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Captainjackass

31-35, M

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My butts itchy

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I still remember that night

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It was about five or so years ago. The stupid alarm at work wouldn’t work that night so I had to be called in. It was just you and me for a few hours, deliriously tired and talking. We had nothing to do but sit around and there wasn’t even anything... See More »

Did you know: Hoover the talking seal

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Hoover was a you g seal pup found by Scottie Dunning in Maine. After finding the mother unfortunately dead he decided to raise it himself and started by putting in the bathtub and feeding it fish which he ate “like a hoover” hence his name. When he... See More »

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Im about to snap

The last few days I suddenly have ants everywhere. I’ve laid down a dozen traps, killed two dozen tonight alone yet they still keep appearing. Now Im getting flies too and I have no idea where they’re all coming from. Im trying to nip this in the bud... See More »

My boobs are sweaty and their not even big.

Those poor ladies.

Too hot 🥵 this title is bot to short

94 degrees out, haven’t slept in 24 hours, how the hell am I supposed to go to the gym today?

Finally fell asleep about half an hour ago

And now woke up to go to work 🫩

So much for a run

Checked the weather on my phone and actually yelled in surprise. How the hell did this happen? No way Im running outside today.

Another thing that annoys me

Tasers do not magically knock you out when they’re used on people. Tasers send an electrical surge through the persons body that is designed to stop them from moving. It doesn’t just make someone faint when used on them, even the more powerful ones.... See More »

What would someone think of you.

Based solely on your Amazon orders.

Wtf is wrong with my body

Im currently in a bulking month and working on increasing mass yet somehow I’ve lost 5 pounds! When I was cutting weight last month I didn’t loose a single pound! Why does my body hate me?

Describe yourself

Using only your search history.

Im dead and weird guy holding a sign

5.10 miles today. However it was interesting, at the spot I was turning around at there was a guy holding a sign. I figured he was another beggar but instead it said “F*CK YOU then said the name of the town mayor. Thats certainly different.

You know what annoys me about tv

They always have gunfights around cars and the cars always stop bullets. In reality a bullet, especially rifle ammo will go right through a cars flimsy metal. Maybe an engine can stop one while being destroyed but otherwise it will shred a car.

Has anyone actually tried to decode the minions language?

Cause I can’t understand them from all the commercials I’ve seen.

I have things I need to do

But she’s asleep on top of my legs and I can’t move.

My new medication certainly works

Insomnias been really bad lately so my psychiatrist prescribed a new medication and it certainly works. I think I just slept about 14 hours and through every alarm I set up. God damn Im exhausted now.

Finally found the source of the smell in the kitchen

A plum had rotted and was all moldy 🤢 idk how as it wasn’t old but it was disgusting.

Movie review: The Autopsy of Jane Doe

The movie was freaking unnerving at the beginning. The first half had a creepy unease to it. Basically this coroner and his son are autopsying the body of a Jane Doe found at a crime scene. The whole thing really gets into you and you can feel the... See More »

Lessoned learned for now

Never eat cherries in bed. It looks like I stabbed someone. I needed to go to the laundromat anyways thankfully. You’d figure I’d learn my lesson with the PB&J but nope.

Just found a new hobby

@mindstruggle @CaptainBard I found new jobs for you!

I love comedy and all

But Im not paying 178$ for a ticket to see Jim Gaffigan. Seriously thats ridiculous, he’s great and all but that much for a single ticket? I’ll just watch him from tv for free.

They read my story

On a podcast I listen to! I feel famous now.

Okay I learned my lesson

Take a bit of extra time before trying to run again. Also pick a better time to go cause it was filled with idiots either on drugs and morons taking pictures of themselves in the mirror. Two types I cannot stand.

An ode to Bexsy

There once was a Bexsy so shy, Who tripped on a pebble and launched through the sky. She tangled in vines, Walked into signs, And somehow got lost without even knowing why. She spilled all her coffee, dropped keys by the score, And once tried to... See More »

What exactly do these do?

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