The rage is eating me alive!!!!!!

I’m full of rage towards my parents. Both of them were abusive to me in every way possible. Sometimes they beat me until I bled; they starved me as a kid because they thought I was too big for my age. My mom put me on strict diets since I was 9 and made me undergo gastric sleeve surgery at the age of 16. My dad was completely absent, but whenever he showed up, he would hurt me as well. They always told me I was a failure, ugly, and a bad child.

But ever since I grew up and rebelled against them hard for my own rights as a human being, they’ve changed a lot. It’s not like the abuse has completely disappeared, but I have the courage to stop them now. Still, I’m really full of rage towards them. I find myself trying to hurt and bother them as much as I can, and I feel incredibly guilty about it.

I love them, I really do, because I know that’s how they were raised, too. They thought they were doing all of that for my own good. I’m a grown ass woman trying to let go because I can’t stand living with a heavy heart anymore; it’s killing me. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been seeing psychiatrists and therapists for years, and nothing is working!