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Captainjackass

31-35, M

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My butts itchy

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I still remember that night

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It was about five or so years ago. The stupid alarm at work wouldn’t work that night so I had to be called in. It was just you and me for a few hours, deliriously tired and talking. We had nothing to do but sit around and there wasn’t even anything... See More »

Did you know: Hoover the talking seal

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Hoover was a you g seal pup found by Scottie Dunning in Maine. After finding the mother unfortunately dead he decided to raise it himself and started by putting in the bathtub and feeding it fish which he ate “like a hoover” hence his name. When he... See More »

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I was right on the money

When I predicted I wouldn’t sleep again tonight.

When buying an expensive leather chair make sure it doesn’t lean so far back that you keep feeling like you’re about to fall backwards. Im pretty sure I won’t actually fall but it’s getting annoying.

It’s hot 🥵 not its not too bloody short

Now down to 89 degrees. I was so hot at the gym today I got the cold sweats. Well that and I probably didn’t eat enough beforehand.

I have the feeling tonights gonna be sleepless too

Yay insomnia 😒🫩

Have you ever googled your user name on here?

I just did and apparently it’s not that rare.

More than doubled

Just bought groceries, a lot less than usual yet when it gets ringed up it’s over twice what it would have been a week ago. Are we doing great now America? But we need a billion for a pediphiles ballroom.

Say it’s not so

You know what annoys me

When they have big fires on movies and tv shows yet there’s never any smoke. Apparently fire burns without it in these worlds. It’s rarely the fire that kills someone but the smoke it creates that kills them or the oxygen just gets used up and they... See More »

2.11 miles nonstop and I probably could have done more. My back only bugged me a little bit now that Im doing the exercises again. Now that Im finally self treating for my cortisol issues Im finally improving. I used to barely do a mile I was so weak... See More »

All these before and after pics

Do they really expect us to believe they’re real? Half the time they’re obviously two different people who just look slightly similar. The other times they’re obviously either photoshopped or the person has been exercising like crazy for years... See More »

This was a mistake

Im already regretting it

Dieting, exercising my ass off, all that fun stuff for two weeks now

And I’ve gained weight. WTF what do I have to do to lose weight? Im up to 204 lbs now. I exercise at the gym 3 days a week, run 3 days, eat healthy and diet and even take a lot of supplements. What am I doing wrong here?

I WANTED TACOS DAMNIT

I went to the local kfc/taco bell joint in town because for some reason I was dying for tacos. I went there and almost all of the choices were for kfc with only a few choices for taco bell. You know what wasn’t an option on it? God damn tacos. How... See More »

Google docs won’t stop crashing

*takes deep breath in* do not smash the laptop. God this is pissing me off.

I just matched with a fake profile

How should I mess with them?

Just finished reading about 40 pages

And discovered I have to read 40 more 😩 I hate this class.

Comment and I’ll tell you who your true love is.

How the hell is this diet thing supposed to work?

I’ve been on a weight cutting month. Been taking supplements, eating nothing but fruits and vegetables and exercising like crazy but am the exact same weight as before and still have too much fat on me. How the hell do people lose weight?

First the dishwasher now the washing machine

The tube that drains the water from my washing machine broke just now. So now it’s no more dishes and clothes. Great way to start the week.

Will you rub my belly and tell me it will be alright?

I keep feeling sickish when I get out of bed so Im stuck in here and hate it.

What is it about Sundays that make me so lazy?

I just have no energy on them for some reason.

Did you have “the talk” with your parents?

I remember when the old bastard said he wanted to talk to me and I knew it would be about that. I said “yeah Im not doing that” and we never talked about the birds and the bees. Clearly for the best as I was already in health class and he was a... See More »

Why do I need to know all this stuff about social media?

I get it’s necessary for an author these days to be on it but why do I need to know these useless details about all the stupid kind of different ones and the various types of people on it? Besides can’t I just pay someone to do it for me?

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