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Captainjackass

31-35, M

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My butts itchy

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I still remember that night

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It was about five or so years ago. The stupid alarm at work wouldn’t work that night so I had to be called in. It was just you and me for a few hours, deliriously tired and talking. We had nothing to do but sit around and there wasn’t even anything... See More »

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Did you know: Hoover the talking seal

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Hoover was a you g seal pup found by Scottie Dunning in Maine. After finding the mother unfortunately dead he decided to raise it himself and started by putting in the bathtub and feeding it fish which he ate “like a hoover” hence his name. When he... See More »

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There’s a hole in my heart

Where she is. My heart burns for her as my soul aches. Her emerald eyes sparkle with life as her smile is as the sun. Her beauty is of the Venus and her strength of Apollo. Her kindness is a mirror reflecting the world around her. I ache for her,... See More »

Maybe it’s a sign

A bunch of pennies were on the ground outside my apartment. Where would you even get them these days?

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Just ordered oil

5.79$ a gallon. I remember when I thought 2.50$ a gallon was a ripoff. Meanwhile that pederass has made billions. What do you need all this money for? You’ll be dead in a few years and you don’t even spend anything just hoard it. It’s not like your... See More »

Someone figured out boobs finally.

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You’re welcome ☺

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Sw Halloween party?

What are you dressing up as?

This new preworkout powder is so gross

It was supposed to be top of the line and caffeine free and all the reviews said it tasted okay. It does not. It is very gross 🤢.

There goes my plans

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Is there something about my car?

That just screams to tailgate me? I got tailgated 3 times today two of them could have just gone around and one eventually passed on a double solid line. I can’t seem to drive anywhere lately without someone driving five feet behind me.

Should I put shirtless pics of myself on my dating profile?

Or maybe a picture of some poor dead animal I killed to prove how manly I am. I’m trying to be the biggest douchebag I can now.

Who thought this was a good idea?

It apparently has actual syrup inside too.

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I have a headache 🤕

Make it go away!

Weird coincidence

I was about two miles into my run when a cop approached me. Apparently I matched the description of a guy wearing all black carrying a backpack who had threatened to blow up w comcast. Which doesn’t make any sense as there’s nothing even related to... See More »

Great view today

I’ve lived in the area 11 years now and yet I’ve never ever gone down a local trail in the area. Today I decided to change that.

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Found this on my local news

A New Hampshire groundskeeper lived in an empty trailer and mowed lawns; after his death, town discovered he had donated $3.8 million to support education, health and recreation TOI World Desk | TIMESOFINDIA.COM | Oct 6, 2026, 18:22 IST A New... See More »

Douche of the day #13

Today’s douche is this loser named John Falcone I recently found out about. He’s in his fifties and spent most of his life living with his mom because he can’t afford his own place. He wants to be an actor but because he has no talent or training... See More »

Ugh dating when your unattractive is so hard

Literally the last five people I’ve talked to got angry when I pointed out their stolen photos. Seems thats the only people who have any interest me. They need to make an app that doesn’t immediately show your photos or lets you blur them. I’m sick... See More »

Me in a nuthshell

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Basically how all my relationships end

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My business cards arrived today!

Im now official! Kinda pissed though as I thought the entire card would be used but it’s only a small section with the rest blank.

Also I should never run in gray sweatpants again. My butt looks like I sat in a puddle.

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Ever have a dream so intense

You wake up and can’t remember who you actually are for a few minutes?

Should I post a picture of myself?

Im wearing gray sweatpants 😏

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