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I’m so exhausted by life.

I don’t really care about my birthday, but Friday was the first one I had without my dad. He would usually call me way too early in the morning and sing happy birthday to me and tell me he loves me.

Instead, I spent my birthday putting his cat, Kiwi, to sleep. She was literally the only thing of his that we have. After he died, we went to his apartment to clean it out and there was nothing. Clothes and filth and this sweet little cat.

She had respiratory issues that we weren’t able to diagnose no matter what tests we did. She had been getting worse recently, and was in a lot of distress on Friday. My sister and I decided to end her suffering, and we were with her in the end. Just like with my dad.

I’ve dealt with so much death and grief this year. My dad, my grandmother, my aunt, Kiwi. The constant pain of loss is becoming unbearable. I don’t understand why so many things have gone wrong in my life - why I’ve had to suffer so much. I can’t remember the last time I felt true happiness. I’m not sure I ever really have.

I wish my dad was here to hug me.
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Jayciedubb · 56-60, M
Im sorry for your loss. If there's a silver lining in all the loss, I think it might be strength. You might not ever notice, and that might be a good thing. It could mean you're truly humble. Strong, humble people are highly revered in most or maybe all societies. It's possible that good things will be within your grasp as you continue to negotiate This Thing Called Life on this rock hurling through space, things that may not have been possible without first experiencing all this loss.

If it helps, whether you're of any certain faith or not, it's a scientific, natural fact that life is energy. There's a law in physics called the Conservation Of Energy. It states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. ..it just keeps changing forms. So in case you had any questions about it, it's safe to believe their energy continues to energize and if you believe in Heaven, you can find comfort knowing they're in good hands and you will all be reunited one day, and even if that day is a hundred years away, or even a thousand, compared to eternity, even a million years is just a drop in the bucket

Be patient and do your best and you'll see that everything is going to be ok. ..as far as happiness goes, I totally understand how you feel about it. I feel the same way. It could be that happiness lies in its pursuit. It's like hunting where the thrill is in the chase, not the kill. We focus on the kill because that's the goal, but it marks the end of the problem solving adventure full of challenges. ..Hunting is just a black n white metaphor.

Have you ever taken the MBTI personality test. It's free on many different sites. If you haven't, maybe you should look into it. If you're totally honest with your answers to very vague questions, when you're done, they basically give you your owner's manual. It helps to see it all laid out and uncanny how accurate it is.

Finally, if there were no bad days, could there be any good days? It's the contrast between the two that gives each its power. Like i said, be patient...

🕊☮✌
MarkPaul · 26-30, M
You have your memories of your dad's love and that's no small thing. Cherish them. Those will last.
I'm so sorry. Grief is stifling. One of the heaviest things to sit with. Especially the extent you've experienced. I'm experiencing grief rn too and it hits hard out of nowhere. You suddenly remember them even in moments that don't feel clearly connected. It's a loop. But we try. Just trying to build around it. Although it hurts more than anything. I hope you can honour him in whatever ways feels right💙
samueltyler2 · 80-89, M
I send you my substitute hug.
BluntSm0ker · 100+, M
Happy belated bday, life is a whole ups n downs *peni$ hugs*
Isa3682 · 46-50, F
You dad loves you and he would want to see you happy. I know it is so hard and you feel left behind. I wish you all good things and that you can think of your dad and smile because he was a great person who still loves you.
Baybreeze · 41-45, F
I lost my dad too..it truly sucks. You wonder why can't life last longer, if God is omniscient? And why does anyone need to suffer ?? Im sorry of your dad😕 how old was he? My dad was diagnosed with aggressive cancer in January this year, Lymphoma , and passed in February. It was so sudden. I hope they are both (your dad and mine) in peace 🕊
itsnotme2 · 46-50, M
Death comes with life my friend. Death is the only truth in our life
LifeVoice101 · 41-45, M
I can empathize in different ways. There have been years of life where nothing could or ever would be good. I’m in another state of my life where things just feel like there hanging in the balance. I would wanna say that things get better but sometimes they don’t. There is a type of peace that will bring you through. Just know that you’re not alone in what you are undergoing.
I'm very sorry for your losses ....I hope in some way you will find peace in all this ..
graceyyy · New
I’m so sorry for all the tragedies you’ve had to deal with. I cannot imagine the toll the compounded grief would take on you.

Hugs from an internet stranger.

 
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