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How do you handle this?

Your only son goes to university.
He is studying his passion music... His teachers are impressed with his talent and tell him he has soo much potential so much so they're putting him forward for various opportunities..
Covid happens and he's lockdown with his class mates. Between studying and working at Marks and Spencers he get covid 3 times.
During which he has to order in a lot because they're told to isolate.
When things start to open up again he falls behind on his work, he shows signs of anxiety.
You tell him to come home for a break but he has no desire to fix things. His rooms a tip and he's going out til all hours with his mates.
When you drop him home at uni you see there's no food shopping his rooms a tip with mouldy plates etc.
Anyways you help him to clean up.
You think there's hope as he gets a girlfriend she then takes on the mum role paying for him to go on holiday and looking after him. But it's not really sufficient as they're so young they haven't a clue.
His behaviour gets so bad you send him to the drs and after many screenings it's seems he has adhd.
He's given meds and told to take them... Without alcohol.
He's mixing them and not taking them properly.
Now what...
On top of this he regularly calls through the night asking for money, he buys concert tickets and friends cancel on him so you go in their place. The differing opinions between parents means he's pitting them off each other...
How do you resolve this issue. Especially when he is so far behind the uni is saying he just won't make it through?

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WhateverWorks · 36-40

I’d stop giving him any money and if he doesn’t like it he can come home to get himself recomposed rather than keep botching classes then go back to school once he’s got a better grip on things. There’s more, but that be the first constructive step.

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WhateverWorks · 36-40

That’s true, but they don’t ‘teach you’ how to be a good student ‘ manage your ADHD. He may have always had it, but it sounds like his folks helicoptered to compensate for his lack of executive functioning skills, so he didn’t learn to self-manage. Either way it’s a b!tch to deal with.. I’m loosing my ever-loving-mind trying to help my ADHD tween learn to handle life. Everyday I worry none of my efforts to help them help themselves will be enough.
Other side if that coin, as an ADHD adult myself who had to teach everything to myself without any help it was realllllllly hard and took yearsss to learn the skills to effectively handle adulting at like.. an 80% level lol..
@Mellowgirl

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@MartinTheFirst he had to have ecg scans, he was involved in a car crash a while back... But walked unscathed.
I think personally although he's been diagnosed with adhd he is probably dealing with some trauma.
I know that people say he should be resilient because he's so young but I think he's got some things he needs to get off his chest, including his parents divorce and watching his dad's crippling depression.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@WhateverWorks and I commend anyone that is able to get through any diagnosis that affects so much of their life.
His mum is a mental health nurse. She suggests things to help him but again it's an irritant to him.
I don't really know what to say or suggest.
I personally agree that holding his hand right now isn't the best. I would do so when he asks for help and actively shows signs of actually trying. Right now he's being spoon fed and it only seems to be making things worse.
I think the thing that bugs me the most is the food shopping issue. His mum buys a monthly food shop for him and he still runs up the deliveroo bill on a weekly basis.

SW-User

I felt sad reading that and I can't imagine the heartbreak any parent would feel watching that. I have no idea what I would do.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@SW-User I don't like to be mean but he's spoilt.
I went to university recently and my circumstances were very different to his. But I still pushed through. He doesn't even seem to be trying and that's what's bothering me.
If once he said I'd like and need help maybe that would make all the difference but the only person that seems to care is his mom

smileylovesgaming · 31-35, F

Well after reading this the problem isn't having ADHD. U said he did well in high school but not so well in college. I say the problem is his friend's. Going out all the time and drinking isn't good. He needs to stop seeing them so much and get to work on his studies.

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Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@smileylovesgaming I don't think you, me, his mum anyone could do that. Especially as he's worked so hard to get to this stage every one knows this including me. Yet what did I do. Went to university to get a degree in a creative course.
I think those that do the course including me think we stand a chance. And like anything you have to work bloody hard at it.
He needs to complete his degree and focus on doing the work otherwise it would have been a waste of time.

smileylovesgaming · 31-35, F

@Mellowgirl trust me my cousin is amazing at singing and stage work. It doesn't make much money at all. He had to find work elsewhere to pay off his college loans. He worked at a car dealership and ambulance service and now he does computer programming.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@smileylovesgaming and unfortunately that is story of most creatives life. That's nothing new.

4meAndyou · F

He is depressed, and that is causing him to screw up and fail. Now he's mixing that depression with booze and drugs.

He needs professional mental health counseling.

bhatjc · 46-50, M

@4meAndyou That is not a good combo

whippersnapper

I don't think there is anything you can do. This is HIS life lesson. You can talk to him and explain what will happen if he does not concentrate on school BUT, because of his ADHD, everything (girlfriends, friends, concerts etc) will be more entertaining to him. Also, and I speak from experience, ADHD meds need to be adjusted. Too high of a dose will make him more hyper.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@whippersnapper thank you for your advice and help I appreciate it. Glad you're managing yours, no don't know how you do it x

bhatjc · 46-50, M

Sounds like he needs some help.

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bhatjc · 46-50, M

@Mellowgirl Support group. A lot of students had problems during and after the Quarantine.

Mellowgirl · 31-35, F

@bhatjc I'm one and my tutors tried to push me to get through the year and away from the voutse/University because I was struggling interpersonally so much with the other students.
They know that society is on the decline and if you sink they just don't bother because they know you'll never survive.
So without sounding bad universities sick they are there to advance you really they just take your money to offer you a paper at the end to say you went there.

bhatjc · 46-50, M

@Mellowgirl That is very true. They are also trying to brain wash you into their way of thinking. Some college become like cults

MartinTheFirst · 26-30, M

Him having ADHD makes this foreign ground for me. I can tell that he needs more discipline and routines, to set up goals for himself every day, but ADHD makes this very different.

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