My hoarder roommate’s first generation Italian American friend be like “TROW IT OUT!” every 30 seconds
Pro tip: murder someone by shooting them in the face with a potato gun so it’ll just look like they were really hungry
Unpopular opinion: mole is what would happen if a peanut butter and jelly sandwich won the lottery got drunk and made Itself into a sauce
I’m getting off this shit hole planet, I only have room for one more. Which of you is coming with me? (1)
You want some of these mint, cinnamon, cardamom, allspice, star anise, nutmeg, turmeric, candy coated toasted sesame seeds?
How to sound like you’re from New Jersey Pt 1: add as many unnecessary S and Ws into a sentence as possible
Being a drug addicted is great because you immediately know the source of any problem you have and that it’s the same as the solution
Opiates are cool because one minute you could be painting and the next be painting asleep with your face smushed into the canvas
If Alien could choose her meals she would eat nothing but salami, blueberry muffins, and bits of cat food stuck to the inside of a can
if you suspected your friend’s lover was an incubus and he listened to Incubus would you take it as a green flag or a ploy to confuse?
