Struggles & Identity

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Wasted my life entirely

I focused my life around raising my children. I had 4. It was complete.waste of time and I recommend people to avoid doing it.

I enjoyed looking after them up until roughly lock down so about 20 years. I did all the baking, knitting, church groups, took them to museums, beaches, Disney, helped with homework, cooked food from scratch that took hours and they didn't eat it and I thoroughly enjoyed it all.

Then lock down came. My 20 year old left his job at mercedes to sell weed, he had his own place a good job and now he has nothing. My 14 year old started smoking weed, she refused to go back to school after lockdown and now she's 16 she's a miserable, horrible girl who is wasting her life. My 18 year old is studying law and my 13 year old seems unscathed.

But overall I feel I wasted my life. It was absolutely pointless. A woman did say this to me before I had children. She said "I wish I didn't have children. If I could go back I wouldn't have any" and I thought she was mean and maybe depressed but now I think she has a point.

It's a waste of time. What's the point? Society is a waste, these children are miserable and stuck in this society that sucks and even if they seem like they're doing ok something comes along and it turns to mud.

It's also true that all baby animals are cute but human babies are not. Not a troll btw just a mother who can't take anymore name calling, bullying, ignorant, selfish behaviour in her life.

I had to get it out. I know people are going to feel how I felt when somebody said it to me, that I'm horrible or depressed but it's how I feel.

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AntisocialTroll · 56-60, F

And had it not been for the lockdown chances are your kids would've largely been okay, we forget I think just how hard is to be a teen in normal times, then the lockdown came and screwed up vast amounts of people.

You've got one studying law at uni so you've obviously done something right as a mother for that to have been possible.

Try not to give up your hopes for them and keep supporting them, they may yet surprise you.

nonsensiclesnail · F

I've had a number of times that I have felt very similar. Also a mother of 4 that wonder what the point is. at some point, our kids move on and make their own choices that are nothing like we think they should be making. It will be ok. Their lives will continue to change as well as yours.

Elisbch · M

This kind of story and feelings doesn't surprise me at all. When I was growing up my father didn't want my mother to work. He didn't want children really but she did so she had me and my sister. Looking back I see that all that time she had from not having a real job to taking care of us was her job and there wasn't really much anything she didn't do. She took that job on and did the best she could. I don't think any child turns out exactly the way parents want them to. I know myself and my sister did not LOL. But we turned out okay and had our own lives. Your story isn't over yet and I hope that it gets better in future years.
I think maybe you've done better than you think! I think parents need to remind themselves that although they had these babies, that these babies they have really don't belong to them. As they grow, despite all the best efforts, they still form their own personalities and their own ways of thinking.... good or bad. They grow sometimes into people we had no idea they would become. I think parents can only hope that some of what they teach their kids sinks in enough to help them have the skills to make the right decisions at the right times.
Hang in there and good luck. From the sounds of it, you haven't failed. You've done the best you could at the times. 🙂
If my mom were alive today it would not surprise me if I heard some of the same words come out of her mouth that you have just spoken here. I can't say I would take offense to it. I don't think a mother's job is ever easy.

Wiseacre · F

@Elisbch 👍

laotzu92 · 70-79, M

I'm glad I didn't see this on Father's Day.
But since I'm here, I have never and do not now regret what we did raising the kids.
In a way, being a parent in a family is a microcosm of humanity. We, if we can look beyond our lifespan, are acting for the future of our exceptional species.

TallMtnMedic · M

When they get to be afults, thats their fault not yours. They need to take responsibility.
That being said, same for the 16 year old, not uour fault, but you do have some control albeit not much.
There are summer camps, boot camps for troubled teens that will usually straighten them up.

My dad told me I go to school, get a job or I was gone. I finished school and worked. I know he meant it though.

Gotta wonder if your oldest had a hand in her getting weed.

You haven't failed, they failed you. Youve done everything you can, two kids are proof on that.

KaiserSolze · 46-50, F

@TallMtnMedic thanks. He told me he gave her weed. It was the most upsetting and distressing thing. He said it to me like he'd done me a favor "because then nobody else gave it to her" I thought I'd never forgive him for that and I don't know if I do.

val70 · 51-55

Perhaps you indeed feel like that, but you're not waste. You still know what values are. I've been reading about the practical side of being an individualist anarchist. It emphasizes the individual and his or her will over external determinants such as groups, society, traditions, and ideological systems. You sound to me like you do have that will there. Don't feel horrible about anything at all. You did your best :-)

View 9 more replies »

val70 · 51-55

@Gloomy Not really, most inside the church are narrow minded too. Got blocked by one on here for the issue of gay priests let allong bishops. I mean, some people don't even want to discuss. It's been decided so it's fact

Gloomy · F

@val70 To me that's proof how christianity is seen differently by everyone and it often is a justification for intolerance.
Also siblings don't have to love each other

val70 · 51-55

@Gloomy Intolerance comes about naturally. It's what ones does with desire, emotion, outburst, etc. that will define what you are. Love is everywhere. Well, that's my own core idea, but that's my belief. Don't take the group thing but the overriding love thing. Not that I'd love murderers or abusers, nor even slasher movies. I guess that one needs to put the emphasis on the indivual with crankiness again :-)

KaiserSolze · 46-50, F

Thank you to everyone that replied.

I vented here to avoid it coming out irl as much as possible.

deadgerbil · 26-30

Crazy how he left solid employment to sell weed. Stuff like that is pretty depressing, as well as raising kids in this kind of society.

Elessar · 26-30, M

@deadgerbil Assuming it is, all they say is "work at Mercedes". It could be anything from a manager to the last of the salesmen. If selling weed gets you more than a traditional job, why would people go with the latter?

deadgerbil · 26-30

@Elessar they also seemed to indicate that he lost his place of residence and has nothing now. Hopefully he finds a way to make ends meet with the weed

windinhishair · 61-69, M

There is a good chance you aren't even halfway through your life. You have time to do the things you want to do, starting now. Embrace the rest of your life. Your perspective may change.

Elisbch · M

Just curious, how are you feeling now? Things getting any better? 🙏🏻 It's been a year now.

KaiserSolze · 46-50, F

@Elisbch Well 🤔 I days where I feel that again, like a wave. My eldest son ended up in prison. My second son is still at uni so that's good. I get on better with my daughter now but she's still not doing anything productive and I've been seeing people to help but they keep saying to have patience and it's hard to.

Yesterday I felt quite suicidal about it all. Again the waste feeling. Then I think there's nothing I can do about it. I have to focus on myself. If they want to be stupid it's their choice and me being distressed won't change it.

I wish I could say it's better or there's a big change but there isn't.

I changed what I do and took up hobbies to try to cheer myself up and it's worked except for days when I think about it all. I can't do anything about my eldest son and my daughter doesn't want help so I also feel powerless to make anything better.

Thanks for asking.

Elisbch · M

@KaiserSolze

I'm sorry to hear your eldest son is in prison... and although I've been there (suic_idal feelings) myself at times, I hope the sui_cidal feelings aren't often and eventually go away.
You have some very positive things you're saying though and that's promising and sounds good. Second son in Uni, better communication with your daughter,
And especially this...

Then I think there's nothing I can do about it. I have to focus on myself. If they want to be stupid it's their choice and me being distressed won't change it.

This is positive progress for you .. and you need to take care of you.
Hobbies and keeping busy doing positive things for yourself are great for you. I hope you keep all these things up. The change is happening within you and that's great because as you say, you can not control what others do. It doesn't make it easier but believing that helps you cope better.

I don't have kids so saying that you may dismiss me. However, what I learned when I was growing up under the thumb of an abusive alcoholic father and enabling mother is that both my father and my mother, always seemed by what they said was that I was more property and that I was to fall in line with what they wanted me to be rather than my own person. I never got that kind of encouragement. I realized at an early age that I cannot be what they wanted me to be and that I had to learn a lot of life's lessons on my own. The more I felt their pressure to be what they wanted me to be, and feeling owned by them, the more I fought back my own way and many times I was not making good decisions or choices out of spite and rebellion. Now, being an adult and older than you, and thinking about all this since both my parents are gone, I see the turmoil I put them through. I don't know if I saw it back then when I was a kid or young adult. At that time, many times I didn't care.
After all that I still turned out, I think pretty darn good. My parents still taught me things regardless of it not being a very pleasant household. I think you're doing what you can. I think you need to keep taking care of yourself... doing those positive things for yourself and hope that your kids will see the positive things you're doing for yourself and possibly it'll rub off on them. I hope you'll hang in there because you sound more positive now than a year ago. I think it's because you're doing these good things for yourself. 🌻

KaiserSolze · 46-50, F

@Elisbch thank you. Your words were very affirmative and helpful.

Wiseacre · F

Women are programmed to have children, alas! It's not for everyone! I wouldn't bring children into this fucked up world today...that's for sure.

Kae20 · 56-60, FVIP

No you haven't wasted your life ..you said yourself that you enjoyed those 20 years you spent raising them.

What you are actually feeling is disappointment. Because the hopes of them being who you wanted them have been dashed.

What you have raised are ' young adults ' who as they get older will eventually make choices & go their own way in life .

It's the rules of life.

Be happy that they are alive and well.

It's time for you to start thinking of your needs , loosen the Apron Strings & begin doing stuff that brings you joy 🌤️

HannahSky · F

Your disdain for your children probably shows with them and effects their choices and, what sounds like hopelessness.

OrionInTheNight

I made a post about this not too long ago

I hope I didnt prompt this

if it is any consolation at least being a mother is all you did

you didnt get addicted to meth or anything worse

and maybe even 4 people will always be influenced forever because of you

as a childless person I cant say that of myself

Gloomy · F

Why do you say such a thing? You said you enjoyed looking after them and now because they may not live exactly the way you want them to, or are struggling you consider it all worthless.

Why so harsh on your 16 year old daughter?

Budwick · 70-79, M

You suck

Notladylike

This is just a snapshot in time. It’s pretty common for these years to be rough. It doesn’t mean your kids won’t find their way eventually. I was a mess until my late 20s.

helenS · 36-40, F

I wonder how you would feel without children, without being a mother, walking in the park alone, seeing other women buying ice cream for their kids.

GuyWithOpinions · 31-35, M

I understand. When you feel no one appreciates you, why stuck around. You did you part, they are now adults. Your free to live as you want. You earned it.

Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M

I agree about society today, there is much wrong but you gave life to 4 people and they wouldn't have the experience of anything without you.

SW-User

My mom has the same regret as she left her job to raise us but from a spiritual perspective you’re always on the path to salvation

Slade · 56-60, M

I think I can say, without reservation, that social media has been a huge net negative

SatanBurger · 36-40, FVIP

Actually there's more than you think out there, even a whole news segment on it.

metaldog

What would you have done instead?

SomeMichGuy · M

Wow.

Rough.

A lot to unpack here.

SkeetSkeet · 100+, F

Life is a miserable journey also they have a sub on reddit called regretfulparents with a lot of people venting the same issues as you

deadgerbil · 26-30

@SkeetSkeet Reddit queen

Monalisaa1986 · 36-40, F

Raising children is not a waste of a life , especially when they grow up and do well for themselves, and are well put together that is what you did be proud

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