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How do you let go of loving an addict?

How do you finally cut it off and let yourself heal?
WhateverWorks · 36-40
For me, I had to realize that all the chances I kept giving them was enabling their addiction and toxic behavior, not helping them. Ultimately I realized that if I loved them I had a responsibility to let them go. To not let them go was almost selfish on my part and away. I realize that in order for them to even have a chance of overcoming their addiction I had to let them reap the consequences of their choices. I could still be emotionally supportive, but it was important for me to not be invested anymore (no more bailing them out, no more shielding them, no more honeymoon phase until the next bs).

I also knew there was a high probability that they would seek out other enablers, but that’s some thing I don’t have control over just like I don’t have control over them. Just because I think I love somebody and wanna be with them doesn’t mean I get to decide that they are ready to overcome their addiction, take the long road of recovery, walk away from their unhealthy support system that encourages the addiction, make new friends, resolve their guilt and shame once they are sober, discover healthier coping mechanisms, deal with their probably trauma then choose me without feeling triggered.
RubySoo · 51-55, F
My first love was an addict. I was oblivious, but, after wed been together a few months, he came clean and told me. I was very naive and didnt really understand the emormity of it. He promised to clean up....and he did with help of a good friend of his. But as an addict.. he had lapses. I knew at 20 a life with him would be very hard, and not what i wanted, but, i loved him and wouldnt leave him. For me, fate interveened and during one of his better times he was offered a job in London. He asked me to go with him, but i didnt want to go. Of course, i worried constantly hed lapse, so i couldnt end things. But weeks after hed gone, i was living a better, freer life. I realised how being with him was affecting my own life so the next time i visited him i ended it.
I didnt see him for about 6 years after that, and he was a state. I asked how hecwas...he didnt need to answer, i could see.
He died aged 46 of liver and kidney failure after years of drug abuse.

I cant really give you advice on how to cut yourself off im afraid. I can just tell you that you must for your own good, our you will constantly live under a big black cloud.

Good luck x
You don't. You keep praying for and loving that person whom addiction has gotten hold of, however, you don't have to be around that person if it's ruining your health or other's health. Your first obligation is to stay true to yourself, take good care of yourself, and love and respect yourself enough to say, "That's enough." Then walk away. You don't have to stand by and watch someone destroy themselves and drag you with them.

If I was married to that person, I would tell them, "When you go through rehab, anger management, and stay in counseling until you are completely well and finished with it, then we'll talk. But not until. I won't live like this. I deserve better." Trouble is, women always seem to give in when the person is halfway through and they're begging their wife to come back and everything, and that's the worst thing you could do. That never works. If you love that person, then make sure that person finishes the whole course. But you, and if you have children, deserve better and you need to get away where you're safe and the children don't have to witness this nor be abused. In the end, if you are married, your husband would be grateful to you. But you can't be weak and go back. And it really is best if you move some place where he can't find you until he gets well. Children don't need to be around that. It is dangerous. Otherwise, he'll be crying around and calling you constantly and driving you crazy.
Dan193 · 26-30, M
Just like u get rid of an addiction. You realize that is affecting your wellbeing way too much, so u gotto stop.
Graylight · 46-50, F
By understanding and trusting that the disease of addiction is more than happy to take as many down as possible. You can't help an addict. I wish that weren't true. We are a unique bunch, and we're on a trajectory few others can see or understand. If you give us an inch, we'll take the road. If you give us $10 dollars, we'll ransack your home. If we open our mouths in active addiction, you can be sure anything coming out of it is a lie. It's not that we intend to hurt you, it's that we can't even be truthful with ourselves and who we truly are. Our brains have been robbed of critical decision-making functions.

The addict in your life will walk down one of three roads. Madness, institutions, or death. Or he/she will figure out that this road is never going to lead anywhere good and find sobriety. The point here is that you can't show it to them. They can't see the illuminated path until they removes their own blinders. They need to find their motivation for change and they need most of all not to be enabled. If you keep us alive, we'll only languish more slowly.

Save yourself. Sometimes you're faced with terrible choices. You want to save a drowning man by lifting up onto your life raft, but you know as soon as he gets aboard, he's going to try to slit your throat. This is addiction. Refuse it another victim. Should your loved one find sobriety, you'll be waiting on the other side. Or you'll move on, but you will have saved yourself. Good luck.

You might want to look into Al-anon, but I caution that it's easy to fall into a group characterized by bitterness and complaining. Look for healthy solutions. You might sit in on a couple NA or AA meetings, too. Many of them are open to anyone and it can really lend insight and words to the struggle your loved one might not be able to vocalize. There's help out there. Avail yourself of it and be gentle with yourself.
Harmonium1923 · 51-55, M
I really recommend 12 step family meetings: Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.
JRVanguard · 22-25, M
They need to be willing to change and if they’re not then that’s not fair for you to get dragged down with them
So sorry to hear that that’s happening to you
Hugs friend
Here if you need someone to talk to💙
I’m sure you’re doing everything possible for them but it doesn’t come down to you, it comes down to them💔
TexChik · F
Take the pain and make the cut. In only a few days you will see you did the right thing and feel better not having to live in that hell anymore.
elafina · 31-35, F
It helped me a kind of outdated old book that happened to fall by my bedside, it's called "women who love too much" but it covers a wide variety of experiences
I haven't been in a relationship with one... but my mother is an addict.

I'm keeping my distance for now & hoping that things can change but I don't expect it. I'm just disappointed but I cant let go. Thats my mom 🥺

I suppose with a relationship its a lot different. To be honest with you, I would probably walk away. I would of course still love them but realize that love can't save them. & You cant keep hurting yourself by giving that love.
Leggs · 46-50, F
@ChiefWalksWith40oz The problem with associating with an addict, even if you love them, is this -
When someone is feeding an addiction, it becomes their number one priority.
If things get tight, that is when it gets ugly.

They will not care who they hurt or put in harm's way to feed that addiction. They will try to get anyone they know to "loan" them money or try to get them to break the law even if that is what it takes for them to keep their addiction fed.

You ever seen that movie "menace to society"? The addict who was making O-Dog that romantic offer *probably* would not have done so otherwise.

Double cheeseburgers don't sound too bad though. 🤔

[media=https://youtu.be/QBV38QlmayU]
WaryWitchWandering · 31-35, F
I’m sorry if you’re going through that
th3r0n · 36-40, M
Not sure, didn’t try

I eventually wound up calling CPS on the one who was giving her the drugs because she had kids

Sadly when she wouldn’t abandon me after that the one that was giving her the drugs called CPS on her

So she’s been gone for 4 months but she’s clean
It’s hard because you know it started with something small and grew. It took over their life and you want to help them heal. But you need to care for you first.
Poetvann · 22-25, F
@JackJames I've always been willing to do whatever it takes to help but people will not change if they don't want to and if they're not making any effort themselves then all of mine are just useless and in vain.
@Poetvann my mother has worked with addicts since 1995. I’ve unfortunately learned the hard way that the person needs to want it first. You walking away might be reason enough to want to change however.
Pocketrockets22 · 26-30, M
Maybe you can separate yourself at least for now. If they get to the point where they are trying to help themself then you can step back in and help them through. At least if you have In your head that you will be ready to help again when they are ready you won’t feel so guilty for stepping away. Sounds like you have done what you can and should give yourself credit for your effort rather than feeling guilty because in the end they need to accept the help. Not your fault at all. I wish you both well and good luck!
pentacorn · F
you go through withdrawals, not [i]too unlike[/i] the ones they are avoiding
OldBrit · 56-60, M
Let go with love they say.

I was the addict so I can't say how to do it but sadly several family and friends inadvertently enabled my addiction to continue.

My best advice is to say for both them and you you have to be totally out of thier life. But I don't underestimate how hard that could be.
Poetvann · 22-25, F
@Namor69 not helpful or relevant please take your political b******* somewhere else
RubySoo · 51-55, F
You have to learn to put you first.
Are you in a relationship with an adict yrself?
Poetvann · 22-25, F
@RubySoo yes.
@Poetvann Trust me. Get out. The worst thing you could do is go back when he's halfway through whatever he has to do to get sober. That never works! Never! Then he'll just say "Oh well, here she's back again, so I'll just stop." He has to have a reason and goal to get well. You are going to have to be the stronger person in this case. He won't respect you if you go back when he's only halfway finished. I've seen too many people do that and it never works.
It’s soooo hard. Especially when you know they adore you… they just love the drugs (and/or booze) more. Heartbreaking.
DeluxedEdition · 22-25, F
Love yourself and it becomes easy
iamonfire696 · 36-40, F
I have no relationship with my sister. When she hits rock bottom I will help her then.

 
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