I Was In A Toxic Relationship

As a kid, I always imagined that a broken heart was a joke and that people were exaggerating. I now realize that it hurts bad. It hurts like a *****.

This post is a rant.

I've reached a point where I'm done with relationships and trusting people altogether.

I don't get one thing though. Why hurt and play with a person who did nothing to you? My ex burned 4 years of my life. I thought she was the one and got in a long distance relationship with her to realize that I was never loved at all at the end of 4 years. I was dumped a million times in 4 years but I never left her side. I never wanted to see her hurt and despite everything I fought to be with her but at the end of 4 years this is what I was told "Our Interests are different. I tried working out with you but I guess I can't do it anymore." Wow that after 4 f****** years. The irony is she only stayed with me because her ex and I shared the same race but I was just the unsuitable replacement.

Well I still tried to be with her and she left me as she didn't want me anymore. I tried working it out despite her ghosting me. But I had to drop it when I realized she didn't want me anymore.

Since she didn't want me anymore. I stayed out. You think she'd let me be happy? Nope. She wished me on my birthday for no reason. Again I ignored her to keep my sanity. She still wouldn't stop. She apologized for the "way she left me" because she was "hurt". I ignored her again to just get a call from her. She goes back to being lovey dovey and tells me she loves me to just dump me again the next f****** day. That was the best start of 2020 tbh. Just when I was getting better, I got presented with that.

Now 6 months after that, I got a bit better. Despite having panic attacks and anxiety attacks, I was getting a bit better. Not a lot but some progress from the last one. She contacts me again to "talk". She tells me that she married a few months after leaving me and texted me when "I love you" in January after her abusive husband was beating her. Ironically she texted me in a lovey dovey manner at that time and even during her birthday when she was with him. Yet I am the idiot who wished her.

Seriously F*** me. I'm done with all of this shit altogether. Thanks for f****** me all over again. I hope you stay happy for the way you love breaking me. F*** you.

Miram · 31-35, F

did you two argue a lot and it ended with breakups?

A close friend seem to be in similar situations, abusive arguments that make no sense, then break ups and then back up again.

The fact that yours had someone in her life makes little bit sense. Usually people are that inconsistent pushing and pulling when there is more going on than you realize. Constantly hiding that kind of shit must take a toll on her to the point that she'd need to create problems with you to feel justified in cheating and treating you bad

Beatbox34 · 31-35, M

@Miram I'll come clean by stating that I'm not perfect. Yes we fought but I was always the one was wrong and anything I did or said would be held against me.

I tried multiple times to work it out. Agreed no relationship is always filled with rainbows. There's a thunderstorm occasionally but every time a fight occurred, I'd try to call her and reason it out as adults. She'd either ignore my calls, block me and breakup altogether. She'd call back when she felt she was all fine. This too depended on her mood which took a toll on me. This happened way too often and after a point I kinda got depressed because of this because I always felt she'd leave.

What I don't understand is why would she leave me and pick up when she pleased? I can't get over the fact that she told me I love you despite dating that guy and marrying him.