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I Am A Caregiver To My Spouse

I have been struggling a lot lately as I am getting so worn out. I find myself regretting that I promised my wife that I would stay with her until the end. Of course, I am not going to give up on her, I would never do that. But I am very burnt out lately and need a break, I just don't know how to get that break. She isn't too demanding, most times she is easy to care for. But it is also very frustrating at times as well. She qualifies for a lot of personal care but she doesn't want that, she only feels comfortable with me caring for her. I suppose I've been doing such a good job that I've made it so others are not good enough for her. At least that is what I keep telling myself to try to stay positive. It's been a struggle for me either way though and I know it is only going to keep getting worse.

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Fernie · F

I don't care how sick she is...tell her she is being incredibly selfish and you need help! What is the point of caring for her as the resentment builds? "I find myself regretting that I promised my wife that I would stay with her until the end. " That is profound. You have to be strong and firm about this and tell her you are out of gas but want her to be well cared for...you can't do it alone anymore...use the word "selfish" because it is. Don't continue on alone out of guilt...it will not end well.

gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@Fernie I've thought about doing just as you said a number of times. I just can't say something like that to someone who is going to die soon anyway. She may choose to end her life in the next 6 months, so would it not be selfish of me to tell her that I can't keep doing this for that long? Yes, she is being selfish. No question about that. But maybe someone who is terminal is allowed to be selfish.

Fernie · F

@gmatthewb die soon? You didn't say that in your details. How soon? Any minute? No one knows? I have been where you are...you have a right to some respite. You have to take care of yourself and stop feeling so guilty. You've been doing all the right things so you don't have to feel guilty about wanting help. I still say talk straight to her...you're exhausted on all levels

gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@Fernie She has ALS, about 80% of anyone who gets ALS has 2-5 years to live. This November will be 5 years since she started showing symptoms. She has everything arranged for medical assistance in death, so she just has to give them word when she doesn't want to live any more. For the past year she has been 100% dependant. As for how soon, it is all up to her. She has asked me a bunch of times now when I think she should call it quits, that isn't something I can answer for her.

Fernie · F

@gmatthewb Based on that I guess you'll have to deal with it the way you have been. It seems it WILL end soon. It's an impossible situation for you and I am so sorry. At least find some support for yourself if you don;t have it...like someone to at least vent to when it gets to be too much...a therapist? A support group for caretakers...they are everywhere. Take care of yourself!

gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@Fernie I'm doing my best, partially use this site to vent. I'm not the kind of person that opens up to people easily though.

Fernie · F

@gmatthewb Too bad you don't open up...it is incredibly healing. At least you can vent here.

gmatthewb · 51-55, M

@Fernie My plan all along has been to start therapy after my wife passes, to help with that along with my depression that I have had for most of my life. I've tried and failed in the past to get help, so going to try again.