The guilt and struggle I deal with

If I got on the bus she would still be alive.

But there are so many things that lead to why I has having a bad day.

I was hungry
I was in pain
I was tired
I was thirsty
I had to go to the restroom so bad.

All of these reasons where because of my mother.

She wouldn't let me eat breakfast
She didn't give me a drink water
She hit me many times before I went to school.
My tics and outbursts where so bad

But still all I had to do was stay calm enough to get on the bus and I couldn't.

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kodiac · 22-25, M

Guilt can be paralyzing, and usually we really aren't to blame . I dealt with true evil growing up . But at 10 years old should i have been worried more about others that would be hurt later on ? I kept quite because i didn't know what else to do . Then years later when everything came out i found out that many many kids got abused, if i had spoken up all of them would have been spared what happened to me . Do i feel guily ? Yes was it my fault ? No

Cigarguy · 41-45, M

@kodiac I just should have gotten on the bus......

YoMomma ·

It’s your cruel mother’s fault obviously.. don't blame yourself.. and very sorry for what happened to you all the time and what happened to your sister as well because of it.. but don't blame yourself.. you were only a child

Cigarguy · 41-45, M

@YoMomma I know and I'm working hard on this. One day at a time right

YoMomma ·

@Cigarguy yeah it takes time to understand deeply fucked up situations sometimes .. I'm very sorry all that happened to you and her and that your mom is such a piece of work 😳 i could about go give her a lecture 😤

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Miram · 31-35, F

I am sorry you lost your sister.

I did too.

4meAndyou · F

I am sorry I missed this post. BUT...it makes me ANGRY that your stinking C word of a mother's voice is still in your head, TELLING you that if you got on the bus your sister would still be alive.

When in fact, she didn't allow you to eat breakfast, she didn't allow you time to go to the bathroom, she didn't give you any water...and every single thing that happened that day was HER FAULT.

Of course that abusive C word blamed YOU. She didn't have enough humanity in her to even REALIZE that it was SHE who caused EVERYTHING that day.

Cigarguy · 41-45, M

@4meAndyou on good days I agree with everything you on bad days it's not as easy

4meAndyou · F

@Cigarguy On bad days, I want you to repeat after me..."It was the C word's fault. It was all the C word's fault."

Poppies · 61-69, F

You were a child with problems out of your control

Cigarguy · 41-45, M

@Poppies today was the first time I have ever believed that my mother was what lead to my sister's death. It was a big step for me. But I'm trying to get to there. I just wish I could of gotten on the bus

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