I find my life worthless.

@Luckylu The thing is, the more I think about life, the more it seems to be worthless living. I have no intentions of killing myself now. When I become tired, then that's when I'll try to kill myself. I'm only living until I grow tired.
I have a feeling that in a year or two, I'll be able to find what I'm searching for. After that, I'll see if it is worth having. If not, then what's left is there to live for? Why keep on living when you're finished? Some people finish early, some people finish on time.

@Xalvadora I do understand. You have to find what gives you meaning. Sometimes I think I have then something happens that makes me doubt and feel like you do. I have lived long enough to know, I survive those periods and I do so because of my daughter. She isn’t the reason I’m here, but she is what makes me want to fight for my life. The question is, are you living your life for you, or are you living your life the way other people expect you to live it? I decided to challenge the things I was raised to believe and come to my own conclusion and understanding, I am still learning but freeing myself from what I was groomed to be has freed me to live my life the way I need to. I used to feel guilty over doing this but I no longer do. I no longer wake up dreading the world. I wake up and I now live my day the way I want to. I’m not finished living. I was once told it wasn’t my time yet. Now I see why I was told that. I had to find my own way in this life and I was able to do that with people who support me in being who I AM and not what other think I am. Live for you. My daughter may make me want to fight for my life but she is not my life. My life is finding those things that bring me joy and finding ways to bring them into my life. I hope you find what you are searching for. Don’t give up searching. It just might take a while for you to discover what it is. It took me 50 years to figure out I’ve been a writer my whole life and I was not embracing it. Now I am and I am loving life. I hope you will find your way to loving your life too.

@Luckylu The thing is, I still can't seem to find what's good living is. Yes, I do want a kid or two in the future, but I also don't feel like I can actually live my life. You see, I am very limited to the resources I have here. It's hard getting a job for whatever reason; my record's clean. I was born and raised in a very small city that has nothing in it. I have my license, but I don't have a car. All I'm trying to do is to go to college to major in automotives so I could become a certified mechanic that'll hopefully make a lot of money fixing on expensive cars. I'm also trying to learn cyber security by myself because I also want to work for Apple as one of their Actors.
I didn't recently been diagnosed with depression. My diagnosis was a bit late (12), as I could have had developed depression when I was 9.
I'm trying to live my life, but there's nothing to do besides to be couped up in my apartment 7 days a week, with an irregular cycle of reading, playing video games, trying to study, sleep, eat, watch some movies or a TV show, and repeat. That's all the entertainment that I can get my hands on. I have friends, but they live in another city that's not too far from mine. I'm trying to live, but it's hard when you're stuck in the same cycle because there's literally nothing here to do for fun.

@Xalvadora fallen angels present themselves as different things; they are real and they have power

Even so, I have witnessed that the power of the God of Israel is absolute

He has cast out unclean spirits for me, his power is real, he is real, and nothing is hard for him

The occult is real also, but by the spirit of light one may cast out such darkness, for the light burns away the darkness

@Xalvadora p.s. I'm sorry about your bad church experiences

That's what turned a lot of people off from God -- not even God but people who claimed to live by his word and didn't

@th3r0n Maybe I don't want to believe the Christian god is real. He's nothing but a low-powered god who made his follows think that he's "The One & Only" god out there and also made his followers think that he's very powerful and that he created this Earth.
I'm not going to act like I know who created this Earth, because nobody knows.

@BlueVeins I just need some fun, that's all; just to take my mind off of my depression.

@Xalvadora so it's your life outside of college that causes this extreme thinking..

@in10RjFox I don't have a life outside of college.

@Xalvadora yeah .. that's what is causing you to think extremely..

Anyway I have messaged you..

@RedGrizzly I say all of that because I have to follow it myself. I've lived out several situations in agony that people may only experience maybe one, hardly two things in their lifetime that I had experienced in sometimes a year or several years. But I'm still alive here with the feeling of hopelessness buried in the back of mind...but a flicker of hope breathing for me...even when I don't want to some days. You're not alone, and there are more people like you and I still fighting the food fight.

I realize when dead i wont miss anything but I miss me now for when I am no more that is

@SW-User I actually find death exciting to face. I've discovered that it may peak my interest.