How to communicate with someone that believes you are the problem

It’s been really frustrating lately. Often when I say something to my wife she jumps to conclusions about what I’m trying to say and my motivations ( which she claims are mostly negative). Doesn’t matter if I try to clarify or tell that isn’t what I’m talking about nor was it my intention. At that point it no longer matters to her what I was trying to say and she get even more angry that I’m still talking about it.

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guynice · M

Universal 🤔

Longpatrol · 31-35, M

Damn that's tough dude. For some reason she's feeling defensive. Has there at any time recently, or perhaps for a long time that you've dismissed what she says?

Now I'm not saying you the problem, takes two hands to clap is all I'm saying.

You might want to let her know its happening. Seriously, let her erupt if she has too, at least you'll know if the issue is you, and while we can't change us much, without knowing where the rocks are we can't attempt to steer past them.

djjohnson · 41-45, M

@Longpatrol dismissed what she says? She says that I do but anytime I ask follow-up questions to better understand her she gets mad at me. so since I don’t understand her and she isn’t willing to clarify, I’m left with no choice but to dismiss it.

HikingMan · 51-55, M

There’s a guy named Bruce Muzic.
He has a communication course for couples, called Love at First Fight.

It cost about $300 if I remember correctly and has a high success rate.

Maybe worth a look?

PinkMoon · 26-30, F

Was she like this before you married her?

djjohnson · 41-45, M

@PinkMoon no. She used to assume the best in me. Or if she did misunderstand me she was wiling to listen to my clarification. Things changed when we decide for her to go back to work while I focused on finishing my degree. Me finishing and going back to work didn’t reverse the problem. She however claims she hasn’t changed at all over the years. Only I have changed and have become more mean and bitter. And in some ways she is correct. I admit I do give into my frustrations now and again and say something flippant. Unfortunately she has taken these reactions to her as proof that I am the cause.

PinkMoon · 26-30, F

@djjohnson Divorce time.

QuietReverie

I don’t anymore, I just leave their life.

I can’t be done with BS like that now.

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GoFish ·

don't talk to her.. obviously she already has her own hostile opinions

tallpowerhouseblonde · 36-40, F

One method is called the grey rock. Grey is the English spelling lol. You just don't say anything. A grey rock just exists and does nothing at all. The method is actually one approach for dealing with narcissists.

djjohnson · 41-45, M

@tallpowerhouseblonde I have been thinking that is what I’ve been dealing with. I’ve been tempted to use this method for a while. I’m already to the point I don’t share my thoughts with her. I just don’t see how going completely silent won’t escalate the problem more. She already complains about how we don’t talk as much as we used to. But again that is my all my fault apparently. What I need is an outside independent source that she’ll listen to tell her what she is doing. The problem is I don’t think she’ll listen to anyone that doesn’t agree with her.

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