What helps you not put too much pressure on dating?

I simply don't date, b/c I feel SO much PRESSURE. I feel I am not enough (I am working on it a lot). When you have PtSD plus an anxiety disorder that is a good part of your life, you don't exactly feel like men are going to jump to be with you. :( But, it also sucks NEVER, ever dating b/c of it. How can I just look at dating as not so serious and keep overthinking how a guy may leave me? I just want to feel relaxed and look at it as just a fun night, but it is so hard to do b/c I don't know if a guy wants something serious. I need to go slow, and I know many don't. HELP

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Carissimi · F

You have struggled with this for a long time, so why not just stop the struggle? Accept this is you, and how you are because this is what life experience has “gifted” you. Whether dating or not dating, no one can guarantee a guy you get to like will leave you. He may, or may not, but look back on your life experiences. Look back on the experiences of women you know. They all leave at some point (men that is), even if they are with you physically. People “leave” us all the time. You can be married for 25-years, and he’s still “left” you. It’s how it is. It’s rare to find a loyal man, and I’m not just speaking physically loyal, but in his heart and mind. If there is one lesson I learned from my life is that loyalty (from anyone) is a rare thing indeed.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Carissimi Did you mean to accept myself ..issues and all...as far as stop the struggle? If so I do see the good in that because it feels horrible not thinking you are enough for someone, because of issues that came from sadistic abuse I never asked for. It just still feels like I am less than other dates a guy could have, because its are not just a couple flaws I have. It is severe PTSD and very daunting putting myself out there...I feel I don’t deserve love , offering such a tainted person. It sounds toxic to think that way but its very real. I just play it safe and stay single for years because the rejection may come and it will reiterate..see, you're not enough. (But maybe i could flip that, as I read an author said to do in a self help book..and say THEY were not enough)😟

Carissimi · F

@Coralmist Yes accept all of you with your strengths and weaknesses, what you like about yourself, and what you don’t. The whole picture that is You. I speak from experience with PTSD, and the struggle to overcome it, while noble, can be exhausting, and can give you double PTSD. I’m not joking. Even this morning having to make a phone call to sort something out had my whole body trembling. Why? I have no idea. I just know my body goes into “feeling a threat/fear mode,” and I could beat myself up about it, but that would make me feel even worse. I wish my body did not respond like this, but it does. I guess it’s a defense mechanism that has had a lifetime to hone itself because of so many negative experiences that have brought me to my knees so many times. A body, a person, can only take so much hyper and overwhelming experiences, and there is no coming back from it. It’s like trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma until even the slightest challenge or setback will lead to that trigger.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Carissimi Thank you my friend. I think it will be the Only way to get myself out there, is to accept myself FULLY. EVEN with acute PtSD, in which I"m sure some guys will have an issue with. Or think to themselves, they could do better, with someone 'normal'. But I guess that is ok; b/c others have said that will just leave room for the person who WILL be kind, or compassionate. Who WOULD be meant for me. I truly need to stop seeing myself as a low, small, worthless being. I guessif 'I' accept my PTSD and all my shortcomings, then whoever does NOT accept me, it is on them, and just doesn't fit.

I'm so sorry you have also experienced PTSD. It really is just an awful disorder to deal with. And YES, so many little things can trigger it, and then just add MORE trauma or shame to the fire. Then it becomes overwhelming, and that is when I cut myself off socially. And I have for years now. From guys, from friends... it just feels so horrible to think you don't deserve good things b/c of an mental health issue, but it can be a TRUE meanie like that. But it is not US, not our spirit, not our essence. That is the one thing I know deep down, it's just tough to remember it daily. I get very panicked on the phone myself. Not always, but sometimes, and it can make me feel physical symptoms. bigggg hugggs my friend for sharing with me, and know you are not alone. You are a warrior for getting through all these times. 🌸