Here we go again...

New doc found some concerning lumps and swollen lymph nodes. She was shocked my oncologist didn't have me get a PET scan when they found cancer before. So now I have to wait another month, because healthcare is bullshit in this area, for an ultrasound, because insurance won't allow my new primary to order a PET scan without an ultrasound first... Even though I already had cancer...

I didn't sleep at all last night.

Trying super hard to not feel sorry for myself but god damn.

I'd give anything for five minutes with my Mom. To hold her again and here her say, it'll be okay baby.

But I don't know if it's going to be okay. I don't know anymore. I feel like my life is a losing battle. No matter how hard I try, I don't matter. I matter to my son, but I'm just another cadaver walking in the medical system. I have zero support. At this point, who tf would be my friend? I'm just problems and sadness. I don't want to be, but because I am I know I have to stay away from people. I'll be too much.

If I die, my son will only have his shit father.

What is life anyway? What's it like to have parents? Family? Support? A body that isn't trying to destroy itself? What's it like to sleep at night knowing you're going to wake up tomorrow and live? Without pain and fear? Around people that care?

I'm trying to focus on what I do have, but it breaks my heart, because if I leave my son, what's he gonna have?