as rodney dangerfield once said... my ex-wife is a water sign and i'm an earth sign. together we made mud.

the ones down under would imo

She didn’t ACT underage, your honor.

You might be an engineer if: At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

Marriage is a great institution... But who want to live in an institution

Pardon me, do you happen to have any grey poupon?

FREE TIBET.. tshirts are made in china

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

My husband and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

The worst part about working for the unemployment department is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths