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why do some men last longer in bed than others?

kind of an awkward question but i just watched that scene from “you” on netflix when joe only lasts 8 seconds but obviously he’s really obsessed with the girl and i’ve had some guys last 30 mins and some last 30 seconds. i suppose alcohol could affect how long someone lasts too?
Northwest · M
Sex is about the couple interaction, their communications level and what they each want out of the experience. Sexual health has been high on my list. It's part of why we breathe, eat, drink and love. I've taken seminars, read many books, and participated in out of town workshops.

I read Health Magazine on regular basis, and here's what they have to say:

1. Biofeedback

Biofeedback is a process to retrain your brain and is used in a few different therapeutic areas. When it comes to premature ejaculation, biofeedback involves measuring electrical signals in the brain during masturbation or other forms of stimulation.

If you want to try biofeedback, you’ll need to visit a physical therapist or doctor’s office that specializes in or has experience with the technique. They will use the measurements to help guide you in performing visualizations, exercises, or other techniques to help you last longer during sex.

Dr. Philip Werthman, urologist and director of the Center for Male Reproductive Medicine and Vasectomy Reversal in Los Angeles, CA, says this is a viable solution for some people.

2. Edging

Edging is the non-medical version of biofeedback. With edging, you masturbate to bring yourself to just about ejaculation (or the “edge”) and then stop all stimulating activity.

The idea is for you to become comfortable and knowledgeable about your sexual arousal so you can prevent unintended ejaculation.

Edging may also enhance your sexual experience once you do ejaculate.

3. Pelvic floor exercises

Your pelvic floor muscles help support both your bladder and ejaculation. Exercises that help strengthen this muscle group may help improveTrusted Source your ability to delay ejaculation.

According to Dr. Christopher Asandra, chief medical officer at NuMale Medical Center, Kegel exercises may be able to help people with penises as much as they do people with vulvas. But they require a consistent commitment. They work by strengthening the pubococcygeus muscle.

“To do Kegel exercises, flex the same muscle you would use to stop the flow of urine,” he said. “Clench this muscle for 10 seconds, then release, aiming for at least three sets of 10 reps each day.”

4. Desensitizers

Desensitizing creams, gels, and other products work to lessen the sensations in your penis.

These products may also affect your sexual partner, so be sure to wipe or clean off the product from the penis before stimulation.

Asandra says there’s one product he recommends, called Promescent, that absorbs well enough so your partner isn’t affected.

Before you use a desensitizer, it’s important to note that these products typically contain local anesthetics, which can prove dangerous if used too frequently or in excess.

Always follow the recommendations on the product, or better yet, consult with a doctor before use.

5. Adult circumcision

Adult circumcision, or the removal of the foreskin, may also be an option.

A 2015 study showed promising results for people who got circumcised. They noted that many of the people in the study found an increased control over when they orgasm or a positive effect on premature ejaculation once circumcised.

Consulting a doctor with experience in circumcisions may help you decide if this method is right for you.

6. Masturbation

Masturbation may help with preventing premature ejaculation. If you masturbate shortly before partner sex, you may find that you can delay ejaculation during partner play.

You also might find that you can use masturbation as a therapeutic massage. According to a small 2019Trusted Source study, researchers found that penis-root masturbation may help you delay ejaculation.

They found that stimulating the root of the penis until ready to ejaculate and then backing off helped to increase the time it took to ejaculate during penetrative sex.

To perform penis-root masturbation, place both thumbs near the base of your penis and rub both in a circular motion or up and down. You need to continue the motion until you are just about to ejaculate and then back off.

7. Find your optimal weight

Maintaining a moderate weight may improve your performance in bed.

According to a 2017Trusted Source study, researchers found that people with three or more of the following conditions have an increased likelihood of premature ejaculation:

high blood pressure
low levels of “good” cholesterol
waist circumference of 40 or more inches
elevated blood sugar levels
elevated blood triglycerides

“We know that obesity, high blood pressure, and diabetes are major causes of erectile dysfunction, so treating the underlying problem may be beneficial,” said Werthman.

8. Change up your diet

Certain dietary changes may also help you delay ejaculation.

According to Werthman, some specific foods may increase the amount of free testosterone in your body, which is necessary for healthy erectile function.

“Certain foods, like fenugreek (an herb), can increase free testosterone,” he said. “As a matter of fact, fenugreek is the source of the compounds called Testofen, found in many over-the-counter supplements.”

Note: An increase in free testosterone does not definitively correlate to lasting longer in bed (or “longer ejaculatory latency”), so this method may not prove as fruitful as others.

As with any dietary change, it’s a good idea to run your decision by your doctor first, as they may know if any specific herbs or supplements could interact with medications you’re already taking.

9. Wait longer before penetration or skip it altogether

You may think of penile-vaginal or penile-anal sex as your ultimate goal when you start to become intimate with your partner — but rushing to the goal may be part of the problem.

If you find you prematurely ejaculate when engaging in penetrative sex, focusing on other activities, like oral sex or sensual touch, may help.

You also may want to skip penis-in-vagina sex altogether. According to a 2017 study, about 18% of women experience orgasm from penetration. The rest needed direct clitoris stimulation to orgasm, which means other sexual activities may help both you and your partner feel satisfied.

10. Squeeze technique

The squeeze technique may help you prevent ejaculation when simply stopping stimulation will no longer work.

To perform this technique, you need to:

discontinue manual stimulation or withdraw your penis from your partner
use your hand to apply firm pressure to the tip of your penis
return to sexual activity when the need to ejaculate passes
You can do this once or several times during sexual activity to help delay ejaculation.

If you plan to do this during partner sex, let them know what you’re doing. You may also want to figure out additional ways to stimulate them so they remain aroused.

11. Stay in the moment

You may have heard friends or others talking about focusing on non-sexual things to prevent ejaculation or orgasm.

Instead, Amanda Holmberg, LMFT, clinic director at the Sexual Wellness Institute, suggests you should “stay present in the moment with your body.”

“This will help you decide what you need,” she said. “Maybe you need to go a little slower; maybe you need to take a little bit of a break completely… you can’t do any of that if you’re thinking about baseball stats.”

In other words, staying focused on the task may help you find the solution to managing premature ejaculation.

12. Watch your arousal level going into partner sex

As part of being more in tune with your body, you should consider how aroused you’re going into sex.

“If you are trying to last longer during penetrative sex, don’t penetrate at a higher arousal level,” Holmberg said. “This is not setting you up for success. Penetrate at a medium arousal level to give yourself some room to grow and enjoy the pleasure.”

If you’re overly aroused when you start being intimate, your chances of premature ejaculation increase greatly.

13. Use condoms

Condoms can help desensitize the penis. If your usual brand isn’t making a difference, you could try desensitizing condoms.

Desensitizing condoms often contain extra material or some of the ingredients in desensitizing sprays and creams.

As an added benefit, condoms remain one of the best ways to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections and unintended pregnancy.

14. Reevaluate your medications

In certain cases, antidepressant medications known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) can sometimes be used to treat premature ejaculation, says Asandra.

“Medications like SSRIs, such as Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft, can delay orgasm in men, but they can also cause problems,” he explains. “These drugs take hours before they’re effective and can sometimes cause unwanted side effects like dizziness, drowsiness, erectile dysfunction, and decreased libido.”

While a 2016 studyTrusted Source found that most of the antidepressants had either limited effect or not enough evidence to support their use for premature ejaculation, other studies have shown some benefits.

A 2019 reviewTrusted Source of studies featuring Paroxetine, an SSRI, as a treatment for premature ejaculation found that the drug performed better than placebo and had relatively mild side effects.

Because the research around using SSRIs to treat premature ejaculation is mixed, and side effects can occur, if you’re working with a doctor to treat this condition, medication may be one of your last options to try.

15. Switch up your position

If all else fails, you can try switching up the position you’re in. This can be enjoyable, confidence-boosting, and informative.

For example, you may find that having your partner on top may help with reducing stimulation. You can experiment until you find a position that helps prolong your climax and provides pleasure for your partner.
Rudboy41 · 41-45, M
As a guy my "staying power" is due to to either mental control or physical control or a combination of the two, the keyword being control, i.e being aware of how my body is reacting in the moment during intercourse and being in touch with my body's sensations and reactions and my level of excitment.

Which helped me gauge how far or near i was to orgasm. Ive never lasted very long if i lost myself in the moment and just let the motions take me( the penis is designed to reach orgasm and doesnt have a concept of time or consideration for its vagina partner)

A more physical game of control involved paying attention to my sensitivity during the act and either slowing down or stopping for a bit and doing something else oral, fingering etc(if i didnt want to orgasm too soon)

A more mental game involved almost meditating during sex, concentrating on my breathing etc. To reach a mental space of detachment, detaching mentally so that i didnt get lost in the moment

So sex has lasted anything between 7 to 30min. The times i was most likely to finish too soon was when i had not had sex in a while and got lost in the moment "wow im actually having sex again woohoo!....aaaand i'm done... Whaap.

Ive also tried tantric sex which is the longest ive lasted (40 min) and it was pretty much a meditation with very slow calculated movements and deep breathing and visialisations etc, my partner almost fell asleep at the end it was more relaxing than exciting, lol.
Lilyb · 22-25, F
Maybe Joe was a rodeo cowboy! All they need is to stay on for 8 seconds!
DownTheStreet · 51-55, M
Some guys have better control than others, but my experience is that it can be situational and no two pussys are quite alike. Some I could pound forever while others are take a lot of concentration to last just a little while.
MrAverage1965 · 61-69, M
Alcohol certainly makes a difference for me if I have had a lot to drink I can last much longer. Also if there is a real connection and you have built up slowly to the moment there is a possibility things will be over quickly.
Or pot for that matter. In my experience, pot has always been a contributing factor. You feel like a horse being ridden in a rodeo
Camelia · F
My boyfriend and I both have a high sexual appetite and can go all night, so it's a good thing "we found each other." We jokingly profess.
wudifu · 46-50, M
Yes and age and a diet and obviously how often he gets a release and how fit or unfit he is also plays a roll
Tonydang · M
I suppose some guys are more sensitive than others but I don’t think I would like 30 minutes I’d prefer shorter periods but multiple times
JimboSaturn · 51-55, M
When I did actually have sex lol, I would cum quickly but I could stay hard for another orgasm. That usually gave me time for the woman.
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hollyyoung · 18-21, F
@Mmiker obviously longer
DunningKruger · 61-69, M
General health and fitness, plus water intake and the like.
It’s my essence Mandrake
Kenworth4954 · 56-60, M
All depends on the poon tang bby
jackson55 · M
Metalbarbie · 22-25, F

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