I'm an extrovert with social anxiety

And I was going to a music event tomorrow. But my anxiety has been so strong I haven't been able to sleep, I hear my pulse galloping and my head is spinning. I jump at every little sound.

My therapist said it's only accurate that I get these extreme fear reactions to public events since my life has convinced me that people will hurt me. It's what happens after trauma.

I have vented to my partner but he is tired it's late and he wanna sleep. I feel like a burden. But I can't lay down and try to sleep I just get faster and faster pulse and I start hearing things that isn't even there.

The only thing I know helps when there's no one to listen to me is venting and writing all my feelings and thoughts out. It's like I can let it go afterwards. I can release myself from the iron fists of my mental illness for a moment.

Not the best start of the weekend. But I don't wanna dissapoint myself and cancel just because it's difficult. I wanna overpower my own fears and trauma reactions.

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Juvia · 22-25, F

You'll get there eventually.
I was there once before too.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Juvia Not that simple. I've been warned from professionals all my life that I will not be cured from this.

Juvia · 22-25, F

@Queendragonfly Def no cure, but I guess I'm only mentioning myself cause I thought it was a lost cause after 14 years of abuse(basically most my life). But it does get better and eventually it doesn't bother you as much. Esp if you have PTSD or something.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Juvia I've tried to overcome this for 17 years or longer and it's not getting better and my therapist told me that's because of my Complex PTSD. Complex PTSD is quite different from PTSD. It's chronic and the symptoms are severe and more intense and you live with them for life.

Juvia · 22-25, F

@Queendragonfly Is what my therapist said about mine, tho there is no official diagnosis for complex PTSD if I remember. Unless it changed now, which they should put it in the dsm in that case. Everyone is different, and sometimes you need more or less therapy. I just hope it gets better for you in that case.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Juvia I know it won't get better. That's what I've tried to explain to you. However I can get better at accepting and coping with it.

Juvia · 22-25, F

@Queendragonfly accepting and coping is the getting better

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Juvia I am 15 years older than you. Meaning I have had this disability 15 years more than you and during which it hasn't improved.

So you come off a bit condescending to claim it gets better for me. If you got better on just a few years you obviously have a less complex PTSD. Especially if your therapists have told you it will get better and it did. I've been told by doctors, psychiatrists, psychotherapists since I was 16 that my disability will stay til I die. It's terminal. And that's what I have to prepare for. Do you understand the difference?

Juvia · 22-25, F

@Queendragonfly I'm sorry you're hurting really bad and didn't mean to rub you the wrong way. It's not something you can or should compare and I'm sorry if I came off that way.

Juvia · 22-25, F

@Queendragonfly I guess I was hoping maybe some positivity would help but Im sorry if I went where I shouldn't have

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Juvia To accept my disability is to be positive. To expect something unrealistic of myself or life is just cruel because it's not my fault that I have this permanent disability. It's taken me hell and back to realize that. And to let go.

As younger I actually got angry at all Proffessionals who told me I'll be sick for the rest of my life. "How DARE they?!" but struggling with this for 20 years soon has showed me that they were right. They had already forseen the complexity of my situation and wanted to prepare me. I just didn't see it back then.

Juvia · 22-25, F

@Queendragonfly Yeah, I understand where you're coming from. I kind of stuck my nose where it doesn't belong.
You seem like you're doing good in your own way tho tbh. At least you're taking care of yourself and trying.

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Juvia Thanks for the gift🌹🌹
I'm always fighting to cope and try to live as fully as I can balanced with accepting what I can't control or change. I will keep challenge myself 🌹I'm happy you got better, that's the ideal situation. I'm better in less triggers. A better tolerance window.

But my social anxiety it has just gotten worse over time. Despite me putting myself out there. And my old therapist didn't know why it happened, or how to help me with that. My new one knows the complexity of it and is willing to work on my core beliefs, self esteem etc but he also warned me that I will have this struggle for the rest of my life....

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Juvia It's ok. It's not you who've put me in this situation I just think it triggered people who judge me thinking
I do nothing to improve.

When truth is I do too much too improve. I've been told to let go and stop be so hard on my self. Because I thought if I read enough self help books, if I go therapy long enough, if I do enough CBT practices if I spend all my time on studying my own demons and challenge my self enough, it will heal me. But it doesn't. I can't do anything to heal me in this situation, and it sucks.

Juvia · 22-25, F

@Queendragonfly I understand that, people can be very pushy also about it for whatever reason and also harsh about it. I guess I consider that you've improved or will get better as in you're managing and coping and probably finding even more ways to cope along the way because that's kind of all you can do with PTSD. Plus it changes your brain permanently too I guess. I'm rooting for you. 😊

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@Juvia Thanks ❤️

Cptsd covers several part of the brain and keep the normal parts deactivated more or less. Ptsd is curable. Cptsd in general usually isn't.