The rage is eating me alive!!!!!!

I’m full of rage towards my parents. Both of them were abusive to me in every way possible. Sometimes they beat me until I bled; they starved me as a kid because they thought I was too big for my age. My mom put me on strict diets since I was 9 and made me undergo gastric sleeve surgery at the age of 16. My dad was completely absent, but whenever he showed up, he would hurt me as well. They always told me I was a failure, ugly, and a bad child.

But ever since I grew up and rebelled against them hard for my own rights as a human being, they’ve changed a lot. It’s not like the abuse has completely disappeared, but I have the courage to stop them now. Still, I’m really full of rage towards them. I find myself trying to hurt and bother them as much as I can, and I feel incredibly guilty about it.

I love them, I really do, because I know that’s how they were raised, too. They thought they were doing all of that for my own good. I’m a grown ass woman trying to let go because I can’t stand living with a heavy heart anymore; it’s killing me. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been seeing psychiatrists and therapists for years, and nothing is working!

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

Pop88 · 36-40, M

Your first mistake is trying to overcome your feelings. Feelings exist to be felt, examined, and understood. The only way to actually move past them is to do that.

Huge, heavy, traumatic feelings are painful to work through and take a long time, but if you don't accept them, you will never work through them and they will never go away at all.

You must accept your feelings and not try to change them or ignore them.

You don't have to let those feelings control your behavior, but you DO have to let your feelings be your feelings and surrender your attempt to reason your way into something else. Allow your feelings change you, change how you see your parents, and change your relationship with them.

If you do this, those emotions will eventually exhaust the power they have over you and they will dull into the past. Their power will be spent on changing you as a person. This process is basically allowing your mind to integrate an extremely painful lesson that you are currently trying to push away.
________
When you are experiencing the rage and pain, name to yourself specifically which thing you are currently angry about, and try to sort out all of the other emotions you are also feeling specifically. The betrayal, the lack of care, the abandonment, and so forth.

Write out full letters to your parents thoroughly expressing your anger over every specific thing that drives your rage. You don't have to give them those letters, but doing this will help your mind accept that you have thoroughly examined and understood each thing that your mind is constantly trying to force you to think about.

The rage and pain is coming from your mind. Your mind is not your enemy. Your subconscious is so heavily insisting because you still have a lesson it badly needs you to learn and accept from this.