God Announces Departure From ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’THE HEAVENS—Asserting that He’d had “enough of the drama,” the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, shocked fans Tuesday by announcing His abrupt departure from The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives. “Though this series has been a huge part of My... See More » (1)
Christ Demands More MoneyJERUSALEM—Dissatisfied with dwindling receipts in recent years, redeemer of humanity Jesus Christ issued a rare public statement Monday, sharply criticizing His followers’ lack of generosity and demanding a marked increase in their contributions to... See More » (1)
God Horrified To Find Humans Eating Sacred, Omniscient PotatoesTHE HEAVENS—Shaking His head in disbelief as the color drained from His face, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly horrified Monday to learn that humans had been consuming the sacred, omniscient potatoes He sent to earth. “Potatoes? As in the... See More » (1)
God Struggling To Remember Why He Made So Many Ugly PeopleTHE HEAVENS—Scratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly people. “I could... See More » (1)
Dracula on crucifixes. "No, I'm not afraid of the damn thing. I just don't like the insanity it promotes." (1)
Dolly Parton Troubled To Find God IlliterateTHE HEAVENS—Her heart breaking when she discovered the Almighty fumbling over the most basic words on the page in front of Him, country music icon and noted humanitarian Dolly Parton was reportedly troubled to discover Wednesday that God was... See More »
Claude DebussyOn this date in 1862, Achille–Claude Debussy, the originator of “musical impressionism,” was born in Saint-Germain-en-Laye, France, the oldest of five children. Becoming a student at the Paris Conservatoire at 11 years old, Debussy went on to win... See More »
God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off ReligionTHE HEAVENS—Saying that the various belief systems had a “good run” over the last few millennia but that it was probably time for humans to get by on their own, the Lord Our God, He Who Is Seen And Unseen, proclaimed Monday that He would begin slowl... See More » (1)
4 Angels Banished From Heaven For Attempting To UnionizeTHE HEAVENS—Describing their behavior as insubordinate and disruptive, heavenly authorities banished four angels from the Kingdom of Eternal Life this week for attempting to unionize, sources from the hereafter reported. “These four hardworking ang... See More » (1)
God Admits He Rarely ForgivesTHE HEAVENS—Calling into question centuries of religious dogma and commonly held beliefs, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, admitted Tuesday that in actuality it is “extremely rare” for Him to ever forgive an individual.... See More » (1)
Christ Sues Catholic Church For Unlicensed Use Of His ImageVATICAN CITY—Claiming the religion was infringing upon His personality rights, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, sued the Catholic Church Friday for alleged unlicensed use of His image. “Today, I have filed a lawsuit against the Roman Catholic... See More » (1)
Study: Mosquitos More Attracted To People Branded With Mosquito God’s Rune Of PunishmentNEW YORK CITY—Touting the discovery as a breakthrough in understanding the behavioral patterns of the insects, Rockefeller University researchers published a study Friday revealing that mosquitos are more attracted to people branded with the... See More » (1)
Report: More Souls Deferring Entrance To Heaven For A Year To Backpack Through Spirit RealmASTRAL PLANE—Citing an increased desire to take some time for themselves before joining the great choir invisible, more souls are choosing to defer entrance to Heaven for a year in order to spend time backpacking through the spirit realm, according t... See More »
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