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I Was In A Toxic Relationship

As a kid, I always imagined that a broken heart was a joke and that people were exaggerating. I now realize that it hurts bad. It hurts like a *****.

This post is a rant.

I've reached a point where I'm done with relationships and trusting people altogether.

I don't get one thing though. Why hurt and play with a person who did nothing to you? My ex burned 4 years of my life. I thought she was the one and got in a long distance relationship with her to realize that I was never loved at all at the end of 4 years. I was dumped a million times in 4 years but I never left her side. I never wanted to see her hurt and despite everything I fought to be with her but at the end of 4 years this is what I was told "Our Interests are different. I tried working out with you but I guess I can't do it anymore." Wow that after 4 f****** years. The irony is she only stayed with me because her ex and I shared the same race but I was just the unsuitable replacement.

Well I still tried to be with her and she left me as she didn't want me anymore. I tried working it out despite her ghosting me. But I had to drop it when I realized she didn't want me anymore.

Since she didn't want me anymore. I stayed out. You think she'd let me be happy? Nope. She wished me on my birthday for no reason. Again I ignored her to keep my sanity. She still wouldn't stop. She apologized for the "way she left me" because she was "hurt". I ignored her again to just get a call from her. She goes back to being lovey dovey and tells me she loves me to just dump me again the next f****** day. That was the best start of 2020 tbh. Just when I was getting better, I got presented with that.

Now 6 months after that, I got a bit better. Despite having panic attacks and anxiety attacks, I was getting a bit better. Not a lot but some progress from the last one. She contacts me again to "talk". She tells me that she married a few months after leaving me and texted me when "I love you" in January after her abusive husband was beating her. Ironically she texted me in a lovey dovey manner at that time and even during her birthday when she was with him. Yet I am the idiot who wished her.

Seriously F*** me. I'm done with all of this shit altogether. Thanks for f****** me all over again. I hope you stay happy for the way you love breaking me. F*** you.
I don't blame you for being angry. Who wouldn't?!! I had the same happen. I grieved a long time, and I mean hard. And for what? That idiot? Not worth the breath to say "Good riddance!" "Why did we wait so [i]long[/i]?" should be the question. Because we refused to tell ourselves [u]the truth[/u]! It wasn't about me in the first place. It wasn't about you! These people had problems BEFORE meeting us. We refused to recognize that this [i]thing[/i] never WAS emotionally available! They would have done this to anyone! That's why it wasn't about us. That's just what they DO. They have [b]no[/b] conscience and they could care less who they hurt. They are Narcissists! They do not think like you do. They are only out to use people, but they can only do that, if let them. Yet....we weren't aware. We were HOPING someone would be DECENT enough, to tell us the truth. We refused to give up the idea that things will get better and work out; that they "really [b]do[/b] love us". Nonsense. Tell yourself the truth. These morons can't hurt us unless we allow it. Four years wasted on that "thing". We just refused to accept the red flags and signals, and take off our rose-colored glasses. They are incapable of knowing or understanding the meaning of love. They are nothing but users.

Let me tell you why you're heartbroken. These idiots are not worth pining over or grieving over, even one minute, given they played us along. I regret crying over that person for even a half-second. Not worth your time, trust me. After grieving very hard for a year and 2 months, years ago, I wasn't sure I would make it. My heart was totally broken, but then it dawned on me what I was grieving over. I wasn't grieving over that [b]person[/b]. Not at all. You must always tell yourself the truth. What was it [b]really[/b], because these type people truly are not worth one teardrop.

I was not grieving over losing that person. No!! I was grieving over all the bare-face lies and deceit! Time out of my life that was wasted on that idiot. I wasn't grieving over losing [b]him[/b]. I was grieving over what I [b]THOUGHT[/b] I had!! Only to find out he lied. It does have a way of messing with your mind, [i]if you let it.[/i] At first, it is a shock. You can't believe someone could be so deceitful and such a liar. Then you feel like a fool and that's hard to heal over, as well. But sooner or later, it starts to make sense. IF you're willing to look at and tell yourself the truth....not what you [b]want[/b] things to look like or be.

Remember...that woman can only take what you [b]allow[/b] her to take. Do yourself a huge favor. Brush yourself off, stand up straight, and never look back. Why should you continue to suffer over someone so thoughtless and unavailable? Don't allow her to steal one more second of your time or heart, because I can guarantee you....she sure isn't crying or worried one bit about if you're suffering or hurt right now. She's not suffering one bit over this, so why give her the power to influence another minute of your time and life? You're so much bigger than this. It happens. We learn. Don't you dare beat yourself up over this, either. She deceived and lied to you. Not the other way around. You were good enough to trust she wouldn't hurt you. She did. That's on her, not you. You only do better....when you [b]know better.[/b] It's when you give her the power to keep you miserable, that's unhealthy. Refuse to stay victimized by her. Get rid of all traces of her. If she's given space in your head, your heart, your life, you are still allowing her to victimize you. She's not suffering one bit. You are. You're the only one suffering, so take back your power, move on now, and live life. Don't make it bigger in your head, than it is. We made a mistake. We made a bad choice. Nothing more. Big deal. Not our fault. Now time to move on. Not live in the dead past. Now you know better. When you know better, you do better. It's not what we lose in life. It's what we do with what we have [b]left[/b], that counts, and you've got plenty of life left to make it count, big time. One rotten apple doesn't make the whole bunch bad. Just be careful which one you choose! The best thing you can do in life, is to live your life out happily, in spite of the bumps in the road. They can be your friend, if you're willing to learn from them. And if you should decide to love again, which you certainly should, never bring that baggage with you. Pitch it to the curb, where it belongs, and take care of anger issues before getting involved again. If you don't, you will be much too distrustful and controlling, to what may be a very sweet person, and ruin that relationship, making her miserable. Not everyone is out to get us! Don't stay defensive or bitter. Just make better choices in the future. You can let that experience make you bitter....or better. The choice is up to you, and affects your quality of life.
@Beatbox34 Don't feel bad at all. You'd be surprised at how many this happens to. Yes, I was this way, too. I was seeing some signs, but refused to believe they were there and didn't want them to be there, so I brushed them off, even blaming myself for perhaps being too demanding or maybe too sensitive, but the truth is the truth. We didn't lose a thing. You can't lose what you never had. Yeh, we knew. Our heart just didn't want to believe someone could be so insensitive and cruel. So indifferent and not mean what they said. No. They were never worth it to us nor worthy of all our love, the way they treated us.

And yes. You definitely will heal, but I'm happy to hear you're not rushing that. It takes time, but you definitely will heal. Then you'll look back, like me, and say, "Whut????? What was I [b]thinking????[/b] She's [b]nothing!![/b] And actually laugh. What did I SEE in her????" 😂😂😂😂

You deserve so much more and the Lord will bless you with someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. So? A good lesson we learned. It's only a tragedy when we DON'T learn, and we DON'T choose carefully. The Lord was sparing us from a miserable life with the wrong person. Even MORE heartaches. Instead....you can get excited about that special girl the Lord has for you, who is out there looking for you, just as you're looking for her. In God's timing. Get excited about what she looks like, how much fun you'll have, and how in love you will be. You've a lot to look forward to. God's richest blessings as you do, but as you are ready. You're right. There's no need to rush. Way to go!!! I'm proud of you!! 🙌 🙏🏼 🤗 Always keep Him first and you won't go wrong.
Beatbox34 · 31-35, M
@LadyGrace Jesus is my all. I did the blunder of trusting in world than him.

The thing is he's the one who'll protect me from all of this. I have to just keep faith in him in the darkest of days.

I will get out of it eventually and I'm cutting all ties with her this day. I don't think it's even right to go on with her at all anymore.
@Beatbox34 I believe you. That's right, but you didn't cause this, so don't beat yourself up. You had no way of knowing this person was a deceiver. I thank God he showed you her true colors. We all wish to think the best of people. She just wasn't trustworthy. I commend you. I was only trying to help you sort it all out.
What bothers victims of narcissists the most, is that narcissists NEVER give you closure. First, you are "groomed" or "conditioned" unbeknownst to the victim. So it truly never is, your fault. It's like a black widow spider. Luring her lover in, with intentions of using him, and killing him. In our case, the aim is to take complete control over the emotions and mind, and they are great liars. They know exactly what they're doing. Then they play with your emotions until you think you're mad. SOME never escape the web, too damaged to comprehend what happened to them, and sadly are never emotionally strong enough to leave, and become permanently co-dependant. They drain you dry. Emotionally and financially, at times. You lose yourself completely. Everything is your fault, according to them. You can do no right. All part of the programming. I've seen it happen. Oblivious to the deep programming. So forget closure or answers of WHY they did it or what you did wrong. They cannot tell you what you did "wrong" because you DID NO WRONG. They do this same thing with every victim. Their "charm" unmatched. So no closure from them, but you don't NEED closure with or from them. Closure is not something you GET in this case. It is something you MAKE!! YOU make closure by ending it all, taking back your power, AND never having anything to do with them, in ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. THAT hurts them the most. Because the moment their head lifts from their pillow in the morning, trust me, they are looking for their FIX, and if it isn't you, they'll be sure and find another, YET try their best to keep you on their line, too. They live for their fix! And they NEVER, NEVER, CHANGE, so don't even entertain that idea. They may weep, and say they're sorry, but they're ONLY SORRY THEY'VE LOST CONTROL OF YOU. THEY ARE [b]INCAPABLE[/b] OF LOVE. Their definition of love, is CONTROL. NEVER FORGET THAT!! They are forever emotionally unavailable. They don't WANT to change. Their alter-ego has overtaken them and it will not ALLOW them to give in and love. They love themselves and that's it. They are sociopaths. Incapable of loving, and have NO FEELINGS. That's why many become stalkers and serial killers. They think nothing of killing someone. Their "high" is from the control...never love.
Beatbox34 · 31-35, M
@LadyGrace You just spoke about what she did. I kept telling her that I was leaving and yet she listened to all the insults I hurled at her. She then went ahead to defend her deadbeat husband to tell me she wants him. On questioning her as to why she contacted me then, her exact response was this "you're the ex boyfriend and a good friend of mine now."

That's so messed up. She kept on telling me how much she wants him knowing that it would hurt me constantly. I told her I'm going off and nope she didn't stop. This person is absolutely a narcissist and has some serious issues. She goes on to tell me that if she can't have him then she's gonna hookup with people of his race. That was absolutely disgusting to hear. I immediately left off and deleted my social media. I can't handle anymore of this filth.
The only thing that drives a victim of narcissism absolutely MAD, is the never ending circling of the question WHY, in their mind. There's only one answer. Because that's what narcissists do. No other reason. Accept that, or go mad. That's just what they do, because that's the way they're wired.
Beatbox34 · 31-35, M
@LadyGrace I agree with you that she's one. I've finally declared that she has mental issues that need to be checked out.

She kept telling me how much she wanted her abusive husband and went on to the gross details. I decided to walk away and to do that I deleted the social media I used to text her altogether.
[quote]What I don't understand is why would she leave me and pick up when she pleased? I can't get over the fact that she told me I love you despite dating that guy and marrying him.[/quote]


Remember. They don't [b]know[/b] what real love is. [b]Their[/b] definition of love, is control. It's all about control. Manipulation. They get their high from it.
rckt148 · 61-69, M
I feel ya ,,
I refused to speak to my ex for 7 yrs (it took her 8 yrs to get up the courage to face me )
When I finally agreed to speak with her so we could attend a family event together I knew I was risking going back to square one .
We go out ,hug and kiss ,she tells me she never stopped loving me for a second .
Tells me what a huge mistake she made ,asking how can I still love her after the way she did me ,she wants me back .
But I am scared ,I don't want to be crushed again .
And just when I am ready to ask her to marry me and leave the jerk ,
She says ,I need to give him one more chance ,for his kids sake .

I want her to be happy ,but I knew I should have left this alone .
What if he wakes up to what a great woman he is loosing
and actually steps up and starts acting like a Dad to his kids ?

She works all the time but has nothing ,if she wants to see her family she needs someone to give her gas money .buys prepaid phone cards .

She never worked when she was with me ,she had a phone that cost me $180,00 a month ,I seen she was at every family event ,hers and mine .
I helped her parents when they needed help ,I worked on their cars and homes .
and now she says she wants me back ,but will feel guilty if she does not at least give him a chance ,she left him before .

I hope I have not messed up by seeing her ,she gave me hope we would end up back together .she didn't give me a chance to fix things (well she kind of did )
But I feel ya ,nothing hurts like a broken heart .
I have been shot ,stabbed ,my face kicked apart ,back surgery ,a power tool cut a trench into my leg requiring surgery ,burned to the bone .
I would endure all of that at one time ,to never endure a broken heart again .
Beatbox34 · 31-35, M
@rckt148 I really do agree. I've dealt with more pain. I have been in accidents and have broken a bone. But this got to me. I ended up broken last year. I had times where I couldn't breathe and I was completely depressed. This affected me more than anything ever did in my life.

I guess I underestimated the pain of a broken heart.

I'm sorry to hear you had to deal with all that. I hope nobody has to deal with this.
Here's the "why" of things, if you [b]must know[/b]. Because she was a narcissist.
Ryannnnnn · 31-35, M
Oh man the worst for me took me 3-4 years to really get over. 2 of which I was in a terrible state. I had to block them on everything and remove them from my life entirely. I see things more clearly now 5-6 years down the line, but yeah it's no joke man. You'll get through it, just takes time and keep yourself busy.
@Ryannnnnn You were very smart to remove them from your life entirely. CONGRATULATIONS!
Beatbox34 · 31-35, M
@Ryannnnnn Thank you for that. Its like clockwork. She's round the corner when I'm just starting to make progress and disappears when I'm down.

I finally blocked all her shit. I had deleted all my socials after the breakup. The only social media I'm on is this and reddit. She has no idea I'm on those as it's not possible to find me. But I just need to get it out. Her actions spoke volumes now.
@Beatbox34 And....as a narcissist, she won't let you go easily, though she drove you off. They feed off your emotions and reactions. You are her "fix". Never feed into her, no matter what. Absolutely no communication or reaction at all. That is crucial. She'll try over and over. Never give in. Or you'll never get rid of her. Never believe emergency situations when it comes from her. They are emotional blackmailers. Never give in. They never change. NEVER give into the threat they'll KILL THEMSELVES. They love themselves way too much to do that. Their alter ego would never allow it. But should they decide to, that would never be your fault. They were nuts to begin with, with problems a mile long, from years back. WAY before you.
Miram · 31-35, F
did you two argue a lot and it ended with breakups?

A close friend seem to be in similar situations, abusive arguments that make no sense, then break ups and then back up again.

The fact that yours had someone in her life makes little bit sense. Usually people are that inconsistent pushing and pulling when there is more going on than you realize. Constantly hiding that kind of shit must take a toll on her to the point that she'd need to create problems with you to feel justified in cheating and treating you bad
Beatbox34 · 31-35, M
@Miram I'll come clean by stating that I'm not perfect. Yes we fought but I was always the one was wrong and anything I did or said would be held against me.

I tried multiple times to work it out. Agreed no relationship is always filled with rainbows. There's a thunderstorm occasionally but every time a fight occurred, I'd try to call her and reason it out as adults. She'd either ignore my calls, block me and breakup altogether. She'd call back when she felt she was all fine. This too depended on her mood which took a toll on me. This happened way too often and after a point I kinda got depressed because of this because I always felt she'd leave.

What I don't understand is why would she leave me and pick up when she pleased? I can't get over the fact that she told me I love you despite dating that guy and marrying him.
Casheyane · 26-30, F
Beatbox34 · 31-35, M
@Casheyane I ended up doing that. I couldn't take anymore of it.

It had to stop and I got rid of every trace of her. I'm at a point where I don't want to be related to her in any way at all.

She absolutely disgusts me.

 
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