I find my life worthless.

I don't see the reason why I'm even alive. I'm only alive because I don't have the guts to kill myself. I can't do it even if I try.
I'm going to live until I become tired enough to end my own life. If I am killed before I can do that, then there's that.

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Luckylu · 61-69, F

You are stronger than you realize. It takes strength to keep living. It only takes knowledge to end your life. Ask yourself would you rather try and change what you don’t like in your life or never have the chance to try? There are at least a million and one ways to change but only one opportunity to end it. That last will always be there no matter what you do with your life. The former will never be there if you do the latter. Take one day at a time. Look at one thing you don’t like ask yourself what would you like instead of that thing you don’t? Start with an easy one. Make the change something fun. Don’t worry about what others might think and just do it. Once you see you can do one thing then then next won’t look as difficult as it did before. One thing at a time. Don’t rush it. Don’t give up. If the one thing you tried didn’t work then try something else. It is never too late to try but you have to want it in order to be successful. Do you want it?

Xalvadora · 18-21, F

@Luckylu The thing is, the more I think about life, the more it seems to be worthless living. I have no intentions of killing myself now. When I become tired, then that's when I'll try to kill myself. I'm only living until I grow tired.
I have a feeling that in a year or two, I'll be able to find what I'm searching for. After that, I'll see if it is worth having. If not, then what's left is there to live for? Why keep on living when you're finished? Some people finish early, some people finish on time.

Luckylu · 61-69, F

@Xalvadora I do understand. You have to find what gives you meaning. Sometimes I think I have then something happens that makes me doubt and feel like you do. I have lived long enough to know, I survive those periods and I do so because of my daughter. She isn’t the reason I’m here, but she is what makes me want to fight for my life. The question is, are you living your life for you, or are you living your life the way other people expect you to live it? I decided to challenge the things I was raised to believe and come to my own conclusion and understanding, I am still learning but freeing myself from what I was groomed to be has freed me to live my life the way I need to. I used to feel guilty over doing this but I no longer do. I no longer wake up dreading the world. I wake up and I now live my day the way I want to. I’m not finished living. I was once told it wasn’t my time yet. Now I see why I was told that. I had to find my own way in this life and I was able to do that with people who support me in being who I AM and not what other think I am. Live for you. My daughter may make me want to fight for my life but she is not my life. My life is finding those things that bring me joy and finding ways to bring them into my life. I hope you find what you are searching for. Don’t give up searching. It just might take a while for you to discover what it is. It took me 50 years to figure out I’ve been a writer my whole life and I was not embracing it. Now I am and I am loving life. I hope you will find your way to loving your life too.

Xalvadora · 18-21, F

@Luckylu The thing is, I still can't seem to find what's good living is. Yes, I do want a kid or two in the future, but I also don't feel like I can actually live my life. You see, I am very limited to the resources I have here. It's hard getting a job for whatever reason; my record's clean. I was born and raised in a very small city that has nothing in it. I have my license, but I don't have a car. All I'm trying to do is to go to college to major in automotives so I could become a certified mechanic that'll hopefully make a lot of money fixing on expensive cars. I'm also trying to learn cyber security by myself because I also want to work for Apple as one of their Actors.
I didn't recently been diagnosed with depression. My diagnosis was a bit late (12), as I could have had developed depression when I was 9.
I'm trying to live my life, but there's nothing to do besides to be couped up in my apartment 7 days a week, with an irregular cycle of reading, playing video games, trying to study, sleep, eat, watch some movies or a TV show, and repeat. That's all the entertainment that I can get my hands on. I have friends, but they live in another city that's not too far from mine. I'm trying to live, but it's hard when you're stuck in the same cycle because there's literally nothing here to do for fun.