Jesus Circles Earth Few Times So He Not First To Arrive To Judgment DayLOW EARTH ORBIT—Dreading a scenario in which He showed up early and was forced to make awkward small talk with mankind, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, circled the earth a few times so He wouldn’t be the first to arrive for Judgment Day, heavenly... See More » (1)
God Too Obsessed With Ants Right Now To Focus On Next PopeTHE HEAVENS—Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He was too obsessed with ants right now to focus on the next pope. “While I want to commit... See More » (1)
Cardinal With 3-Foot Vertical Leap Emerges As Frontrunner In Papal CombineVATICAN CITY—Revealing that he had quickly distinguished himself at the four-day invitation-only event, Vatican sources confirmed Friday that Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, a 75-year-old American prelate with a 3-foot vertical leap, had emerged as the... See More » (1)
Chick-Fil-A RapturedATLANTA—In a harrowing fulfillment of biblical prophecy that left customers screaming as their fast food orders disappeared before their eyes, panicked sources reported Tuesday that every Chick-fil-A store had been raptured. The massive heavenly... See More » (1)
God Releases New Peppermint-Flavored Chipmunks For The HolidaysTHE HEAVENS—Touting His latest majestic creation as the ideal recipe for wintertime fun, the Almighty God, He Who Reigneth Omnipotent in Heaven and Earth, released new peppermint-flavored chipmunks on Wednesday. “Just in time for the holidays,... See More » (1)
Five quotes from people born on this dateKurt Vonnegut, 1922, author “I am an atheist (or at best a Unitarian who winds up in churches quite a lot).” — Vonnegut, "Fates Worse Than Death: An Autobiographical Collage of the 1980s" (1991) Joseph McCabe, 1867, former priest and freethought... See More »
Many People Still Believe The Biblical Myth About Human RibsMost people are born with 12 ribs on each side of the body, making a total of 24 ribs. Despite the prolific misconception, this is the same for men and women. This myth is often attributed to the biblical story of Eve being made from one of Adam's... See More »
Born on this dateOn this date in 1925, television host and comedian John William “Johnny” Carson was born to Ruth and Homer Carson in Corning, Iowa. He spent his childhood in Iowa and Nebraska and by age 14 was performing magic tricks locally as “The Great Carsoni.”... See More »
Born on this dateOn this date in 1929, author and iconoclast Ursula K. Le Guin (née Kroeber) was born in Berkeley, Calif. Her parents were the anthropologist Alfred Kroeber and the writer Theodora Kroeber. She graduated from Radcliffe College Phi Beta Kappa in... See More »
Born on this date: Margaret SangerOn this date in 1879, Margaret Louise Sanger (née Higgins), was born in Corning, N.Y., to a freethinking, Irish-born father and a Catholic Irish-American mother. Watching her mother die at age 48 of tuberculosis after bearing 11 children changed the... See More »
Born on this date: H.L. MenckenOn this date in 1880, H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken, atheist and journalist, was born in Baltimore. Although his father was agnostic, his Lutheran mother sent him to Sunday school, which he later defined as “a prison in which children do penance for... See More »
Astrology is nonsenseAstrology has no basis in fact. The solar system is relatively flat, occupying an imaginary plane in the sky called the ecliptic. Planets waver 8 degrees on each side of the centerline, in a belt called the zodiac. As the Earth travels around its... See More »
Born on this date.: Stephen J. GouldOn this date in 1941, paleontologist and author Stephen Jay Gould was born in New York City. He graduated from Antioch College with a degree in geology in 1963 and earned his Ph.D. from Columbia University in 1967. The evolutionary biologist, a... See More »
A great man that helped to feed the worldLuther Burbank was born March 7, 1849 in Lancaster, Mass. He found fame early when he single-handedly saved U.S. potato crops from the deadly blight by cultivating russet potatoes. The Burbank Russett is the most widely cultivated potato in the U.S.... See More »
An all-loving killer deityReligion frequently proclaims that an all-loving, all-merciful Heavenly Father kills people vengefully when displeased. The bible describes it in Noah’s flood, the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah, and various other passages. Puritan preacher Jonathan... See More »
Newly Sober God Admits He Has No Recollection Of Creating UniverseTHE HEAVENS—Sipping on a Diet Coke as He described the mix of alcohol and pills He had lived off of for years, a newly sober God admitted Tuesday that He had no recollection of creating the universe. “Everyone tells Me I made light and darkness, sea... See More » (1)
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