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Captainjackass

31-35, M

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4252 views · 80 followers · Online: See Last Online »

My butts itchy

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I still remember that night

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It was about five or so years ago. The stupid alarm at work wouldn’t work that night so I had to be called in. It was just you and me for a few hours, deliriously tired and talking. We had nothing to do but sit around and there wasn’t even anything... See More »

Did you know: Hoover the talking seal

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Hoover was a you g seal pup found by Scottie Dunning in Maine. After finding the mother unfortunately dead he decided to raise it himself and started by putting in the bathtub and feeding it fish which he ate “like a hoover” hence his name. When he... See More »

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Can someone please explain to my cat she does not need to constantly climb up here?

She likes to combine her need to be in the highest spot with her desire to chase anything that moves.

Remind me again why I run so much?

7.28 miles and my legs are literally aching. Im exhausted, covered and sweat and feel like death. So why exactly do I do this?

The local burger king had this on its sign

Still no ones noticed

It’s been several days now.

Here have some humor

Awww she deleted me.

A fake profile I was talking to got mad and unmatched me when I asked her how the acting was going. They pretended they didn’t know what I meant and when I told them who the pictures they were claiming to be of really belonged to they unmatched me. B... See More »

That feeling when you stretch

And your back pops 🫠 feels so good.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Guess I just suck at writing

Im on the website that lets you submit to literary agents easily. I just compared my rate to normal members. Normal members send out 44 inquiries and get a 3.6% positive response while I’ve sent out 55 and gotten a 0% response. Guess I just suck,... See More »

Its been a day and still no one’s noticed

Movie review: Hope

This is a South Korean movie. Basically this big ass monster attacks this town and kills everyone and stuff. For the first 30 minutes you don’t actually see the monster just see the chaos slightly out of view as the police chief chases after it.... See More »

I found a website that offers critiques of your writiing

Then I realized to get enough points to submit you need to critique others first. Well this is literally gonna be my job in the future so might as well start now.

Do you hang it forward or backwards?

Your toilet paper?

Since Bexsys not here to do it

* I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y. * I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey… but I turned myself around. * What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated. * I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to... See More »

Good thing no one flirts with me

I need a new bed. This one is far too worn down.

Rub it and give me something cold to drink. 🥺

This is brilliant

I gave this whole 80s thing a shot

I doubt I could get my hair like that though.

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Can you just do all this reading for me?

More than 100 pages this week. I can’t remember the last time I read for pleasure.

I had a nap 😴

I had a dream where @Bexsy told me to shut up brat.

Average wait time is 2 minutes my ass

It’s been twenty and Im still waiting.

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