On parenting
What ways do you wish your parents had shown love or supported you as a teenager or young adult?
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CrazyMusicLover · 31-35
Maybe not treating crying as a nasty shameful disease you have to get rid of asap. (Any crying. Not just when someone is regularly overly dramatic.) Maybe showing a concern instead of asking: "are you bawling again?"
Also maybe taking a help of a psychologist into consideration and sending a message that it's okay to seek that kind of help instead of acting like everything is okay.
Also maybe taking a help of a psychologist into consideration and sending a message that it's okay to seek that kind of help instead of acting like everything is okay.
ZulXeroth · 31-35, M
@CrazyMusicLover This one is really important and I’m happy to see it posted here.
It makes a huge difference to ask what your child needs instead of berating them for crying or being upset, and it’s really important in helping them understand their own needs.
❤️
It makes a huge difference to ask what your child needs instead of berating them for crying or being upset, and it’s really important in helping them understand their own needs.
❤️
CrazyMusicLover · 31-35
@ZulXeroth One thing I will never understand is how does someone get angry or irritated when another person cries. I confess I don't deal with it well either as I'm not good at consoling and not a deeply caring kind of person to show genuine concern and will to help but I don't think I ever got irritated. After reading anonymous confessions on various sites and learning how different people think and feel about various interpersonal stuff, I kind of got the impression that this reaction is pretty much a red flag. If I ask myself why, I come to two explanations:
1) The person had to deal with a highly manipulative person and can't distinguish between crocodile tears and genuine tears and for some reason always assumes the person is just putting a show to manipulate them or solicit pity.
2) The person doesn't have normal emotional reactions and any or rare need to cry, therefore they judge others by themselves and assume every person who cries in fact manipulates because crying in their mind can't have any other purpose.
Maybe there are other explanations but that's what I picked from how some people with certain disorders claim to think.
1) The person had to deal with a highly manipulative person and can't distinguish between crocodile tears and genuine tears and for some reason always assumes the person is just putting a show to manipulate them or solicit pity.
2) The person doesn't have normal emotional reactions and any or rare need to cry, therefore they judge others by themselves and assume every person who cries in fact manipulates because crying in their mind can't have any other purpose.
Maybe there are other explanations but that's what I picked from how some people with certain disorders claim to think.
ZulXeroth · 31-35, M
@CrazyMusicLover #1 rings quite a loud bell for me, though I think the root issue there is trust.
As a child I was not raised in an environment where trust was intrinsic, and therefore did not learn to trust at all until rather recently. Certainly not an excuse for such awful behavior, but I think deeply seated trust issues come with a lot of baggage, and that’s something I’d never want for my child.
As a child I was not raised in an environment where trust was intrinsic, and therefore did not learn to trust at all until rather recently. Certainly not an excuse for such awful behavior, but I think deeply seated trust issues come with a lot of baggage, and that’s something I’d never want for my child.
Hard to answer because for so long I have accepted that how it was could never have been any different.
Both my parents were alcoholics. Each, in different ways, was badly traumatised by her and his parents. They lived in an era when psychologists understood little and it was thought shameful to reach out for help.
My mother discovered she hated being a mother almost as soon as I was born. She could not express affection, approval or love.
My father used that to make use of me.
I've done many years of therapy and believe I've overcome most of my problems. It's been hard slog but well worth it.
I think, when we're adults, we're responsible for healing ourselves.
There's really no point in blaming parents or others.
Both my parents were alcoholics. Each, in different ways, was badly traumatised by her and his parents. They lived in an era when psychologists understood little and it was thought shameful to reach out for help.
My mother discovered she hated being a mother almost as soon as I was born. She could not express affection, approval or love.
My father used that to make use of me.
I've done many years of therapy and believe I've overcome most of my problems. It's been hard slog but well worth it.
I think, when we're adults, we're responsible for healing ourselves.
There's really no point in blaming parents or others.
AnonymousJSS · 22-25, F
By researching more about mental illness and trying to understand it. We’re Mexican so they’re pretty close-minded about it and don’t really think it’s a real thing. I was struggling with depression for years and they told me to just ignore it and try to do more things that would distract me.
Colonelmustardseed · 36-40
Torsten · 36-40, M
akindheart · 61-69, F
akindheart · 61-69, F
@ZulXeroth no. they were incapable. they lived a tough life. they both had addictions. I received NO help. none. I went to school because I knew my mom's income and forged my financial aid papers. I was that determined. she would not help me. ever.
deadgerbil · 26-30
deadgerbil · 26-30
@ZulXeroth it would contribute to a stable environment growing up. Even up until recently, shouting matches between my mom sister and grandmother were pretty frequent. Total chaos and it nearly caused me to end it one time when they decided to come after me with their bs
ZulXeroth · 31-35, M
@deadgerbil that’s an unfortunate thing to have gone through, seems like a shared experience.
In trying to be a better parent than the two I was cursed with, maybe I’m asking what you mean by goofballs? I think perhaps we have very different ideas as to what that word means and I’d like to understand the difference better.
In trying to be a better parent than the two I was cursed with, maybe I’m asking what you mean by goofballs? I think perhaps we have very different ideas as to what that word means and I’d like to understand the difference better.
Starcrossed · 41-45, F
Well the small 'breakthrough' I had in therapy today was how early and how the pressures to be perfect were put upon me as early as 3 yrs old. I explored how that formed a core personality trait/emotional default state.
I wish as a teenager they wouldn't have continued fostering that unreasonable expectation of perfection when it isn't even attainable. I didn't need to be the model example for my 3 yrs younger brother. It wasn't fair how they blatantly and unashamedly treated us differently even after I pointed it out.
I wish as a teenager they wouldn't have continued fostering that unreasonable expectation of perfection when it isn't even attainable. I didn't need to be the model example for my 3 yrs younger brother. It wasn't fair how they blatantly and unashamedly treated us differently even after I pointed it out.
Cigarguy101 · 41-45, M
ZulXeroth · 31-35, M
@Cigarguy101 what an absolutely shameful way to treat a child 😞
It’s obvious to see what you didn’t need, I don’t think anyone can question that.
It’s obvious to see what you didn’t need, I don’t think anyone can question that.
revenant · F
I was regarded as a possession. I was supposed to have the same views, behave the same way and I found it all extremely stifflin
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samueltyler2 · 80-89, M
my mother died when I was 11, my dad when i was 18, so they never had that chance. I tried hard to show my kids how much I loved them, not with material gifts, but in other ways.
BrewCityBarfly · M
They did fine considering. They had me when they thought they were done with kids, so there was a huge generational gap. My older brothers pretty much raised me until they moved out.
Miram · 31-35, F
They should've never brought children to this world.
Some people are simply completely unfit to be parents. They don't need adjustments to become parents. They need to be sterilized.
Some people are simply completely unfit to be parents. They don't need adjustments to become parents. They need to be sterilized.
texasborn89 · 31-35, M
just wish they would have treated me the same as my siblings and not play favorites with them. they'll deny it but I know that they have a favorite sibling
PoetryNEmotion · F
My parents did the best they could especially knowing their parents were horrible parents on both sides. Except for my mom's father.
SW-User
They did the best they could with what they knew ...
As a result i grew up independent I'll just leave it at that
As a result i grew up independent I'll just leave it at that
Imsleepy · 31-35
My mother has always supported me. I got lucky.
SW-User
no ways, and I don't "wish" anything
As a parent now, I understand why they behaved the way they did, but when my sister developed her disability, I was left to my own devices and pretty much grew up on my own.
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