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What helps you not put too much pressure on dating?

I simply don't date, b/c I feel SO much PRESSURE. I feel I am not enough (I am working on it a lot). When you have PtSD plus an anxiety disorder that is a good part of your life, you don't exactly feel like men are going to jump to be with you. :( But, it also sucks NEVER, ever dating b/c of it. How can I just look at dating as not so serious and keep overthinking how a guy may leave me? I just want to feel relaxed and look at it as just a fun night, but it is so hard to do b/c I don't know if a guy wants something serious. I need to go slow, and I know many don't. HELP

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HootyTheNightOwl Best Comment

Stop with the outlook of dating.

Start off with finding yourself some male friends - preferably ones that you share some common ground with... maybe you both like cookery or whatever???

Then you keep working on getting to know each other and doing things together as friends - no pressure or anything, he's no different from your bff aside from the gender. That should help you to calm yourself down and stop with the overthinking.

When it feels right and you're both comfortable, then you can look into dating... but your first step has to be about building friendships with guys first. A relationship is just a more serious friendship, after all.

LilPrincess · 41-45, F

I completely understand this because I have cptsd with panic and anxiety disorder and severe depression. I have difficulty trusting and typically when I do it comes back to bite me like my last relationship.

Today I am not putting pressure on myself but just trying to enjoy life.

Primnproper · 56-60, F

I’m not sure I would have gone down the dating route as such after my last marriage failed. I was kind of resolved to being alone.
My husband now took me by total surprise, we spoke for a long while then on the phone, then chatting on Skype before I even felt ok to meet him in person. Then I had regular visits for about 18months which I guess was dating where I visited and stayed at his for a week here and there. It sort of grew Into more as time went on.

DeWayfarer · 61-69, M

While it's true I haven't dated in a extremely long while, it's not because I don't want to date.

This is not putting on too much pressure.

I don't have the pressure because I have reversed the situation. I'll likely try anyone that asks with some distinct exceptions.

These distinct exceptions have never been presented, simply because I have never been asked.

Today is far too male dominated. So woman should be taking up the slack.

No pressure on me! 🤷🏻‍♂️

Carissimi · 70-79, F

You have struggled with this for a long time, so why not just stop the struggle? Accept this is you, and how you are because this is what life experience has “gifted” you. Whether dating or not dating, no one can guarantee a guy you get to like will leave you. He may, or may not, but look back on your life experiences. Look back on the experiences of women you know. They all leave at some point (men that is), even if they are with you physically. People “leave” us all the time. You can be married for 25-years, and he’s still “left” you. It’s how it is. It’s rare to find a loyal man, and I’m not just speaking physically loyal, but in his heart and mind. If there is one lesson I learned from my life is that loyalty (from anyone) is a rare thing indeed.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Carissimi Did you mean to accept myself ..issues and all...as far as stop the struggle? If so I do see the good in that because it feels horrible not thinking you are enough for someone, because of issues that came from sadistic abuse I never asked for. It just still feels like I am less than other dates a guy could have, because its are not just a couple flaws I have. It is severe PTSD and very daunting putting myself out there...I feel I don’t deserve love , offering such a tainted person. It sounds toxic to think that way but its very real. I just play it safe and stay single for years because the rejection may come and it will reiterate..see, you're not enough. (But maybe i could flip that, as I read an author said to do in a self help book..and say THEY were not enough)😟

Carissimi · 70-79, F

@Coralmist Yes accept all of you with your strengths and weaknesses, what you like about yourself, and what you don’t. The whole picture that is You. I speak from experience with PTSD, and the struggle to overcome it, while noble, can be exhausting, and can give you double PTSD. I’m not joking. Even this morning having to make a phone call to sort something out had my whole body trembling. Why? I have no idea. I just know my body goes into “feeling a threat/fear mode,” and I could beat myself up about it, but that would make me feel even worse. I wish my body did not respond like this, but it does. I guess it’s a defense mechanism that has had a lifetime to hone itself because of so many negative experiences that have brought me to my knees so many times. A body, a person, can only take so much hyper and overwhelming experiences, and there is no coming back from it. It’s like trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma until even the slightest challenge or setback will lead to that trigger.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Carissimi Thank you my friend. I think it will be the Only way to get myself out there, is to accept myself FULLY. EVEN with acute PtSD, in which I"m sure some guys will have an issue with. Or think to themselves, they could do better, with someone 'normal'. But I guess that is ok; b/c others have said that will just leave room for the person who WILL be kind, or compassionate. Who WOULD be meant for me. I truly need to stop seeing myself as a low, small, worthless being. I guessif 'I' accept my PTSD and all my shortcomings, then whoever does NOT accept me, it is on them, and just doesn't fit.

I'm so sorry you have also experienced PTSD. It really is just an awful disorder to deal with. And YES, so many little things can trigger it, and then just add MORE trauma or shame to the fire. Then it becomes overwhelming, and that is when I cut myself off socially. And I have for years now. From guys, from friends... it just feels so horrible to think you don't deserve good things b/c of an mental health issue, but it can be a TRUE meanie like that. But it is not US, not our spirit, not our essence. That is the one thing I know deep down, it's just tough to remember it daily. I get very panicked on the phone myself. Not always, but sometimes, and it can make me feel physical symptoms. bigggg hugggs my friend for sharing with me, and know you are not alone. You are a warrior for getting through all these times. 🌸

AccursedAlexander3 · 31-35, M

That’s the way dates should be. I find I am a bit too serious, not on dates but in life. I don’t go out much right now. I feel like it’s hard to know if a girl wants something serious and they play a lot of head games that I just don’t have time for.

AlchemyFox · 36-40, F

There is pressure though.

Do you flirt? Are you actively seeking dates?

Because you can put your feelings upfront and tell someone you want an old fashioned date without pressure. I'd bet a lot of people would like the sound of that. I would too.

I try to think of dates as learning experiences. Before I even dive deep into them I'm observing everything I can. Watching for signs of jerkiness. Feeling out my own comfort level. Hit the breaks if I need to.

You're in control.

If you're upfront, you shouldn't attract the takers and love bombers.

UnlikeableAndy · 36-40, M

I put not much pressure on dating by being not wanted by anyone. But I do get lonely

mindlessdrifter · M

I feel the same way sometimes but I think it's more of a personality adjustment: being too shy, scared, nervous, abuse issues,etc. Since my divorce and relocation I am resigned to the fact I am not what I want to be. It's a quandary that enters my heart and mind. Maybe you and I are kindred spirits. Don't give up you have a lot to offer and I will always be your support 💖

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@mindlessdrifter aww I will support you as well🌺

This message was deleted by its author.

Vin53 · M

The fact that that person is also putting themselves out there.

Roundandroundwego · 61-69

When you just got dumped by someone hot, the withdrawal.

Iwillwait · M

I don't date. This solves everything.

exchrist · 31-35

I already have hundreds of offspring.

View 1 more replies »

exchrist · 31-35

@AccursedAlexander3 its strange no? Fu(ks with my head alot. Ive contact with none but am aware of many. And ppl are still using my sperm donation.

AccursedAlexander3 · 31-35, M

@exchrist yeah man it’s the strangest. Only one of em calls me dad

exchrist · 31-35

@AccursedAlexander3 ive only ever had any form of contact with two of the many and even that was only in passing. One a son the other a daughter

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

The overthinking is at the core of your issue, probably fueled by the anxiety. I'd suggest just going out with male friends at first to get used to the process, no pressure there at all. Then, if you meet someone you'd like to date, you'll have the experience.

Hate to break this to you, but guys have anxiety too. I am one of them. I've been on meds and gone to therapy for it, because there was no way I was going to let it get in my way. I'm glad I did the work.

The thing you should focus on after that is what happens [i]after[/i] you meet someone, because that is when the real work begins and that is reality.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@uncalled4 I don't have any current male friends to go out with. I used to have two close male friends, but we lost touch in the last few years. :( Unless you meant look for a meetup type thing where I become friends first with someone?
I'm sorry you also have had anxiety. that is so wonderful you did the work.

I have worked on this many years.. but the abuse at my core was so severe, it is VERY very hard to turn it around. But I am not going to give up EVEN though I have been working at this a while now. Because there has to be a time I can actually ever accept myself, flaws and all. But I feel like a giant flaw itself ughhh. I will not give up.

uncalled4 · 56-60, M

@Coralmist Yeah, do a meetup. I'm not a professional, but that's something like exposure therapy.

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