I am so tired of living with a depressed wife

She is sitting there browsing her phone. That is why she paused the TV series she watches every day for hours.
She woke up during the night and was on her phone until she took the children to school. Obviously shouting with them why they were not ready on time.
She is full of fears. She fears of the future, fears of the financial situation, the future of the children. She cannot stand if something is not the way she wants. Interestingly she has energy to shout and yell. Several times a day.

But I am tired. I am tired of working in multiple jobs. I am tired of doing a full time work and running my business in after hours. I am tired of being neglected and ignored. I am tired of being forgotten. I am tired of working on positivity with children after they flooded with negativity from their mother.
I am tired of life. This life.

She is sitting there. I am looking at her. I know somewhere below the surface there is that woman I loved. The one who was fun, intellectually exciting, full of energy and positivity. Even sexy, mind you. I have not seen that woman for more than 10 years.

Nothing I do can change her way. Well, it's not entirely true, because I really can make things worse if I wanted. But I can't do anything to improve the situation. The best I can do is to conserve it. But I don't want it. I want a new life. We learned in Biology you can start a new life whitout closing another. That is a lie.

You have to kill something first to start something new. You know what most people fear to become a criminal? The guilt. Not the legal consequences.
My wife is dependending on me. At the minimum, financially. I can't do it.

I lost this life. Maybe the next one will be luckier.

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twistedrope · 26-30, M

This is good. You seem to feel really really horrified by the situation and that's good. However, this is your life with your kids and your wife. In my opinion, get a therapist who can act as a second opinion to at least help you chart out your own feelings on it. Having your entire life ripped apart by someone else, which is what it looks like to me, makes looking at the hard truths and acknowledging them and feelings on them very hard without someone to give you that feedback. Or a friend can help too.

This woman is not in the list of things you can control, but you can state how you feel. If that's hard, have a therapist verify with you before hand. Depending on her response... Start planning out what to do. I hate shouting and people who shout so I would have dissolved that relationship pretty quick if it was shouting every day. My mental feeling is revulsion at people who raise their voices to get their point across.

justanotherone · 51-55, M

@twistedrope there are things I could work with a therapist for sure. I come from a childhood with alcoholic father and abused mother. I always try to avoid conflicts, confrontation. And it’s really difficult for me to see a woman crying. I usually suffer more than her.
If you add these to the above problems you might say I have to fix myself first.
But beyond the normal resistance from me there is one more thing in the mix. I work 10-12 hours a day. Every day except weekends. That takes a big toll on my energy level and willingness to seek help. And even if it would be for me it would be a lot of fighting why there is a need for therapist.

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justanotherone · 51-55, M

@twistedrope thank you. This means a lot.