please be kind. i just need support and advice- i’m… i’m so torn & hurting so bad right now. please help.

i honestly don’t even know if anyone is going to read all of this, but i just need to get it off my chest because i feel like i’m carrying so much right now and i don’t know what else to do.

i’m at the point (and honestly, ryan would probably agree) where it feels like we’re only still in a relationship because of our daughter. she is five months old, and when i tell you things have gotten so bad lately, i mean REALLY bad. it feels like we do nothing but fight, scream at each other, argue over everything, and things have gotten to the point where things are being thrown. this isn’t the kind of relationship or environment i ever imagined raising my baby in.

i’m exhausted. i’m emotionally drained. i’m hurt. and i’m so tired of fighting with someone i once thought i’d build my entire life with.
but then there’s our daughter, and that’s where everything becomes even harder.

i don’t want my girl to grow up in a home where she constantly sees her parents fighting. i don’t want her to think that screaming and anger are what love is supposed to look like. i want her to grow up surrounded by peace, love, stability, and parents who genuinely care about each other and about her.

but at the same time, the thought of leaving absolutely breaks my heart because i don’t want a “broken home” for her either. i don’t want to have to split holidays. i don’t want to miss birthdays. i don’t want to wake up and realize she isn’t here because she’s with her dad. i don’t want to have to share custody of my baby. the thought of only having her half the time absolutely devastates me, especially when she’s still so little. she’s still my tiny baby, and i just want to be there for every little moment.

i feel completely stuck between wanting to protect her from the constant fighting and being terrified of what life would look like if we actually separated.

and honestly, i’m not okay. i’m so broken and upset and depressed that i barely feel like myself anymore. i can’t eat right. i can’t sleep. my mind never shuts off. i’m constantly thinking about what’s best for her, what’s best for us, and whether there’s even a way to fix this anymore.

i’m tired of fighting. i’m tired of crying. i’m tired of feeling like our home is constantly filled with tension. i’m tired of wondering whether tomorrow will be another horrible day.

i don’t want sympathy or for anyone to pick sides. i just needed somewhere to say what i’ve been holding inside because pretending everything is okay has become exhausting.

i love my daughter more than anything in this world, and every decision i make is going to come back to one question: what is going to give her the safest, happiest, healthiest life possible?

i just wish i knew what the right answer was. 💔