I have a terminally ill friend whom I care for and miss...but when he came over briefly today I didn't want to touch him. Is that a bad thing?

He is insane, IMO, to be out and about with his immune system destroyed by chemo and radiation. He is so ill his doctor won't do any further chemo or radiation, which means he may not last very much longer. He was supposed to have at least another year after his diagnosis last August...but that is only if they are able to treat the cancer.

He doesn't even know for sure, he said, whether or not he is still contagious with the C. Difficile bacteria he caught while living in the rehab facility. If he is contagious, he just touched all the door handles and buttons on his way in here, and handed me a bag he has also touched.

Tomorrow he is going to Boston, by himself for a needle aspiration to remove fluid from around his lungs, and thinks he is going to be able to take The Ride and then drive home by himself from the VA hospital in a truck that needs a lot of work. I told him he HAS to call me so I can come and get him and drive him home if he can't handle it.

I have washed my hands about a million times since he left. JK. I just don't want C.Difficile.

He just gave me some very generous gifts. He handed me about $900 worth of lidocaine patches he says he will not use, and a hundred dollar gift card for groceries as a Valentine's Day gift. He is always generous with food, and re-gifting things he will not use...but today made me realize that he is...cashing out.

When he left, he took out my trash. He is still trying to take care of me. Anyway...trying not to cry. Nothing easy about a friend dying.

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Oster1 · M

This is really sad to read. The gentleman sounds like a great and generous guy. What a shame. You also were very generous in making him feel loved and appreciated. C-diff, is a very bad thing to have. It would have been nice for him to know or not. I don’t blame you at all. No one knows more than him that he is dying and I give him credit for reaching out to you. Yes, I agree. He knew too, that this may be the last time, to see you.

You gave me an idea tonight. If I ever find myself in that position. I want the Docs to write a note that I can carry, stating I’m free from spreading communical disease. I really would want all my many friends, to feel comfortable and at ease, with me at this time.

You were very kind to offer to pick him up but I really admire his tenacity in wanting to not burden others and maybe even wanting to drive, as much as he can. I really like and admire this man and he will be in my prayers, you too!🤗

4meAndyou · F

@Oster1 Thank you, my friend. 🤗

curiosi · 61-69, F

So sorry about your friend. You have done more for him than you realize. It's very common to be abandoned by everyone when one is stricken with illness. You have stuck by him and shown him love. We all die and unfortunately some too soon. Take solace in the fact that he knows you cared for him.
As far as him touching the door handles etc. Imagine all the things we touch in our daily lives and we have no idea what those before us were carrying. Yet we manage to stay relatively healthy.

4meAndyou · F

@curiosi I just hope none of the frail or elderly people who live in this building touch the elevator buttons or the door handles. C. Difficile actually killed a friend of mine once, right after I moved in here. It can develop into a superbug.

I don't think I COULD abandon him...not when he needs someone that cares about him. He is losing his mind to anger, I think. He accuses his family of not being there for him, and even said that they don't care anything about him, that they are just lining up for his money like vultures...and that is just not true...not even a little bit true. His sisters have been there for him, visiting, bringing him things, giving him rides...they have all given him rides, even Ed. Anyway...he is as grumpy as hell, three times angry, and is losing it...and he really NEEDS his family. I really hope he doesn't alienate them.

curiosi · 61-69, F

@4meAndyou There is a pain that unless experienced we don't understand, that runs so deep it can't be described. His reaction is normal, most don't stay there.

4meAndyou · F

@curiosi Thank you for your kind and hopeful words. I hope he turns to God.

trackman11 · 61-69, M

Your fear is understandable, as is your care and concern for him. Dying is hard, watching someone you care about die is hard in different ways. I spent the last 3 weeks with my mom back in 2004 and to this day I have never done anything more difficult and yet more important.

Thanks for offering him a ride even in the midst of your fear.

4meAndyou · F

@trackman11 🤗

SmartKat · 56-60, F

I know it hurts. 🤗

Try not to feel bad about not wanting to touch him. Illness can provoke reactions in other people that nobody expects. Especially a really serious illness, like this.

Don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing the best you can.

4meAndyou · F

@SmartKat Thank you. 🤗

MarmeeMarch · M

I remember you talking about him many months ago and how you were helping him with some kind of insurance stuff.

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4meAndyou · F

@MarmeeMarch They'd be broke if they could be sued for all the deaths they caused in Veterans due to incompetence, delayed and cancelled appointments and Oops! You have stage 3B inoperable lung cancer, and we knew about it and forgot to tell you...(which is what happened to my friend).

MarmeeMarch · M

@4meAndyou what about those cancer centers ? I am sure they cost alot

4meAndyou · F

@MarmeeMarch He walked out of the VA last August when they first told him they knew of the cancer, and were supposed to have scheduled a cat scan, but someone dropped the ball. The cat scan was never done, his doctor never informed, and he was never informed by his doctor. Three months later...he starts coughing up blood.

He is being treated at a private hospital now, both Brigham and Women's and Dana Farber in Boston, and he says the difference in the care he is receiving is like night and day. However, nothing in his diagnosis can ever change. The VA waited so long to tell him, without treating him, and the cancer was so aggressive that no matter who treats him, he will have about 13 months, max, to live. From last August.

Peaches · F

That is soooo sad!😭💔I will never understand WHY dying has to be so painful and heartbreaking...

4meAndyou · F

@Peaches I am not sad today, my friend...don't worry for me or for him. Dying is a part of life, and we will all experience it. What is sad is when we care for one another too much to really let go. It is then that we suffer so. I was actually going to go to church this morning, but he called me very late last night and wants to come over today to use my copy machine. So...our lives go on, and will continue until the very end.

Peaches · F

@4meAndyou I thought of that and am glad there is really no one in my life except for Mr.C. When and if he dies before me it will be easy for me to let go when my turn comes.

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