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I Was In A Toxic Relationship

As a kid, I always imagined that a broken heart was a joke and that people were exaggerating. I now realize that it hurts bad. It hurts like a *****.

This post is a rant.

I've reached a point where I'm done with relationships and trusting people altogether.

I don't get one thing though. Why hurt and play with a person who did nothing to you? My ex burned 4 years of my life. I thought she was the one and got in a long distance relationship with her to realize that I was never loved at all at the end of 4 years. I was dumped a million times in 4 years but I never left her side. I never wanted to see her hurt and despite everything I fought to be with her but at the end of 4 years this is what I was told "Our Interests are different. I tried working out with you but I guess I can't do it anymore." Wow that after 4 f****** years. The irony is she only stayed with me because her ex and I shared the same race but I was just the unsuitable replacement.

Well I still tried to be with her and she left me as she didn't want me anymore. I tried working it out despite her ghosting me. But I had to drop it when I realized she didn't want me anymore.

Since she didn't want me anymore. I stayed out. You think she'd let me be happy? Nope. She wished me on my birthday for no reason. Again I ignored her to keep my sanity. She still wouldn't stop. She apologized for the "way she left me" because she was "hurt". I ignored her again to just get a call from her. She goes back to being lovey dovey and tells me she loves me to just dump me again the next f****** day. That was the best start of 2020 tbh. Just when I was getting better, I got presented with that.

Now 6 months after that, I got a bit better. Despite having panic attacks and anxiety attacks, I was getting a bit better. Not a lot but some progress from the last one. She contacts me again to "talk". She tells me that she married a few months after leaving me and texted me when "I love you" in January after her abusive husband was beating her. Ironically she texted me in a lovey dovey manner at that time and even during her birthday when she was with him. Yet I am the idiot who wished her.

Seriously F*** me. I'm done with all of this shit altogether. Thanks for f****** me all over again. I hope you stay happy for the way you love breaking me. F*** you.

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LadyGrace ·

I don't blame you for being angry. Who wouldn't?!! I had the same happen. I grieved a long time, and I mean hard. And for what? That idiot? Not worth the breath to say "Good riddance!" "Why did we wait so [i]long[/i]?" should be the question. Because we refused to tell ourselves [u]the truth[/u]! It wasn't about me in the first place. It wasn't about you! These people had problems BEFORE meeting us. We refused to recognize that this [i]thing[/i] never WAS emotionally available! They would have done this to anyone! That's why it wasn't about us. That's just what they DO. They have [b]no[/b] conscience and they could care less who they hurt. They are Narcissists! They do not think like you do. They are only out to use people, but they can only do that, if let them. Yet....we weren't aware. We were HOPING someone would be DECENT enough, to tell us the truth. We refused to give up the idea that things will get better and work out; that they "really [b]do[/b] love us". Nonsense. Tell yourself the truth. These morons can't hurt us unless we allow it. Four years wasted on that "thing". We just refused to accept the red flags and signals, and take off our rose-colored glasses. They are incapable of knowing or understanding the meaning of love. They are nothing but users.

Let me tell you why you're heartbroken. These idiots are not worth pining over or grieving over, even one minute, given they played us along. I regret crying over that person for even a half-second. Not worth your time, trust me. After grieving very hard for a year and 2 months, years ago, I wasn't sure I would make it. My heart was totally broken, but then it dawned on me what I was grieving over. I wasn't grieving over that [b]person[/b]. Not at all. You must always tell yourself the truth. What was it [b]really[/b], because these type people truly are not worth one teardrop.

I was not grieving over losing that person. No!! I was grieving over all the bare-face lies and deceit! Time out of my life that was wasted on that idiot. I wasn't grieving over losing [b]him[/b]. I was grieving over what I [b]THOUGHT[/b] I had!! Only to find out he lied. It does have a way of messing with your mind, [i]if you let it.[/i] At first, it is a shock. You can't believe someone could be so deceitful and such a liar. Then you feel like a fool and that's hard to heal over, as well. But sooner or later, it starts to make sense. IF you're willing to look at and tell yourself the truth....not what you [b]want[/b] things to look like or be.

Remember...that woman can only take what you [b]allow[/b] her to take. Do yourself a huge favor. Brush yourself off, stand up straight, and never look back. Why should you continue to suffer over someone so thoughtless and unavailable? Don't allow her to steal one more second of your time or heart, because I can guarantee you....she sure isn't crying or worried one bit about if you're suffering or hurt right now. She's not suffering one bit over this, so why give her the power to influence another minute of your time and life? You're so much bigger than this. It happens. We learn. Don't you dare beat yourself up over this, either. She deceived and lied to you. Not the other way around. You were good enough to trust she wouldn't hurt you. She did. That's on her, not you. You only do better....when you [b]know better.[/b] It's when you give her the power to keep you miserable, that's unhealthy. Refuse to stay victimized by her. Get rid of all traces of her. If she's given space in your head, your heart, your life, you are still allowing her to victimize you. She's not suffering one bit. You are. You're the only one suffering, so take back your power, move on now, and live life. Don't make it bigger in your head, than it is. We made a mistake. We made a bad choice. Nothing more. Big deal. Not our fault. Now time to move on. Not live in the dead past. Now you know better. When you know better, you do better. It's not what we lose in life. It's what we do with what we have [b]left[/b], that counts, and you've got plenty of life left to make it count, big time. One rotten apple doesn't make the whole bunch bad. Just be careful which one you choose! The best thing you can do in life, is to live your life out happily, in spite of the bumps in the road. They can be your friend, if you're willing to learn from them. And if you should decide to love again, which you certainly should, never bring that baggage with you. Pitch it to the curb, where it belongs, and take care of anger issues before getting involved again. If you don't, you will be much too distrustful and controlling, to what may be a very sweet person, and ruin that relationship, making her miserable. Not everyone is out to get us! Don't stay defensive or bitter. Just make better choices in the future. You can let that experience make you bitter....or better. The choice is up to you, and affects your quality of life.

Beatbox34 · 31-35, M

@LadyGrace [b]THIS[/b] is what I needed to hear. Every word you wrote was to the point.

Yes, we(I at least was) were too blind to see the red flags because I trusted her blindly to end up watching all this. I put her on a pedestal despite the way she treated me.

I got rid of everything and I even paid all my dues to her. I spent the last year hating myself for the mistakes I did. I sacrificed my career, my sanity and my life to be with a person who had no integrity whatsoever.

Today may be painful to me as the truth unfolded. I was partially aware of what she did because she left breadcrumbs along the way. I'm done with all of this now. I just want this to pass and I'm working on it so that I make my career better.

I am happy for one thing though. Jesus did show me her true color even though I knew a bit about it but he showed it all to me. I just need to pack up and move on. I need to let go of the pain and the past. I know time is the best healer but I just want to get her off altogether and in due time I will.

She was never worth it at all.

Thank you for all of this.

LadyGrace ·

@Beatbox34 Don't feel bad at all. You'd be surprised at how many this happens to. Yes, I was this way, too. I was seeing some signs, but refused to believe they were there and didn't want them to be there, so I brushed them off, even blaming myself for perhaps being too demanding or maybe too sensitive, but the truth is the truth. We didn't lose a thing. You can't lose what you never had. Yeh, we knew. Our heart just didn't want to believe someone could be so insensitive and cruel. So indifferent and not mean what they said. No. They were never worth it to us nor worthy of all our love, the way they treated us.

And yes. You definitely will heal, but I'm happy to hear you're not rushing that. It takes time, but you definitely will heal. Then you'll look back, like me, and say, "Whut????? What was I [b]thinking????[/b] She's [b]nothing!![/b] And actually laugh. What did I SEE in her????" 😂😂😂😂

You deserve so much more and the Lord will bless you with someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. So? A good lesson we learned. It's only a tragedy when we DON'T learn, and we DON'T choose carefully. The Lord was sparing us from a miserable life with the wrong person. Even MORE heartaches. Instead....you can get excited about that special girl the Lord has for you, who is out there looking for you, just as you're looking for her. In God's timing. Get excited about what she looks like, how much fun you'll have, and how in love you will be. You've a lot to look forward to. God's richest blessings as you do, but as you are ready. You're right. There's no need to rush. Way to go!!! I'm proud of you!! 🙌 🙏🏼 🤗 Always keep Him first and you won't go wrong.

Beatbox34 · 31-35, M

@LadyGrace Jesus is my all. I did the blunder of trusting in world than him.

The thing is he's the one who'll protect me from all of this. I have to just keep faith in him in the darkest of days.

I will get out of it eventually and I'm cutting all ties with her this day. I don't think it's even right to go on with her at all anymore.

LadyGrace ·

@Beatbox34 I believe you. That's right, but you didn't cause this, so don't beat yourself up. You had no way of knowing this person was a deceiver. I thank God he showed you her true colors. We all wish to think the best of people. She just wasn't trustworthy. I commend you. I was only trying to help you sort it all out.