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I Am A Caregiver To My Spouse

I have been struggling a lot lately as I am getting so worn out. I find myself regretting that I promised my wife that I would stay with her until the end. Of course, I am not going to give up on her, I would never do that. But I am very burnt out lately and need a break, I just don't know how to get that break. She isn't too demanding, most times she is easy to care for. But it is also very frustrating at times as well. She qualifies for a lot of personal care but she doesn't want that, she only feels comfortable with me caring for her. I suppose I've been doing such a good job that I've made it so others are not good enough for her. At least that is what I keep telling myself to try to stay positive. It's been a struggle for me either way though and I know it is only going to keep getting worse.

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OldArkie · 80-89, M

gmatthewb I was warned about that... shadowing, they called it. My wife lost her memory from a CVA (stroke) and her mid stage Alzheimer's only compounds the problem. Her memory is gone from before we married and she doesn't remember anything about our life together and only knows I m her sole caregiver and has become completely dependent on me for virtually everything. If I have to go to doctor, our son comes while I'm gone. She barely /knows him as he seldom comes. I have been in this situation, progressively worse, for 15 years or so, and even though I am now 84, my health is fairly good and I am able to handle my (our) situation pretty well. I have learned that being mean or sharp with her for one of her regular mishaps or spills, does nothing but upset me and she forgets in 5 minutes anyway. I have told her (and myself) that I will care for her at home as long as we both can endure it and my health lasts. I am often told I should put her in a nursing home for my own good, and I know they are right, but my conscience won't let me. My biggest concern is her hygiene and I give her a sponge bath as often as I can but she needs it weekly or more. She doesn't like to change clothes and I have to insist on it... She is 2 years my senior, but her health seems really good, despite several abnormalities. Writing to my friends and swapping miseries with others is my only diversion, and she resents it when I open my laptop. (She isn't getting my full attention). But it feels good to swap stories with others. Good luck to you.

GeniUs · 56-60, M

I can understand how your other half feels and know from my partner who works in care that many 'carers' are anything but that. As it is a low paid job it tends to be occupied by people who can't get jobs elsewhere and will do the bare minimum, some point blank refuse to do certain aspects of the job. If you can get a good carer your wife will be comfortable with them and will probably look forward to the time they have together, older carers tend to be (not guaranteed) better.

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gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@Fernie There are more good support workers than bad ones as you pointed out. I've seen both. With my wife's illness her joints need to be worked daily, few times a day ideally. When the therapist was in to show a group of workers what they needed to do, a few of them (in front of their manager who was also there) said they would not be willing to do what was needed because they didn't want to risk injuring themselves. Like with most professions, the bad workers make the most noise and those are the ones that bring down the reputation of the career.

GeniUs · 56-60, M

@Fernie I think the story that @gmatthewb is telling us is more than enough proof that he isn't finding the 'wonderful' care givers.
@gmatthewb I can only suggest that you try and get the same care worker each time (I'd go older and female obviously) so they can try and build an affinity with each other, it won't happen over night but it does tend to get there eventually. My partner always goes in cheerfully and remains so irrespective of what she faces during the day (then I get it in the ear when she gets home!) And that helps raise the spirits of whoever she works with.

gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@GeniUs There are three workers that my wife looks forward to seeing, others she has put on 'do not book' because their personality doesn't work with my wife. Unfortunately, those three workers are in high demand because they are so good so it is limited as to when they are able to come. My main issue is that even if one of those three good workers could come here for 4 hours to watch over my wife, I would still have to be here anyway. If my wife needed to go to the bathroom, I'm the one who has to help her get up. Or she has to dirty herself and wait for me to come home again to clean her as the workers can't even roll her over in bed.

Fernie · F

I don't care how sick she is...tell her she is being incredibly selfish and you need help! What is the point of caring for her as the resentment builds? "I find myself regretting that I promised my wife that I would stay with her until the end. " That is profound. You have to be strong and firm about this and tell her you are out of gas but want her to be well cared for...you can't do it alone anymore...use the word "selfish" because it is. Don't continue on alone out of guilt...it will not end well.

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gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@Fernie I'm doing my best, partially use this site to vent. I'm not the kind of person that opens up to people easily though.

Fernie · F

@gmatthewb Too bad you don't open up...it is incredibly healing. At least you can vent here.

gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@Fernie My plan all along has been to start therapy after my wife passes, to help with that along with my depression that I have had for most of my life. I've tried and failed in the past to get help, so going to try again.

Shayla · F

I really hope you reach out to the people close to you. Being a caregiver is a big job and everyone deserves a little time off for themselves occasionally.

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Fernie · F

@gmatthewb if she is eligible for services then you have to force her to accept help

gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@Fernie If I force her to accept help she doesn't want to, then she may choose to end her life sooner. Then I will feel very guilty about that, not sure I could live with myself in that situation.

Fernie · F

@gmatthewb That would be her choice. I know some of her resistance to strangers helping probably has to do with her weight...embarrassing...but you could be doing this alone for a long time and yeah, you'll have less guilt but perhaps lots of resentment too. You're in a very difficult situation with lots of catch 22's. At least have a serious, calm and loving conversation about it with her. No matter the outcome.

Cloud7593 · 46-50, F

She's being a little selfish not letting you have a break and let others care for her. Just hang in there. It'll get better.

Fernie · F

@Cloud7593 how will it get better if he is the only caretaker and is burnt out?

Cloud7593 · 46-50, F

@Fernie I'm just trying to be supportive.

11knaves11 · 41-45, M

I'm hoping you can find strength my friend. I commend you for sticking thru it. Best wishes, *stay strong*

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