God Struggling To Remember Why He Made So Many Ugly PeopleTHE HEAVENS—Scratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly people. “I could... See More » (+1)
Dracula on crucifixes. "No, I'm not afraid of the damn thing. I just don't like the insanity it promotes." (+1)
Dolly Parton Troubled To Find God IlliterateTHE HEAVENS—Her heart breaking when she discovered the Almighty fumbling over the most basic words on the page in front of Him, country music icon and noted humanitarian Dolly Parton was reportedly troubled to discover Wednesday that God was... See More »
Claude DebussyOn this date in 1862, Achille–Claude Debussy, the originator of “musical impressionism,” was born in Saint-Germain-en-Laye, France, the oldest of five children. Becoming a student at the Paris Conservatoire at 11 years old, Debussy went on to win... See More »
God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off ReligionTHE HEAVENS—Saying that the various belief systems had a “good run” over the last few millennia but that it was probably time for humans to get by on their own, the Lord Our God, He Who Is Seen And Unseen, proclaimed Monday that He would begin slowl... See More » (+1)
4 Angels Banished From Heaven For Attempting To UnionizeTHE HEAVENS—Describing their behavior as insubordinate and disruptive, heavenly authorities banished four angels from the Kingdom of Eternal Life this week for attempting to unionize, sources from the hereafter reported. “These four hardworking ang... See More » (+1)
God Admits He Rarely ForgivesTHE HEAVENS—Calling into question centuries of religious dogma and commonly held beliefs, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, admitted Tuesday that in actuality it is “extremely rare” for Him to ever forgive an individual.... See More » (+1)
Christ Sues Catholic Church For Unlicensed Use Of His ImageVATICAN CITY—Claiming the religion was infringing upon His personality rights, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, sued the Catholic Church Friday for alleged unlicensed use of His image. “Today, I have filed a lawsuit against the Roman Catholic... See More » (+1)
Study: Mosquitos More Attracted To People Branded With Mosquito God’s Rune Of PunishmentNEW YORK CITY—Touting the discovery as a breakthrough in understanding the behavioral patterns of the insects, Rockefeller University researchers published a study Friday revealing that mosquitos are more attracted to people branded with the... See More » (+1)
Report: More Souls Deferring Entrance To Heaven For A Year To Backpack Through Spirit RealmASTRAL PLANE—Citing an increased desire to take some time for themselves before joining the great choir invisible, more souls are choosing to defer entrance to Heaven for a year in order to spend time backpacking through the spirit realm, according t... See More »
God Discontinues The PebbleTHE HEAVENS—In an effort to make the universe a more modern and efficient place, the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, confirmed Wednesday that He would be discontinuing the pebble. “Starting in the year of our Me 2026, I will be ceasing... See More » (+1)
