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I Am Craving Physical Contact

OK, so I'm 56 years old and have been married for nearly 35 years. Problem is, the last 10 years of my union with my dear wife have been almost entirely devoid of intimate contact. The last 6 years has been a complete dry spell.

I have tried talking with her about this but it pretty much always comes back to her same response: "I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested in that anymore." It is frustrating because she just does not seem to want to even try to make it any better.

I guess I could understand her disinterest if I were hateful or abusive or a slovenly couch potato type, but I have worked very hard to take care of myself. And I more than hold up my end when it comes to the day-to-day stuff around home. I feel very much unappreciated but I'm afraid I'm way too old to consider divorce.

Anybody got any suggestions?
Enough excuses. I have read the comments. Sexless Marriage forum was the largest group on EP. Do you know that not one single person who has left their sexless marriage has ever regretted it? I am one of the many who left. I am happier now than before. Cost me severely in terms of finances, etc. I have been free for 5 years this March coming. I spent years thinking it was first my fault, then realizing it was his. All those years wasted. Time is something you cannot magically get back. I have an amazing adult son and valuable lessons. There are many in those sinking boats like you. Can you exist the rest of your life like this or do you want to live? Only you can answer that question. Because when you take your last precious breath on this fine earth, you will be the one who is already dead long before. If she cared for you, if she loved you, she would do something to change the circumstances. She is a refuser who knows you will not leave. Easy peasy for her. Not good for you. You always have choices. Choose wisely. Withholding intimacy is a form of abuse. Tell her that and watch her become angry at the truth.
Spartan92 · 61-69, M
@PoetryNEmotion I have told her that and, yes she became angry and even said, "How dare you!" I sometimes wish I was brave as you and had the nerve to leave. But despite everything, I have always prided myself on being a man of my word and that includes my marriage vows. Even if she's not living up to the part where we said, "to have and to hold."

Also, I guess I have seen too many men leave their marriage only to step into a second relationship that was just as bad or worse than the first. The good news is that pretty much everything else in our life together is great or at least tolerable. But this complete lack of sex and intimacy makes a guy feel pretty low.
@Spartan92 The truth hurts. She is an abuser. I couldn't exist that way anymore. I will live a great many years still. What could be worse than remaining in a cold relationship til death claimed one of us? Nothing! Well, she needn't worry then. She has you right where she wants you. She broke the vows-you said that, not me.
And regarding your second comment? It is not about stepping into another relationship. It is about discovering who you are meant to be. That is real happiness. If one finds another to love, it is a bonus. And having secured freedom, one becomes more selective about having someone in their life. Then I imagine you will have decades of feeling low, my friend. I wish you luck. If you ever decide to be free, let me know and we can chat. I wish you peace.
life is to short. sit down and talk to her about how you feel. Then if things dont change leave
@nevergiveup Then you are one in a million. Good for you. Refusers are not known to change. They are selfish people who mostly care on what pleases them. How a person can cut off intimacy to another they claim to love is heinous. Good day.
@PoetryNEmotion I sat down and talked to her and told her all my feelings. She said she cared about me but did not love me any more. She kissed me and we went to bed. I was like making love to a blow up doll there was no feelings or wanting she did not even cum. i left 2 days latter
@nevergiveup I am glad that you left her. One shouldn't stay with someone who doesn't love them nor with someone who just lays there without emotion or feeling. Freedom is the best thing. After you work on yourself and your happiness, you can open your heart to a love that is better. Good fortune to you.
GrinNude · 61-69, C
Ask her if she minds you having a 'fuck buddy' or a friend with benefits. What have you got to lose by asking?
GrinNude · 61-69, C
If she doesn't agree, then you could tell her that you don't need her permission to fulfil your basic human needs such as food, drink, shelter and intimacy...
@GrinNude As if she could be any more colder to him than she is now...
Spartan92 · 61-69, M
@GrinNude I would do that if I could find one. I have looked around on several web sites and various other places. All the gals I've talked to tell me the same thing: I'm a nice guy but they don't want to get involved with a married man. They're wanting a young single man that drives a Ferrari or something. Some I have run across on here or Experience Project were a long way off. It seems not too many gals (at least none that I have found) are online here in Missouri. Since I haven't found a willing FWB I haven't even said anything to the wife.
Spartan92 · 61-69, M
Tonight I went to a local watering hole where they were having an "ABC" party (Anything But Clothes). The flyer for the party prudently advised that "naughty bits must be covered". Well, there was a young lady there that had her naughty bits covered, but just barely (i.e. pasties and a g-string). Considering the group that we're all a part of you can imagine the difficultly I had maintaining my composure and keeping my eyes anywhere else. Damn, women make this so difficult. Maybe I should look for a monastery somewhere.
Loretta78 · 46-50, F
@Spartan92 For a monastery - or for a divorce... 🤔
Docdon23 · M
same here...I visit tantra teachers, do yoga and the gym and meditate, masturbate a lot, and look for other things we have in common...and keep trying
Loretta78 · 46-50, F
@Docdon23 As I said it before: It's YOUR life and happiness - and also YOUR wife's life and happiness.

I hope you'll find a good and right way out of that situation.
Docdon23 · M
@Loretta78 thank you--an I hope you find peace and happiness as well...we all deserve it...
Loretta78 · 46-50, F
@Docdon23 You are very welcome! 🤗
Lochlee · 51-55, F
It is not normal behaviour, and by this I mean something must be causing it. Might she have a hormonal imbalance? I know increased progesterone (that was an ingredient of some contraceptives) had that effect on women. She is not being fair to you, sex is an important part of a relationship, and can only be "foregone" if BOTH want it that way. I don't quite know what to suggest, perhaps you could insist on some form of intimacy and hope she "comes around". But as an outsider, I don't know how open you are discussing things and how open she would be to getting medical/psychological help. Best wishes.
Spartan92 · 61-69, M
@Lochlee Thanks for the suggestions, but those have been tried/considered. She refuses to try any kind of hormone therapy because she insists (I think she is wrong) that a family member of hers tried that and it "caused her to get cancer." A few years ago she went to a (woman) doctor and they initially said they found some kind of lump or tumor in or near her female organs. I thought that this might be the source of the problem so I had hopes it could be treated. On a follow-up visit about a month later the doctor did not find anything and told her, "there is nothing wrong with you. You're fine and perfectly healthy."

I thought, great! So does having a zero-libido classify as healthy! So what it comes down to is she doesn't see anything wrong with our current situation. She is perfectly OK with it. But then she isn't the one that sees anything missing.
SW-User
-Never too old for divorce or for marriage... troubles are others in your country, I know, I understand why people there stay together when they don´t really appreciate it...
megrose · 56-60, F
I'm sad to hear about your situation. Does she simply not care at all how you feel? I'm sorry.
Spartan92 · 61-69, M
@megrose I think she cares, but not enough to really do anything about it. She tries to compensate by being nice, cooking, and wanting to eat out and talk. I'm nice back because I'm a decent enough guy to know that raising hell about it and being a jerk is not going to help. But (and I've told her this before), her being a nice, pleasant housemate is not enough. Still nothing changes.
whatalife68 · 70-79, M
@Spartan92 I am living that life. We live as roommates with no sex or intimacy. Her doctor says there are no issues, she is healthy, but for over 15 years there has been zero intimacy. She just has no interest. As a hopeless romantic, Have tried many things to get her to respond but to no avail. We live as brother/sister. She does have mental health issues and takes meds to help her feel better. She is content keeping life just as it is even knowing how much I crave intimacy, didn't say sex, but the touching, kissing, caressing, cuddling and maybe slow dancing. I feel or you and your situation, but you are not alone.
Spartan92 · 61-69, M
@whatalife68 Yeah, I used to be on Experience Project back when it was still active. There was a group called "I Live in a Sexless Marriage" and probably 90% of the members of that group were men. I was surprised to see that some of the relationships had become sexless in as little as 5 years or less. I guess in a 35-year marriage I should expect a little less activity. But at least something would be kind of nice.
Fussybear · 31-35, F
Recall the things you did that used to make her want to be intimate with you, and make her fall for you all over again unless there's something distressing her. In that case try helping her overcome first.
Hopefulangel123 · 51-55, F
Spartan92 · 61-69, M
@Hopefulangel123 Thanks, I really was needing that right now. Hugs from Missouri <3.
Loretta78 · 46-50, F
I was never married. At least not legally. And so I don't have any suggestions for you.

But I am very sorry for your situation. :-(
tamilguy · M
try to seduce yo wife first.

 
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