The rage is eating me alive!!!!!!

Your first mistake is trying to overcome your feelings. Feelings exist to be felt, examined, and understood. The only way to actually move past them is to do that.

Huge, heavy, traumatic feelings are painful to work through and take a long time, but if you don't accept them, you will never work through them and they will never go away at all.

You must accept your feelings and not try to change them or ignore them.

You don't have to let those feelings control your behavior, but you DO have to let your feelings be your feelings and surrender your attempt to reason your way into something else. Allow your feelings change you, change how you see your parents, and change your relationship with them.

If you do this, those emotions will eventually exhaust the power they have over you and they will dull into the past. Their power will be spent on changing you as a person. This process is basically allowing your mind to integrate an extremely painful lesson that you are currently trying to push away.
________
When you are experiencing the rage and pain, name to yourself specifically which thing you are currently angry about, and try to sort out all of the other emotions you are also feeling specifically. The betrayal, the lack of care, the abandonment, and so forth.

Write out full letters to your parents thoroughly expressing your anger over every specific thing that drives your rage. You don't have to give them those letters, but doing this will help your mind accept that you have thoroughly examined and understood each thing that your mind is constantly trying to force you to think about.

The rage and pain is coming from your mind. Your mind is not your enemy. Your subconscious is so heavily insisting because you still have a lesson it badly needs you to learn and accept from this.

It sounds like you are making excuses for them for their abusive behavior. At this point, you owe them nothing. Let them go. End the toxic relationship and find your own happiness. It is the only way to find the redemptive peace you seek. Just my 2 cents.

I wish you well.

yeah, in my 20's I went through that, I was so mad at my father and sister for how they made me feel during my youth. I still carry some of that frustration but it just gets diluted with all the other more positive and new things in my life. also I meditate and try to fix those thigs from the inside. I try to be aware that I am carrying an unnecessary weight and that the present is the only thing that exists. I tune my state of mind on the present instead of tuning it to the past. right now I am quietly siting at my laptop, this is what I choose to be feeling right now. tons of bad stuff from the past I could drag out and feel shitty about. my motto is that what goes on within my should be voluntary and useful. why are you thinking of this? are you really choosing to think of that crap right now or it just wondered in your mind? is it useful? does it promote some kind of positive change? if not you can choose to think and feel something else.

I'm sorry you went through all that. I went through abuse as a kid, but nothing like you dealt with. I know that you love them even after all that happened, but at this point your best choice for the sake of your mental and emotional health is to cut them out of your life completely.

I don't think it's wise to give power to abusers. Abusers don't deserve to "win." And your rage means they win.
You run you.

You were abused by them (by your own description) and they are lucky you haven't reported them to the authorities. The fact you still contain that rage is ample proof of the damage they inflicted on you. It's probably a better idea to cut ties with them as this bond is crippling you emotionally, it's a weight around your neck dragging you down. They told you as a child you were ugly and a failure. There's no love there, unfortunately. Nobody does that from love.

I'm assuming your age range is accurate on your profile.

At this point of your life look at it this way

Your life is only as good as You make it for Yourself.

Easier said then done but try and distance from them. Move away. And make Your own life.

Leave the past in the past. Make new memories and understand You can't change what's happened.

Only You can decide what happens moving forwards.

Live in misery or make a happy better future for yourself.

You got this.

@Thegirlwiththedragontattoo Based on your comments, it seems that your parents were trying to get you to commit suicide. If you are 26-30 years of age, there is no real reason to associate with them, depending on where you live. The problem is that your life experiences seem to have ruined your chances to have a loving relationship with a man and having your own loving and respectful family.

A therapist would tell you to distance yourself from them and heal from years of abuse. That's great you have told them off, its a part of your healing. But you need to let them go. You need to distance yourself from their toxicity for good in order to survive and be whole again.

Don't ya just love the sayings of, "forgive and forget", or, "turn the other cheek"? Easier said than done, right?

Back in the seventies there was an album entitled," You Broke My Heart So I Busted Your Jaw!".

It's not uncommon for abused children to still cling to their abusers. Perhaps it's time to do like in this old clip from the movie Network.

[media=https://youtu.be/ZwMVMbmQBug]

They also are living this life for the first time. Just because they were 20 years older doesn’t mean they knew what they were doing. Most people are clueless. I am sure they know better and would not do that now . Forgive them. I am sure they were just trying to fix a problem by trial and error and never having done it before

You have so much good advice in this post all I can do is say that YOU need to now make that decision to put distance between you and them and live your life to the fullest…good luck and stay strong

If any of this is true just cut off all contact with them and move away from them

Those are the kind of parents who get dumped in a nursing home

How horrible and sad

You deserve much better

Have you tried self-medication with weed or other drugs? 🤣

Thats a shame what happened to you

Sad story