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I Was In A Toxic Relationship

As a kid, I always imagined that a broken heart was a joke and that people were exaggerating. I now realize that it hurts bad. It hurts like a *****.

This post is a rant.

I've reached a point where I'm done with relationships and trusting people altogether.

I don't get one thing though. Why hurt and play with a person who did nothing to you? My ex burned 4 years of my life. I thought she was the one and got in a long distance relationship with her to realize that I was never loved at all at the end of 4 years. I was dumped a million times in 4 years but I never left her side. I never wanted to see her hurt and despite everything I fought to be with her but at the end of 4 years this is what I was told "Our Interests are different. I tried working out with you but I guess I can't do it anymore." Wow that after 4 f****** years. The irony is she only stayed with me because her ex and I shared the same race but I was just the unsuitable replacement.

Well I still tried to be with her and she left me as she didn't want me anymore. I tried working it out despite her ghosting me. But I had to drop it when I realized she didn't want me anymore.

Since she didn't want me anymore. I stayed out. You think she'd let me be happy? Nope. She wished me on my birthday for no reason. Again I ignored her to keep my sanity. She still wouldn't stop. She apologized for the "way she left me" because she was "hurt". I ignored her again to just get a call from her. She goes back to being lovey dovey and tells me she loves me to just dump me again the next f****** day. That was the best start of 2020 tbh. Just when I was getting better, I got presented with that.

Now 6 months after that, I got a bit better. Despite having panic attacks and anxiety attacks, I was getting a bit better. Not a lot but some progress from the last one. She contacts me again to "talk". She tells me that she married a few months after leaving me and texted me when "I love you" in January after her abusive husband was beating her. Ironically she texted me in a lovey dovey manner at that time and even during her birthday when she was with him. Yet I am the idiot who wished her.

Seriously F*** me. I'm done with all of this shit altogether. Thanks for f****** me all over again. I hope you stay happy for the way you love breaking me. F*** you.

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LadyGrace ·

What bothers victims of narcissists the most, is that narcissists NEVER give you closure. First, you are "groomed" or "conditioned" unbeknownst to the victim. So it truly never is, your fault. It's like a black widow spider. Luring her lover in, with intentions of using him, and killing him. In our case, the aim is to take complete control over the emotions and mind, and they are great liars. They know exactly what they're doing. Then they play with your emotions until you think you're mad. SOME never escape the web, too damaged to comprehend what happened to them, and sadly are never emotionally strong enough to leave, and become permanently co-dependant. They drain you dry. Emotionally and financially, at times. You lose yourself completely. Everything is your fault, according to them. You can do no right. All part of the programming. I've seen it happen. Oblivious to the deep programming. So forget closure or answers of WHY they did it or what you did wrong. They cannot tell you what you did "wrong" because you DID NO WRONG. They do this same thing with every victim. Their "charm" unmatched. So no closure from them, but you don't NEED closure with or from them. Closure is not something you GET in this case. It is something you MAKE!! YOU make closure by ending it all, taking back your power, AND never having anything to do with them, in ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. THAT hurts them the most. Because the moment their head lifts from their pillow in the morning, trust me, they are looking for their FIX, and if it isn't you, they'll be sure and find another, YET try their best to keep you on their line, too. They live for their fix! And they NEVER, NEVER, CHANGE, so don't even entertain that idea. They may weep, and say they're sorry, but they're ONLY SORRY THEY'VE LOST CONTROL OF YOU. THEY ARE [b]INCAPABLE[/b] OF LOVE. Their definition of love, is CONTROL. NEVER FORGET THAT!! They are forever emotionally unavailable. They don't WANT to change. Their alter-ego has overtaken them and it will not ALLOW them to give in and love. They love themselves and that's it. They are sociopaths. Incapable of loving, and have NO FEELINGS. That's why many become stalkers and serial killers. They think nothing of killing someone. Their "high" is from the control...never love.

Beatbox34 · 31-35, M

@LadyGrace You just spoke about what she did. I kept telling her that I was leaving and yet she listened to all the insults I hurled at her. She then went ahead to defend her deadbeat husband to tell me she wants him. On questioning her as to why she contacted me then, her exact response was this "you're the ex boyfriend and a good friend of mine now."

That's so messed up. She kept on telling me how much she wants him knowing that it would hurt me constantly. I told her I'm going off and nope she didn't stop. This person is absolutely a narcissist and has some serious issues. She goes on to tell me that if she can't have him then she's gonna hookup with people of his race. That was absolutely disgusting to hear. I immediately left off and deleted my social media. I can't handle anymore of this filth.