Be proud of what you are doing for the family.
Is there help for her?

Me too. I want to start over

You’re going to have to tell her she needs to get help. What good is it doing her just being on her phone and yelling at your kids.

She can’t just say that it won’t help without trying it. I know she’s depressed but she has to want to do better for at least her kids.

If you have already had a come to Jesus talk then there is no reason for you to stay and be miserable

Keep your chin up and hang on in there, she may have just lost her way a bit, try and chat as she may not see the wood for the trees ...

... it MAY be an idea to say it as it is and don't sugar coat it, as in:

"If you don't change, you will split this family apart"

{apologies, there are so many 'sayings' in my comment for such a small sized comment ... i counted SIX 🤭🤭🤭}