I'm an extrovert with social anxiety

And I was going to a music event tomorrow. But my anxiety has been so strong I haven't been able to sleep, I hear my pulse galloping and my head is spinning. I jump at every little sound.

My therapist said it's only accurate that I get these extreme fear reactions to public events since my life has convinced me that people will hurt me. It's what happens after trauma.

I have vented to my partner but he is tired it's late and he wanna sleep. I feel like a burden. But I can't lay down and try to sleep I just get faster and faster pulse and I start hearing things that isn't even there.

The only thing I know helps when there's no one to listen to me is venting and writing all my feelings and thoughts out. It's like I can let it go afterwards. I can release myself from the iron fists of my mental illness for a moment.

Not the best start of the weekend. But I don't wanna dissapoint myself and cancel just because it's difficult. I wanna overpower my own fears and trauma reactions.

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SW-User Best Comment

You're braver and stronger than you think, lady. You got this. And even if you don't, there's no shame in that either.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@SW-User Thank you 😭,I really needed the last sentence cause I can be quiet a yerk to myself.

WaryWitchWandering · 36-40, F

@Queendragonfly Try to be patient with yourself when you’re struggling, like you would a child/loved one struggling.

It’s ok.

I can relate, I have an inner voice that bullies me too at times. I don’t like feeling like I’ve lost control of my feelings, or that they are getting in the way. But I’d rather have big feels than not feel at all.

I hope you were able to go and enjoy, I often build shit up in my head (gatherings/parties/etc) and wanna cancel so bad… but when I push through; 9 times out of 10 I’m glad I did

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@WaryWitchWandering Thank you. ❤️
I know with social anxiety it's like a bully in the head,but that's the thing, for me it's not thoughts. So it's not social anxiety disorder. It's CPTSD with a type of social fear.

All I sense is instant fear reactions in my body and I can't stop it. Unless I have anxiety medication. It's the only thing that works.

Juvia · 22-25, F

You'll get there eventually.
I was there once before too.

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Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Juvia It's ok. It's not you who've put me in this situation I just think it triggered people who judge me thinking
I do nothing to improve.

When truth is I do too much too improve. I've been told to let go and stop be so hard on my self. Because I thought if I read enough self help books, if I go therapy long enough, if I do enough CBT practices if I spend all my time on studying my own demons and challenge my self enough, it will heal me. But it doesn't. I can't do anything to heal me in this situation, and it sucks.

Juvia · 22-25, F

@Queendragonfly I understand that, people can be very pushy also about it for whatever reason and also harsh about it. I guess I consider that you've improved or will get better as in you're managing and coping and probably finding even more ways to cope along the way because that's kind of all you can do with PTSD. Plus it changes your brain permanently too I guess. I'm rooting for you. 😊

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Juvia Thanks ❤️

Cptsd covers several part of the brain and keep the normal parts deactivated more or less. Ptsd is curable. Cptsd in general usually isn't.

Ferric67 · M

There's a music festival by where I am this weekend too.
I've been to it before, it's fun.
I actually like events where I don't know anybody.
It's ok to ignore them all.

Renaci · 36-40

I feel this. My social anxiety has gotten worse over the years. And sometimes I am def more hyper vigilant than others. Like I have to practice confrontation a lot.
So try to think of this as an opportunity to use exposure and response prevention therapy. Also if you have something to help calm you def try it to see if you can sleep.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Renaci Yes mine too! And confronting it hasn't changed anything. Maybe for the moment I feel stronger but I've faced my fears for several years and it isn't getting better. My therapist says I will probably live with this struggle my whole life. It's a part of my complex PTSD.

I have anxiety meds but I take it very easy with them and try to make it without them. Often times I don't take them when I really need them cause I save them for a day when it's worse than it is in that moment.

The irony.

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