Only logged in members can reply and interact with the post.
Join SimilarWorlds for FREE »

I Am A Caregiver To My Spouse

I have been struggling a lot lately as I am getting so worn out. I find myself regretting that I promised my wife that I would stay with her until the end. Of course, I am not going to give up on her, I would never do that. But I am very burnt out lately and need a break, I just don't know how to get that break. She isn't too demanding, most times she is easy to care for. But it is also very frustrating at times as well. She qualifies for a lot of personal care but she doesn't want that, she only feels comfortable with me caring for her. I suppose I've been doing such a good job that I've made it so others are not good enough for her. At least that is what I keep telling myself to try to stay positive. It's been a struggle for me either way though and I know it is only going to keep getting worse.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

GeniUs · 56-60, M

I can understand how your other half feels and know from my partner who works in care that many 'carers' are anything but that. As it is a low paid job it tends to be occupied by people who can't get jobs elsewhere and will do the bare minimum, some point blank refuse to do certain aspects of the job. If you can get a good carer your wife will be comfortable with them and will probably look forward to the time they have together, older carers tend to be (not guaranteed) better.

gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@GeniUs That's kind of the situation, the personal support workers have refused to do some things. Mainly due to not wanting to hurt themselves. With my wife being a large woman, it is a struggle for me to roll her onto her side. Even when a worker gives my wife a bed bath, I have to be there to hold her arms and legs in specific positions so she can be washed as well as roll her over. The worker just isn't strong enough to do it. They would need three of them just to get her into the cradle for the lift to get her out of bed whereas I can get her out of bed without using the lift.

Fernie · F

@GeniUs could you be any less helpful? There are wonderful caretakers out there! He does not need to be discouraged...he needs to get help

GeniUs · 56-60, M

Can't you assist plus one carer or don't they allow that? (I'm guessing you are in the US, my partner works in the UK and as long as a prior agreement is reached it's ok to have family members assist.

GeniUs · 56-60, M

@Fernie well I could lie but that will only make the situation worse. It's tough enough when a care agency promises you everything you want and immediately start failing to deliver as soon as they have your money.

Fernie · F

@GeniUs No...you went right to the worst scenario...not at all helpful. SO negative. He does not need that! Again, there are more wonderful caretakers, PCA's out there than bad ones.

gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@GeniUs I'm in Canada actually. I do assist all the support workers when they come to the house, I have to since they can no longer understand what my wife says any more.

gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@Fernie There are more good support workers than bad ones as you pointed out. I've seen both. With my wife's illness her joints need to be worked daily, few times a day ideally. When the therapist was in to show a group of workers what they needed to do, a few of them (in front of their manager who was also there) said they would not be willing to do what was needed because they didn't want to risk injuring themselves. Like with most professions, the bad workers make the most noise and those are the ones that bring down the reputation of the career.

GeniUs · 56-60, M

@Fernie I think the story that @gmatthewb is telling us is more than enough proof that he isn't finding the 'wonderful' care givers.
@gmatthewb I can only suggest that you try and get the same care worker each time (I'd go older and female obviously) so they can try and build an affinity with each other, it won't happen over night but it does tend to get there eventually. My partner always goes in cheerfully and remains so irrespective of what she faces during the day (then I get it in the ear when she gets home!) And that helps raise the spirits of whoever she works with.

gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@GeniUs There are three workers that my wife looks forward to seeing, others she has put on 'do not book' because their personality doesn't work with my wife. Unfortunately, those three workers are in high demand because they are so good so it is limited as to when they are able to come. My main issue is that even if one of those three good workers could come here for 4 hours to watch over my wife, I would still have to be here anyway. If my wife needed to go to the bathroom, I'm the one who has to help her get up. Or she has to dirty herself and wait for me to come home again to clean her as the workers can't even roll her over in bed.